“Yeah, I’ve heard that before.”
I ignore him and take off after Tess. She’s my priority. I find her in our room lying on the bed, with her back to me, crying quietly. I kick off my shoes and get on the bed and spoon her. I can’t stop my hand from holding her stomach. Our child might be resting there. After the mess with Renee, that’s something I never wanted again. The pain of losing a child, even one I never got to hold, is something I can’t explain. It gutted me. Is it fucked-up that I may be having another child, this time with a woman I care about, and I most likely won’t have the option of being around for the mother or the child? Is that the definition of irony? It’s probably no less than I deserve. I get that. Still, the thought of it is ripping me apart inside. That’s my cross to bear.
“I’m a fucking asshole, Kitten. I’m sorry.”
“No, you have a right to be upset,” she whispers brokenly, her voice thick with tears.
“I’m not upset with you, Tess. It’s me. It’s just bad timing.”
“I know.
“If you’re pregnant, Tess. You can’t go with me. It wouldn’t be safe.”
“Max!”
I shush her quietly, my lips against her hair, and I breathe in the strawberry scent of her. Can I live without her? How do you leave someone behind when they’ve become your only reason for living? How do you say goodbye? I’m not sure I’m strong enough.
“Tess, you were shot…”
“It was a graze,” she argues, but her voice gives away her doubt.
“It just as easily could have not been. What if you are carrying our baby, and that happens? The risk is too great.”
“So we’re just supposed to never see each other again, Max? How is that a solution? How is that fair?”
“Tess, I killed…”
“A monster, you killed a monster.”
I smile, despite the heaviness inside of me. “Marcum says I’ve been living my life and going off half-cocked, for way too long, and he’s right. Actions have consequences; I didn’t think about them. Then again, how in the world could I have ever prepared myself for you, Tess? I’ve never known anyone like you.”
She turns on her back and looks at me, her hand goes over the top of mine on her stomach. “Why does it already sound like you’re saying goodbye to me, Max?”
“Let’s see what the test says. No sense in borrowing trouble until we know.”
“I’m scared, Max.”
“I know, Kitten. I am too.”
“I don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t want to be pregnant, but the thought of our baby, growing inside of me…I want your baby, Max.”
I want your baby, Max. The words lay like led against my heart.
“Close your eyes and rest. We can’t make any decisions until we know for certain,” I tell her, my voice gruff.
My head is a mess. Marcum laid out my choices during our last talk. I didn’t want to face them. Now, I may have no choice. None at all.
38
Tess
Pregnant.
How can one word fill you with despair, joy and fear all at once? I’m pregnant with Max’s baby. I’m on the run from the law and knocked up! Jesus. The room is silent. Max and I are both just staring at the damn, plus sign, on the stick.
“Fucking hell,” Max whispers and I kind of wish he had kept silent.
The staggering weight of what we just found out hits me and my stomach rolls. I try to hold it down, but the simple truth is, Max is right. There’s a child now. I have more than myself to consider. I’m going to lose him. The small voice in the back of my head repeats, and it’s just too much.
“I’m going to be sick,” I gasp, putting my hand over my mouth and running to the restroom. I barely make to the toilet in time. Max is right behind me. I feel him lift my hair out of the way, and as I’m finished retching, he hands me a towel. Perfect. Just how every woman wants to be remembered by the man they love—kneeling over the toilet, puking their guts out.
“You okay, kitten?” Max asks, his voice soft, and I lean back into him, letting his body warm me. I feel so cold.
“Give me a minute.” His fingers continue sifting through my hair, and I want to memorize this moment. Memorize it and never let it go, because I know my time with Max will be ending. “I’m going to rinse my mouth,” I tell him, standing and getting away from him. I’m upset, and I want to blame him. It’s not fair and if anything, more my fault, but there it is regardless.