"When you worked with those families, you saw the real evil in people. I'm assuming with Child Services involved that you worked with abusive parents. They committed horrible crimes against their flesh and blood. You stared into their eyes and saw the bullshit excuses. You witnessed evil in the form of seemingly normal people. I think you quit that job because you knew you couldn't help them. They were lost causes. Maybe in your work, you're not allowed to admit there are people who can never change."
Doctor Parker shows me nothing on her face, which tells me everything. She hates I know her bullshit. I feel the same way about her.
"The job you have now isn't about helping people either. With your upscale office and clientele, you deal with the problems of the affluent. They obsess over minor things because their lives are too easy to have major things to obsess over. You deal with their neurosis, and you give them self-help tips they probably ignore. They can't be helped, but they're not evil. You don't look at them and see the darkness in all of us. With me, you do see it, though. It's why I make you uncomfortable. When you quit that job, you left that reality behind and don't need the reminder."
Doctor Parker nods as if she's considering my words, continuing her bullshit.
"Want to know why I don't like you?" I ask, pressing the issue.
Nodding again, Doctor Parker waits, and I know she's very interested in why anyone would dislike her. She's rather perfect, of course.
"I was like you before Locke," I say, holding her gaze. "I lived a blessed life. Good looks, decent brains, no big hang-ups to divert me from enjoying life. My sister married a decent man with a big bank account. We ate the best foods, and I got to travel to fun places. My sister never forgot me. Even after Vern and the kids, she was still my best friend. I enjoyed her life. Evil was for other people in other places, and it couldn't touch me."
Leaning back in the chair, I force my body to unclench. "Now I've known evil up close and personal. I've seen the darkness we all hide inside ourselves. I've seen it flourish, and I felt it corrupt me. Back in this life, I'm forced to pretend like evil doesn't exist or can't win. With the suburban beauties that live in Shelley's life, I hide from their lies by covering myself and being off-putting enough for them to keep their distance. With you, though, I'm expected to stare into the eyes of a lie and trust in it. I resent pretending evil isn't real. I've seen it in Locke and his servants. I felt it in myself too. It's real, but with you, I have to pretend it can be overcome with enough therapy, pills, and happy thoughts."
Sighing, I clasp my hands and rest them on my stomach. "You can't help me, and I can't trust you. You've seen evil but haven't been corrupted by it. It polluted me, though. I always feel it on my skin. I tried scrubbing it away. I've also tried taking enough pills not to feel anything. Those are lies, and I'm trying to give up the lies. It's why I'm telling you this now but couldn't before."
I pause to smile at the memory of Troy and me on the floor yesterday.
"Troy is real, and I want real even if it comes with the bad stuff. Maybe you understand that or maybe you don't. It doesn't matter if you understand because you're not the one who has to keep swimming to stay afloat. You can leave this apartment and forget the evil lingering around me. I have no escape. Locke can die a million times, but his crimes are a part of me now and always will be."
Doctor Parker's silence goes on for an eternity. I stare at the couch where Troy took control of my body and reminded me how I could feel pleasure. He's my anchor to a better life. We were both broken in life, and we both healed wrong. I see the rage in his eyes that he believes is gone. I sense the coiled tension of a caged animal. Unable to find his place in this world, Troy resents anyone who has it easy like his brother.
"You've given me a lot to think about," Doctor Parker finally says.
My thoughts on Troy, I barely nod at her comment. She doesn't know where our visits go after my big speech. I don't really care where they go. I only see her to appease Shelley. Well, I want my Prozac too, but I'm sure I can get them from another doctor. Money buys access, but it can't buy true freedom. Maybe love can, though.
34
~~~
Troy
Magical in a World with No Magic
Doctor Parker's visit puts me into a state of complete asshole. Leaving Darla and the shrink alone to talk, I hide in the security room. No one prowls on the street outside. The cameras show me a quiet building. Locke hasn't given up, but too many failures in a row likely frustrate the fucker.
I have a camera set up in the living room, and the jerk in me wants to turn on the feed. Distrusting Doctor Parker to keep her nose out of Darla's love life, I nearly cross the line. They'd never know while I'd feel better knowing what they were discussing.
The hour-long visit seems to last twice as long. I can't sit still and keep reaching for the doorknob with the intention of interrupting. The sooner Doctor Parker leaves, the happier I'll be.
Doctor Parker might support Darla and me being together. I'm not a bad guy as far as she knows. I have a job, all my teeth, and a head full of hair. Of course, my credit is crap since I've been off the grid for a decade.