“Did I win?” She snorted. “Please.”
I couldn’t imagine ever sounding as confident as Alex did. And I couldn’t imagine her getting into this kind of mess. She could handle anything—she had lots of secret lives, but I got the sense that she kept her secrets to make herself feel powerful. My secrets did the opposite.
“So how did it go? Did the Novalert help?”
“It went great,” I said, relaxing even as I said the words. The test was what was important, after all. I decided not to think about the pictures right now, though in my mind they were all I could see. “It was like the polar opposite of last time. I was focused and calm and everything made sense. And I didn’t pass out.”
“That’s a win,” she said. “Want to let loose tonight? There’s another one of those crazy parties. The boys are going. And Raj asked specifically if I’d bring you. I think he’s actually into you, which is just so great. You guys would be perfect for each other.”
“I told you, he’s not my type.” Except he totally was. He was smart and funny and sweet and so, so cute. Except for the whole drug thing, which I had to keep reminding myself was a very good reason to stay away. Still, I’d found myself thinking about him a lot, no matter how much I tried not to. And now I had another reason to think about him—he was in those pictures with me, after all. I wondered whether I should tell him or whether that would just make him as panicked as I was.
Or maybe he already knew.
He couldn’t have taken them, obviously, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t set me up. I felt my brain spinning again, but the Novalert in my system kept shutting down my body’s desire to react.
“I think you’re being ridiculous,” Alex said, oblivious to my internal freakout. “You guys totally get along, and I know you think he’s hot. You could have a little fling and see how it goes, just for fun.”
“I can’t get past the drug thing,” I said.
“You got past it with me,” she said.
I stared at her.
“I’m the one who told you about it in the first place. And I gave you some, and I think we both know I didn’t get it from the doctor. But we’re still friends. Why hold the fact that Raj hooked you up against him? Besides, maybe he’s got good reasons for doing it, just like you had a good reason for taking it.”
She didn’t have to say that I was just as guilty as Raj; her tone and the photos I’d just received did the job. “I see what you’re saying. But I just can’t right now.”
“Someone else, then,” she said. “There are going to be a ton of cute guys at this party.”
“Not tonight. Tonight I’m staying in.”
“All right, I’ll stop pushing. I don’t know what you’re waiting for, though.”
“College,” I said.
“You’re waiting for college to date?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean, why?”
I couldn’t help it—my brain went right to that last night out with Becca and Isabel, the house they’d dragged me to, and how awful it was. Sometimes I felt like I spent more energy trying to block it out than it would take to just think about it for even a minute. But I still didn’t want to. “In college the guys will be more like me. Everyone will. I can start over. I’ve screwed up so many things here, and spent so much time thinking about what other people want from me. In college I’ll figure out what I want for myself.”
“What did you screw up? And what exactly do you think is going to be different?”
It was hard to explain. “I won’t have to deal with my parents, or this school and all the crazy pressure. I’ll be able to relax.”
“That’s about way more than just the guys,” she said. “That pretty much covers everything. Are you really waiting for college for everything?”
“Maybe.” I hadn’t really thought about it that way before.
“Kind of sounds like it. Look, I don’t know what you think is going to magically happen when you get to Harvard or wherever you end up, but I can tell you this much: those schools are full of kids just like us. And when you get there, you’re still going to be you. Why not just live now?”
It was a fair question. But living now hadn’t exactly made things better for me. I’d thought I was having fun at that party she’d taken me to, and look how that was turning out. “I’ll think about it, I promise,” I said. “But tonight I’m staying in because I’m wiped out from the SAT, not because I don’t want to have fun. I’ll go to the next thing, I promise.”
“I’m going to hold you to that. I’ve got energy to burn, though, so I’m still going. Help me pick out an outfit?”
That much I could do.