Thank you to my husband, Garrett, for being by my side when everyone else left me. I thank God every day for answering my prayers and sending you my way. God blessed me with everything I asked for in a man: you’re good looking, smart, a good provider, and you have all your back teeth.
Thank you to my wonderful kids who gave me the will to survive: Ashley, thank you for never judging me and understanding that we were growing together. Thanks to my second-born child, Nikia: you have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’ve ever met. Also thank you for blessing me with three beautiful grandchildren. Thank you, Garrianna, for always making me laugh. And to my last-born, Garrett Jr., thank you for going undetected for six months so my only choice was to have you. You were ten pounds of joy! Kids are supposed to make parents proud. Thank you all for always telling me how proud you guys are of me.
Thank you to my cousin Boo. I’m sorry for the things I exposed you to at such a young age. I wanted to provide a better life for you and ended up keeping you from living a normal childhood. If I could give you back the childhood you deserved, I would. I hope one day you find the strength to forgive me and know I love you.
Thank you Ant, Tony, and Bo for being the best big brothers I could ever ask for (now that we’re grown!). And to my sister, Maypop, I know you won’t be able to read this because it’s in proper English. I’m just kidding! I’m sorry for what we had to go through as kids. You know I love you.
Thank you to Jasper Hood for keeping my kids safe and keeping your business open a little bit longer so they could stay warm. You were like a father figure to me when I needed one the most. Thank you Miss Chambers for laughing so damn hard when you were my welfare caseworker and for being the mother figure I never had. And thank you, Miss Troup: you showed me kindness at a time in my life when no one else cared. Rest in peace.
To my girlfriends Melodie and Lisa: for thirty years you’ve both been there when I needed you, giving me good advice even when I was too stubborn to take it and making me laugh when I thought all I could do was cry. Thank you, Tracy, for accepting me for who I am, even though I’m a girl from the hood and you have five degrees. And Ms. Jeanne, thank you for opening up your life and letting my crazy ass into it. Friendship is the most pure and honest form of love. Thank you all.
To my loving manager, John, who came into my life like a stepdaddy and turned my career around. Thank you for being so damn honest with me, and not leaving me when I didn’t pay you. Thank you for always respecting me, never judging me, keeping me calm, and teaching me to be patient.
Thank you to my podcast family for helping me get my stories out there: Eddie Ifft, Joey Diaz, Bert Kreischer, Ryan Sickler, Jay Larson, Joe Rogan, Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky, Moshe Kasher, and Neal Brennan. To Marc Maron, thank you for inviting me onto your podcast and allowing an E-list celebrity to tell her story. And to Ari Shaffir, you seemed like an asshole when I first met you, but as I got to know you I realized you were just a dick, and I like dick.
To all the comics who were there for me when I was first starting out: Katt Williams, Double D, Arnez J., and D Ray, you all gave me opportunities, taught me the business, and showed me respect. Thank to you to Kourtlyn Wiggins, for fifteen years of always keeping it real with me and spending all that time on the phone discussing jokes and life. And thank you to your wife for putting up with the late-night calls. Thank you to Avery from Morty’s Comedy Joint for encouraging me to put my stories onstage, and to the Bob and Tom radio show for all your support.
Thank you, Brandi Bowles from Foundry Literary + Media, for keeping the wheels of this double-decker bus rolling and always steering us in the right direction. And to Julia Cheiffetz at HarperCollins, thank you for believing in my story and helping to make this the best book it could be. And thank you for the book money, it really helped me pay off my layaways.
Last but not least, thank you, Jeannine, for writing this book. I told you things I’ve never told anybody before. It wasn’t easy, but talking to you helped me heal. So thank you for crying with me and laughing with me and never judging me. Thank you for listening to me even when I was mean. I know I drove you crazy, but I appreciate all the super intelligent arguments we had (that I always let you win). Thank you for being my friend.
From Jeannine
First and foremost, thank you, Pat, for trusting me with your story and sharing not only the details in these pages, but also the funny tangents and painful moments you shared only with me. I’d also like to say a special thanks for that time you yelled at me when I asked you describe in more detail exactly how to break down a quarter ounce of crack. “Jeannine!” you shouted. “Why do you keep asking me this shit? All you do is chop it up!” Your exasperation at my failing to possess this highly specialized information, which apparently you think everyone just knows, is my personal comedy highlight of this entire project. Pat, you and I spent hours talking, laughing, crying, and occasionally driving each other crazy. I’ve gained a lifelong friend.
To my agent Brandi Bowles at Foundry Literary + Media, thank you a million times over for your guidance, encouragement, and sound advice. This book couldn’t have happened without you. To my editor Julia Cheiffetz, at HarperCollins, thank you for believing in this project and pushing me to find moments of levity to balance out the heartbreak. This was a long journey, and Pat and I appreciate your being with us every step of the way.
To Marc Maron, your amazing interview with Pat (WTF, episode 540) caught Julia’s attention just as the book proposal hit her desk. What a gift! Thank you, Marc, for changing lives one podcast at a time. Thank you also to Ari Shaffir for introducing me to Pat with your hilarious interview (Skeptic Tank, episode 169).
To my brilliant friends Kisha, Rosie, and Randi, thank you for all your support, feedback, and insight. You didn’t just help me get through the arduous process of writing a book; you also helped me get through (the more arduous and less lucrative) process of life. To Eva (and your mom), thank you for the southern-isms. How else would I know about Cooter Brown? Thanks to Sharon, who insisted Pat and I made a good match. And to Stan, for your kind generosity.
Most of all, thank you to my family. Sometimes I can’t tell if a chapter is working unless I read it out loud. Mom and Dad, thank you for never saying no when I asked you to listen. You are unwavering in your support, limitless with your love, and the best parents a writer could have. To my sibs, Gillian and David, thanks for everything. And to my young niece and nephews, Jacqueline, Harrison, and Ethan, please don’t tell your parents that when I said we were all “going to play Monopoly” that I was really reading you kids a chapter detailing the complexities of crack distribution in the hood. Your enthusiastic response was a little unsettling, but thanks for listening. Last, to my daughter Niko, thank you for understanding. I love you most of all.