“Talking would be nice,” Thia said. She reached into the pocket on her dress. “I wanted to give you something,” she handed me a folded piece of paper.
“Ti, I’m getting married today. It’s a little too late for love notes, don’t you think?” I asked, turning the paper over in my hand. Thia giggled and we both glanced over to Bear who was watching us with his arms crossed over his chest and a hard look on his face.
“Do you know how Grace was always hiding things?” Thia asked, rocking from her heels to her toes.
“Yeah,” I said. “I remember that anytime she needed cash she’d be digging something up or hunting in the back of the freezer. She’d have things taped to the backs of picture frames and cereal boxes.”
“Well, since we’ve moved into her house I’ve found a lot of things like that. A twenty-dollar bill here and there. A coupon for free entrance to the swap meet. A ledger to a bank account that no longer exists.” Thia pointed to the page I’d begun to unfold. Samuel was written across the top in familiar handwriting. “This was taped to a truss in the attic. I found it while I was cleaning it out. I thought that you might want it today, so you can have a piece of her with you.”
I glanced down at Grace’s handwriting, running my fingers over her words. “Thanks, Ti,” I said, not able to take my appreciation any further with words because I was amazed at what I was holding.
“I’ll leave you alone.” Thia turned away.
“No, please. Stay,” I said.
“I’m not gonna hold you while you cry,” Thia teased. “But I’ll stay.”
“Deal,” I said, turning my attention to Grace’s words, written in neat cursive.
My Dearest Samuel,
This might just be a crazy letter coming from an even crazier old woman, but I feel in my heart I have to write it anyway. You may never read this, but I can’t NOT write it.
In case you didn’t already know, you’re dead. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told by numerous individuals who all make me want to run them over with Edmond’s old truck. So that’s what I’ve believed all these months. That you’re gone. I believed it when I held your blood-stained shirt at the hospital. I believed it when we lowered your casket into the ground.
I’ve mourned you. Every single day I’ve mourned you, my dear boy.
But something is missing and at first I thought it was a normal feeling of loss. Loss of light that always surrounded you. The color in my life. But it’s more than that. A lot more.
Because when I get on my knees at night and pray, I close my eyes and pray I don’t feel like you’re on the other side like my Edmond.
I haven’t brought this up to anyone, and I know it’s impossible, but my hope is that this is all either a nightmare or I am indeed crazy.
If I am crazy then I wish to save sanity for those who want or need it more, because I don’t want to live in a world where I don’t have hope that you aren’t out there somewhere.
Heart beating, warm skin.
I have hope. And because I have hope, I still have you.
It’s the little things I miss about you. Like correcting you even though I loved every word that comes out of your smart mouth, even the bad ones. Even when I was scowling at you on the outside, my heart was always smiling on the inside. Because you, Samuel, are a rare one. Someone who is as smart as they are cunning. Ever since the day King brought you to the house, just a skinny wrinkled-shirt boy, I loved you.
I hope she does too.
And my hope is that when you do come back, you go to whoever it is I’ve seen the flashes of sadness for in your eyes, and you hold onto her and never ever let her go. You’re a good person my Samuel, even if you’ve never thought you were.
Come back to us and share your burdens with your brothers. With your family. Let them be there for you like you’ve always been there for us. Let HER be there for you.
Whoever she is.
You are hard headed. The most stubborn young man I’ve ever met in my entire life and that says a lot considering I know Abel and Brantley and I’ve lived a long life and have met many, many people. None as unique as you. None as flawed as you. None as passionate and wild and enthusiastic about life as you. There is NO substitute for Samuel Clearwater and there never will be.
Life is colorless without you.
I love you, son.
I miss you more than words.
If ANYONE on this planet could avoid death somehow, I know it’s you. So come back. Come back to your family. I may not be here when you get back, but I’ll be watching you turn the world bright again.
If I’m wrong. If you are there on the other side when I get there, just know that I’ll be angrier than you’ve ever seen me in your life so consider this your only warning to get a head start.
I love you, Samuel.
My son.
Always & Forever
In this life & the next,
Mama Grace
I didn’t say a word when I was done reading, I just wrapped Thia in a hug. She was right. Now in a way Grace was with me. I felt more complete now. More at ease with her not being there.
“You’re welcome,” she said into my chest. Bear was already stomping over to us. I released her and tucked the note into my pocket.
“You know, I never really got to thank you either. For taking Chop out. I feel like a bitch that I didn’t get a chance to do it myself or see it go down but I’m glad the fucker’s dead, so thank you,” I said.
“Eh, it was no biggie,” Thia replied. “Had to protect this brute over here.”
Bear reached us and draped an arm over Thia’s shoulders.
“You can’t seriously be jealous of a hug,” I said, rolling my eyes at Bear. “I mean, I’m not jealous when you talk to Dre and you’ve had your dick in her.”
Bear grimaced.
Oops.
Thia actually laughed. “I know, Preppy. Bear told me that he and her and you...I mean, it’s okay, I know. I’ve told Dre I know too, so there’s nothing weird between us. I really like her by the way.”
“You’re one cool chick, Ti,” I said. I patted my jacket where Grace’s note was tucked safely inside. “And besides, it’s not like the thing with Bear was a big deal anyway, it was only anal.”
“I have to go help Ray,” Thia said, still laughing and shaking her head. “I’ll leave you two alone to murder one another. After all, we’re in the perfect place for it.” She dashed off to meet Ray where she was waiting for Dre to arrive.
“You’re right, Prep. It was only anal,” Bear said and I wondered where he was going with this teasing tone in his voice. “Because when I look back and I picture it all in my mind, I mean I didn’t remember much at first, but now I can see every little...”
“Bear,” I cut him off. “If you so much as think of that night in your pretty little head, I’ll murder you in your sleep,” I warned.
Bear smiled and pulled me in for a hug, he slapped my back. “I would expect nothing less, Prep.”
“She’s here!” Ray shouted.