Just before eleven, Vi stops by. She’s here to help me prepare. She took the afternoon off for a business meeting, part of which consists of picking up Sunny from the airport. I’m not sure it’s legit.
“What’s up, brother from another mother?” She’s holding a huge box. “And father,” she tacks on, then wrinkles her nose. “That wasn’t even funny, was it?”
“Uh, no.”
She drops the box on the counter. “I think my sense of humor is being affected by this engagement-party-planning shit. I wonder if it’s possible to have an allergy to being engaged.”
“I have my doubts.”
She points a candle at me. “You’re not helpful. I need to put a stop to my mother’s insanity. I can’t deal with this craziness. She’s trying to force her way into my girl’s afternoon with Sunny. I said no way. Neither one of us wants blue-eye-shadow makeovers.” Vi stops her tirade to look around my condo. “Have you done anything to get ready for Sunny?”
“I changed my sheets, and I cleaned off the dining room table.” I relocated all the papers to the coffee table so we have somewhere to eat.
“You’re such a bachelor.”
I unpack the box of stuff while Vi rummages through my cupboards. “This must be yours.” I toss her a box with a woman’s leg on it. It looks like a shaving product.
She puts her hands up, shielding her face. It hits her in the chest and drops to the floor at her feet. “Ow! Don’t throw things at me!”
“I didn’t throw it. I tossed it. Underhand. It helps if you don’t cower and actually try to catch it.”
She picks it up off the floor and hurls it. I snatch it out of the air before it beans me on the head. Her aim is getting better—either that or it was a lucky shot. “That’s for you.”
“What is this? Shaving cream?” I turn the box over and scan the back, waiting for her to explain. She can tell me in thirty seconds what it’ll take me five minutes to labor through on my own.
“It’ll take down your forest of body hair.”
I run a hand up my arm. “I don’t need this. You can take it home and use it on your mustache.” I slide the box across the counter toward her.
Violet puts her hand up to her mouth, then drops it. “I do not have a mustache. You, however, should consider grooming your yeti ass. You’re having Sunny over to your place for the first time ever. You’re probably going to engage in excessive boning.”
“I’m already groomed. I took care of business yesterday. I even shaved my balls.”
She makes a gagging noise. “More than I wanted to know. Suit yourself, but it’s supposed to be hot tonight. You could manage your arm fur so she doesn’t get lost in there.” Her phone beeps. “I gotta go. I’m picking Sunny up and then we’re going to the spa. She and I have a date with my waxer.”
“Your waxer?”
“You can thank me later.”
“Make sure they leave a landing strip.”
“Why? You have a hard time navigating the land of beave without it?”
“No, I like it. And I’m not talking about this with you. Just don’t torture my girlfriend.”
“Aw, you’re so cute with this girlfriend stuff. I’m not surprised you lured her back with your yeti magic.” She grabs a Vitamin Water from my fridge. Suddenly, loud moaning comes from the wall adjoining my condo. We both freeze. “What the hell is that?”
“My neighbor? Or a cat in heat?” I’ve only heard her dog before, and never through the walls.
We both cringe as the pitch and volume increase. It sounds as if my neighbor—or the cat—are on the verge of a stellar orgasm. Sunny’s a quiet comer. It’s nice. Very un-porn starish.
Vi stares at the wall. “Does that happen often?”
“This is a first. She moved in before I left for the camp. Maybe she’s getting some morning penance in.” Right before my neighbor hits what sounds like the magical O, the sound cuts off. We look at each other, perplexed.
“Huh. That seems unsatisfying.” Vi shakes her head. “Maybe your neighbor likes to watch loud porn.”
“Or she has a thing against coming.”