On Ashley’s first day of kindergarten, I was so nervous I asked my friend Melodie, who lived near the school to do a drive-by and check on how Ashley looked. I leaned my head against the cinder block wall of the jail’s dayroom and dialed Melodie’s number. “Girl,” I said, when I heard her voice. “You gotta tell me the truth.”
I could hear Melodie take a breath and slowly exhale. She’d seen Ashley in the schoolyard, she said. But instead of the good-looking outfit I’d picked out, Slim and his wife had let my baby leave the house in high-water jeans, scuffed tennis shoes, and uncombed hair. “Real talk,” said Melodie. “Your little girl looked raggedy as hell.”
That night I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t get the pitiful image of Ashley looking like nobody gave a damn out of my head. Knowing that my baby was out in the world without me felt like a knife through my heart. I felt so guilty I could hardly breathe. I pulled my blanket over my head and cried my eyeballs out.
The next morning wasn’t any better. I ate my breakfast, shuffled past the girls watching The Price Is Right in the dayroom, then went back to my cell and crawled into my bunk. Ever since I started hustling, I was able to fix all my problems with dope money or stolen electronics. But this was different; I felt helpless. It was the lowest I’d ever been. After days of me barely talking, Eva and Brenda decided I needed an intervention.
“Girlfriend, you gotta pull yourself together,” said Eva, standing in front of me with her hands on her hips.
“She’s right,” added Brenda, who was sitting on the edge of my bunk. “You can’t let this incarceration drag you down. You’ve got to rise above. What I find helpful is creative visualization. It’s a very powerful tool. Are you familiar with Shakti Gawain? Life changing.”
Eva and I shot each other a look. Brenda was cool, but sometimes we didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. Shakti Gawain? That shit didn’t even sound like English.
“Yeah, I don’t know about all that,” said Eva. “But I do know what you need is a little Whitney in your life!” She closed her eyes, threw her head back, snapped her fingers to keep time, and started to blow, “I believe the children are our future . . .”
“That’s right!” exclaimed Brenda, jumping up and pulling me off my bunk. She threw her arm across my shoulder. “Teach them well and let them lead the way!”
I thought nothing could lift my mood. But when I closed my eyes and let the music wash over me, for a moment, I forgot how shitty I felt. Eva, Brenda, and the power of Whitney Houston reminded me that I needed to stay positive because children are the future and learning to love myself is . . . the greatest love of alllllllll.
The three of us belted out Whitney at the top of our lungs until a guard came by and told us all to shut the fuck up.
Chapter 20
Hood Wisdom
Getting locked up is good for two things, having same-sex relations in the shower room and making Life Goals. Only one of those things interested me.
At Fulton County Jail, Brenda, Eva, and I spent a lot of time sitting in my cell planning for the better lives we were gonna have once we got out. Eva was going to make amends with her family and try to get back some of the stuff she stole from them when she was getting high. Brenda was going to marry her rich white boyfriend, who was old as hell and probably gonna die soon, leaving Brenda all his money. Those girls had ambition. Hanging out with them, I started to dream big, too.
The plan was for me to get my GED. Brenda put the idea in my head. She said, “If you want a real job, you need an education.” I wanted to ask her how come with her two college degrees she didn’t have a real job, but I didn’t want to interrupt the pep talk she was giving me.
“You’re a smart cookie, Rabbit,” said Brenda. “And you obviously have a head for business. All you need is focus and determination. After you get your GED you can apply to technical college, or maybe even business school.”
“Nah,” I said, laughing at the thought. “That’s not for me.”
“Why not? Most of the guys I date went to business school. Trust me. Those places are filled with nothing but fools!” She looked at me. “Nothing personal, sis. I’m just saying, don’t sell yourself short.”
I’d never thought of getting a GED before. But Brenda said I should set an example for my kids: “If you want them to graduate, show them you can do it, too.”
“She’s right,” added Eva. “The apple don’t fall far from the tree. You never heard that saying before? You the tree; your kids is the apples. You don’t want them rolling away, willy-nilly, ending up in some gutter somewhere, do you? Nah, you want them to look up to you and say, ‘One day I’ma be a tree like my mama.’”
“You stupid,” I said, laughing.
“Be a tree, girl! Reach for the sky!”
“You could manage a store,” suggested Brenda. “Do bookkeeping, become an executive assistant . . .” She ticked off job possibilities on her fingers like a grocery list. “Work in a doctor’s office . . .”
“Be salesperson,” added Eva.
“Definitely pharmaceuticals,” said Brenda.
The more we talked, the more my vision came into focus, until I could actually picture myself, clear as day, dressed for work in a neatly pressed blouse with a little metal name tag pinned to the front. I was gonna get my shit right.
Other than planning my Life Goals in jail, I only had two other activities to fill my days, worrying about my kids, and lying in my bunk thinking about Derrick. Except for Nikia and Ashley, he was the only person I really missed. In my heart, I knew it didn’t make sense. The days of Derrick making me feel good had long gone. Mostly, all he did was take my money, beat my ass, cheat on me, and tell me I was ugly. One time he stomped me in front of Ashley so bad she ran to the phone and called 911 screaming, “Daddy killing Mama!” But as bad as he treated me, Derrick had a hold on me. It was like he had me brainwashed. When he told me nobody else would ever love me, I believed him.
In jail I only I remembered the good times. Like before I got pregnant, when he took me roller-skating and held my hand; or the time we took the kids to the drive-in to see Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers; or the day we all went to Six Flags and Nikia rode the kiddie roller coaster and threw up cotton candy while Derrick and I laughed our asses off. I played the scenes over and over in my head until all I could recall of life with Derrick was nonstop laughs.