I knew it was only a matter of time before he got me alone, but I wasn’t scared, I reached a point where I wasn’t letting him walk all over me anymore. I was done with that bullshit. Being so vulnerable with Big Phil toughened me up.
When Bronagh and Keela went through their ordeal, they both suffered from night terrors and didn’t want to be left on their own for ages. Luckily, that didn’t happen to me; so far I was as well as could be expected. When I slept, I didn’t dream, and when I was awake, it didn’t scare me when I thought about what happened. I knew the person who harmed me was dead, and he couldn’t hurt me any longer.
It was a living person who I was more concerned about causing me more pain.
My primary focus was on the being that brought me so much emotional agony. I was cold as ice when someone brought Ryder up, but I knew it was a defence mechanism to shield my crumbled heart. It was a front because when I thought about him in the comfort of my own mind, I became devastated and constantly fought back tears.
I was heart-broken that he cheated on me, I was destroyed that we were broken up, and I was completely torn apart that I couldn’t call him mine anymore. Even when things were at there worst with us, he was still mine, but not anymore.
“I’ll come with you,” Bronagh said, cutting through my thoughts.
I firmly shook my head. “There is black ice on the roads and I don’t want you out there walkin’ on it. You could fall.”
“So could you,” Bronagh countered.
I loved her for loving me so much.
I grinned. “You’re pregnant though, I’m not.”
My sister opened her mouth to argue, but I lifted my hand and silenced her.
“I’m fine. Me leg is practically healed, and walkin’ isn’t painful anymore. I won’t go far, I just need some time to meself to think,” I explained. “I’m feelin’ all kinds of fucked up, Bee. Being trapped in here isn’t helpin’.”
“Okay,” she relented after a couple of seconds. “But please be careful, and don’t stay out long. I’ll worry otherwise.”
We had somehow switched roles over the last few weeks. She was parenting me now.
“I won’t,” I assured her. “I’ll be no more than ten minutes. I’m just goin’ for a quick walk then I’ll be back. I promise.”
I kept my promise, I took a very short walk once around the block, and then I returned home, much to the relief of my sister. I didn’t mind taking a quick walk; I just wanted some fresh air, and some space. When I assured Bronagh, again, that I was okay, I went up to the bedroom that was still my bedroom. I stripped naked, wrapped myself in a towel then went into the bathroom and took a shower. When I finished, I headed back into my room but froze when I walked through the door.
“Branna?”
My heart jumped in fear of the man who had broken it.
“I told your brothers that you weren’t to come here.” I said, gripping the towel around my body tightly.
“They told me what you said,” he said, softly, “but I decided not to listen anymore.”
I started to humourlessly laugh.
“Because everythin’ has to be on your fuckin’ terms, right?” I asked through my cold laughter.
“No,” Ryder frowned, “because I had to see you.”
I shook my head and turned from him and walked over to my wardrobe. I grabbed some knickers, a bra, a pair of black leggings and a baggy T-shirt. I looked over my shoulder and narrowed my eyes at Ryder who turned and put his back to me, giving me some privacy.
He had never turned away when I dressed, or undressed, before, but things were different because I was his then, and now I wasn’t.
Don’t think about it.
I quickly dried my body, mindful of the scabs on the stitches of closed wounds on my shoulder and thigh. The rest of me was still tender, but all of my bruises were a light mustard yellow colour now, and it wouldn’t be long until they healed and faded completely.
“I’m decent,” I said when I was dressed.
Ryder turned back to face me, and instead of giving me a once over like I expected him to, he kept his grey eyes locked on mine. I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t hold his gaze. I looked away then busied myself as I brushed my hair out then tied it up into a bun.
“You’re beautiful.”
The unexpected words slammed into my layered heart like a train.
I keep my gaze averted when I said, “Don’t, Ryder. Don’t try and butter me up. I look like shit—I know it and everyone else knows it, too. I’m still recoverin’ so me appearance isn’t on me list of priorities.”
I felt him step towards me, so I took a quick step back.
“Don’t.”
He stayed still.
“You’re beautiful no matter what you look like, darling.”
I lifted my eyes to his as I snorted. “I’m darlin’ now, am I? I’m not just Branna anymore?”
He looked hurt.
“You’ve always been my darling, and you always will be.”
My stomach roiled as sadness seeped into my bones.
“Stop it,” I pleaded, feeling my tough demeanour crack. “Stop talkin’ to me like the real you used to, just stop.”
“I’m still me, Bran.”