“Max! I’m home!” I call out entering the house. It’s been a hell of a day. I went back to work after I had Maddy. Max has never been happy about it. He says he has more than enough money to make sure we’re all okay. Plus, his tattoo parlor does really good, even with him not working there. I can’t bring myself to be idle though. Still, many more days like today and I’m going to scream. I’m working in the public defender’s office now and seeing the way that most of these attorneys don’t even care if the inmates get a fair trial is wearing on me fast. I went off one of the lawyers today. I figure I may get canned come Monday. I’m not sure I care at this point.
I walk through the living room and don’t see him or Maddy, which is strange. They’re usually playing together on the floor or sleeping on the couch this time of day. The kitchen and dining area are completely open to the living room, so I know he’s not there either. I go through the hallway and peek in Maddy’s room. Empty. Next is the room I stay in. I can’t say ours because Max hasn’t been in here with me. We’re slowly finding our footing, but other than a small kiss or two, there’s been nothing else between us. Max has been sleeping on the sofa, and I feel guilty about it. I even admit to myself I want him to sleep beside me, but I can’t bring myself to tell him that.
“Max?” I question as I open the door. He’s lying on the bed watching television. When he sees me the turns the TV off and tosses the remote on the nightstand. “Where’s Maddy?”
“Marcum and Cherry have her tonight.”
My back stiffens at his words. My baby has never stayed away from me. I’ve only just recently weaned her from the breast. “Max, she hasn’t stayed away from the house. You should have asked me before you agreed to this.”
“I would have; if you’d bother talking to me, Tess.”
“What are you talking about? We talk.”
“We talk about what we want to eat. We talk about the weather. We talk about the baby. We just can’t seem to talk about things that really matter.”
“Maddy…”
“Maddy is amazing, and she’s the world to me, but her mother is the reason I draw air into my fucking lungs.”
Heat fills my body, and those words make my legs quake. “Max…”
“I love you, Tess. I love you. Living with you, but not being free to touch you, to kiss you…Hell even to hold you at night is slowly killing me. I can’t go on like this.”
“Max…”
“You gave yourself to me over a year ago. You might have forgotten that, but I haven’t.”
“I haven’t forgotten! You pushed me away, Max!”
“I was trying to keep you from tying yourself to someone who might never be able to be there for you!”
“You were wrong!”
“Maybe so! But I sure as hell have been doing my best to make it up to you!”
“You destroyed me! I cried for months! It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest!”
“You don’t think I felt the same, Tess?”
“It was your choice, Max! That’s the difference! You decided what was best, and you did it!”
“To protect you, woman!”
“I didn’t ask for it! I asked to go away with you! You decided against that without listening to me! Then when things didn’t go according to your grand design, Mad Max struck again! You decided to freeze me out of your life. It didn’t matter what I wanted! You decided you knew what was best for me, yet again!”
“Tess!”
“What happens if I let you in again Max? What happens when you decide that things are too difficult again? What happens when you chicken out?”
“Is that really what you think of me, Tess? Do you think so little of me?”
His words do nothing but increase my anger. How can he say that to me? What gives him the right to say that to me?
“Wrong again, Max! It’s you who thinks so little of me! It’s you who thinks I am so weak that I can’t stand beside you no matter what!”
He looks at me, really looks at me, and I don’t know if my words have finally made it through, or if it’s something else. He walks over to me, and he does something he hasn’t done in so long I’ve almost forgotten how much I love it. He wraps his hand around the side of my neck, and he pulls me in close to him.
“It was never about you. It was what I didn’t want for you. What would have happened, Tess, if I never got out? If the time we had together before was all we were ever going to get. How would it have been fair to you to live like that?”
The pain and emotion in his voice cuts through my hurt and anger. I take a breath and try to make him see what he did.
“What if I get sick tomorrow, Max? Hell, what happens if I lay down tonight and don’t wake back up? If our past is all that we ever have, would the fact that I’m not here make it hurt less? Or would you rather at least have me to talk with, to know that I am still here in whatever form, and I still care?”
“You will not get sick. Do you hear me, Tess? You will not get sick. You won’t even think about that shit.” His fingers contract against my neck as he pulls me closer to him. His body shakes as he pulls my face against his chest. “You won’t get sick, Tess. You won’t leave me.”
My hand grasp his hips, and I close my eyes. He loves me. However warped his thoughts were, I can understand them. Listening to him talk, maybe I would have done the same. I can’t say. I only saw things from my point of view.
“I won’t leave you, Max. You love me.”
“Love’s not a strong enough word for how I feel about you, Tess.”
“Then show me,” I tell him, pressing my lips against his chest.