And Elise promptly started crying.
Tears streamed down her cheeks as she dropped her forehead to his chest, burrowing into the strong, solid warmth of he offered. She felt confused and overwhelmed, cherished and terribly in love, frightened for the future, but comforted by the kisses he pressed to her head, by his soft murmurs of love.
“Are you okay?” he asked, stroking her hair away from her forehead.
No, I’m not. I’m a mess. I love you so much, but I’m afraid we made a mistake today.
“Preston…everything happened so fast,” she blurted out.
His hand on her back paused. “What do you mean?”
I mean I should have stayed your girlfriend for a little longer. I’m not ready to be your wife. I got swept up in romance and fantasy, and now I’m scared that it all moved too fast.
But how could she say any of this to him? How could she make him understand her fears without pushing him away? She didn’t want to lose him, she just wished they could go back to yesterday. She took a ragged breath, closing her eyes against the maelstrom of her thoughts.
He pulled her tighter against him, stroking her back with long, soothing strokes and it gave her the courage to say, “It feels like we just met.”
“It feels like that to me sometimes too,” he said. “But we love each other. I can’t imagine my life without you, Elise.”
The truth? She couldn’t imagine her life without him either. But wanting him and making room for him were two different things, and one felt organic while the other felt frightening.
“I don’t know how to be a wife,” she said, her tears returning as her memories flashed to her mother doing the house chores as her father tended to the farm.
Her example of married life was based on manual labor, traditional gender roles, a shared religion and very little obvious friendship or passion. That’s not what she wanted. Not at all. As she pictured her parents, sitting across from one another in silence at the dinner table, the lump in the pit of her stomach swelled tenfold, and she clenched her eyes shut, holding on tighter to Preston.
“I don’t know how to be a husband,” he said. “How about we figure it out together?”
“I’m going to disappoint you,” she said, sniffling.
“I don’t think so,” he said, pressing his lips to the crown of her head. “Today was the happiest day of my life, sweetheart.”
The happiest day of his life, and one of the more troubling for her.
And yet, in that moment, she made a decision to keep her true feelings to herself today. If she was honest with him and told him how she really felt, she’d ruin today for him. She’d tarnish it. And Preston didn’t deserve that from her. And besides, the deed was already done. For better or for worse, they were married.
She took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of his skin, comforted by the warm, solid strength of his arms. Maybe if she gave herself a little bit of time to adjust to marriage, her uncertainties would dissipate and she’d feel more confident and secure in the role of wife. She knew that Preston would be patient with her. Their marriage didn’t have to be like her parents’ marriage. It could be whatever they wanted it to be. Today, the judge had said, It will take faith, to go forward together without knowing exactly what the future brings.
Tomorrow Elise would start working on her faith in them as a married couple, and—gulp—she’d start that journey by being honest with him about her doubts and worries. She knew him well enough to know that he would listen attentively and they could start figuring out how they wanted their marriage to look. They were goal-oriented people who would set objectives and work together to achieve them in their marriage as in their careers. She had faith that they loved each other enough to figure this it out together. Tomorrow. Tomorrow they could start putting the work into the journey they’d started today.
Feeling marginally better, she pressed her lips to his chest and wiped her tears away.
Because it was so much easier, she concentrated on the feeling of his body next to hers instead of the worrisome feelings she wouldn’t be able to sort out today. It felt like heaven to be clasped against him, flesh to flesh, though she felt empty, too. She wanted him. She wanted him to fill her. She wanted him to fill her so deeply that there wasn’t room left for the thoughts in her head or the doubts in her heart.
She took a deep breath, pressing her lips to his chest. “Pres?”
“Hmmm?”
“Make love to me,” she said.
His hand on her back froze.
“Are you sure you’re ready?”
“Mm-hm,” she murmured, leaning back so she could look at his face. “I want you. I need you. It’s time.”
***