I could never fuck Sarah. I was too scared of losing her. In fact, if I didn’t need her in my life so damn much I might’ve just gotten in my truck right then and driven home or gone to Forbidden and gotten drunk. But I did need her, and though I didn’t particularly want to talk to her at the moment, I wasn’t going to lose our friendship over something I’d refused her in order to keep our friendship in the first place.
God, I had a headache.
“Son of a bitch,” I growled, slapping the tire of my truck before I pushed to my feet. Bypassing the walkway to the front of the door, I dodged around to the side of her house. Her light was on and shades were open. The crazy girl never closed them. I saw movement inside, shadows shifting along the wall, so I tapped on her window and jammed my hands into my pockets.
When her face appeared, I just stared at her, petulant.
Her shoulders heaved dramatically as she sighed. Then she barely cracked the window, enough to talk but not for me to climb inside.
Which killed me.
Killed me.
“I hope you know you ruined a completely amazing date.” My voice cracked. “I was having fun, damn it.”
Tears filled her eyes and her chin began to tremble. “I’m sorry, okay?” she lowered her face and hugged herself, making me want to apologize immediately. My chest compressed with pain. “I’m...I’m sorry. I never should’ve asked. It was stupid and thoughtless and selfish and...and...all you had to do was say no.”
“I did say no,” I muttered, my head warring with the need to make her feel better and yet still wanting to be pissed at her.
“Well...fine. Yes, you did. Why are you here, then?”
I sighed and scrubbed my face. “Because you’re crying.”
A muffled growling kind of laugh left her. “I didn’t start crying until you followed me and knocked on my window, damn it.”
“You were going to cry whether I followed you or not,” I said, arching a challenging eyebrow.
She lifted her chin defiantly, and the tears in her eyes glittered brightly. “You don’t know that for sure.”
“Yes, I do.” I moved closer to the window and clutched the frame, hating that I had to stand out here to say all this. “I hurt you, and you hurt me. The whole fucking reason I thought sex was a bad idea was because I was sure it’d hurt our friendship. So I’m not leaving here tonight until I know we’re still solid. Now let me in.”
“We’re solid,” she ground out in a tone that told me she was just trying to get me to go away.
I didn’t. Groaning, I let my head roll back so I could look up at the stars beginning to appear. The last time I’d looked up at the sky, the sun had been setting, Sarah had been at my side, and I’d felt more content than I’d felt...in maybe forever.
It was crazy how everything could change in only a few, awful minutes.
“Sarah,” I damn-near whimpered.
Grumbling out her defeat, she reached out and opened the window.
I climbed inside and shut the latch behind me, then turned to face her where she’d scooted back against the headboard and was hugging her knees to her chest.
A good five feet of space separated us, but it felt like miles. From the moment I’d held her after her mom had died, we’d had a very physical friendship, always hugging, touching, cuddling.
Not touching her just felt...wrong.
She clutched her knees and shook, looking small. Too small. “This is weird.”
I sniffed out my agreement and rubbed my face. Then I dropped my hands and drew in a breath. I couldn’t handle this fucking space between us.
“Look, I totally understand your need to prove to yourself that you’re not deficient in any way, which you’re not. You know that, right?”
When she gave a half-hearted shrug and wouldn’t meet my gaze, I growled. “Sarah. There is nothing wrong with you.”
“Then what other reason would you tell me no?” she asked in a harsh whisper. Her face lifted and blue eyes looked tormented. “Just say it already. You can’t get it up for me, can you?”
I blinked, totally not expecting that. “What?”
“It’s okay,” she murmured as if trying to soothe me. “I understand. If I just don’t attract you in that way, you can tell me. You can’t help what your body does and doesn’t want. But please don’t spare my feelings about it, because I need to know if that’s the case.”
A laugh burst from me. “You seriously think that’s my problem?” I gripped my side because, fuck, that had to be the funniest, yet saddest thing I’d ever heard.
My amusement set off a scowl in her. “Well, I don’t know, Brandt. Is it?”
Sobering, I shook my head. “Christ. You drive me insane. Does this look like a fucking limp dick to you?”
Glancing down at the bulge in my pants when I cupped it in my hand to show her how hard I was, her eyes flared wide. “Oh.” She sounded breathless and surprised. And then her gaze filled with hope as it darted up to my face. “You mean, I...I really can turn a man on?”
A man, not me specifically. None of her sex fantasies had anything to do with me. She just wanted a willing—and apparently hard—penis to work with.
Well, I wanted her to want me.
“Yeah, you can.” Sneering, I grabbed a pillow from beside her and yanked it close to cover my lap. “Congratulations.”