They’re lying on the couch that’s been pulled out into a bed. They’re watching a movie. I don’t know which one. She nudges him and he nudges her back. This is a side of Damian I’ve never seen.
“So you like sci-fi and fantasies.” I hear her say something about him I didn’t know. I should know that. Fuck, we’ve been living together for a while now. “Your favorite food is Thai chicken curry, and I’m keeping you to it,” she laughs again. “Tomorrow, you’ll make me some.”
Tears sting my eyes, threatening to fall.
He eats curry? He’s going to make her some? I don’t know why such mundane facts about him are affecting me so much.
“If you’ve been a bachelor for as long as I have been, you learn to cook, Babe,” he teases, and I close my eyes.
“You cook, and I’ll stick to singing,” she says.
“You do that.” He throws his arm around her and pulls her in for a hug.
My eyes are glued to them as they laugh and joke. I’m jealous of the friendship they have.
“Come, back to bed with you,” he says, and I turn and run.
I run for the bathroom and I quickly close the door, leaving it open only an inch. I stand with a thundering heart and huge eyes.
I hear her door close but not his. I only hear her door close.
I slide down the wall until my ass hits the floor. After a few minutes, I lie down and place my hands over my ears, just in case. I don’t want to hear them fucking.
Something nudges at my shoulder, waking my aching muscles.
“Cara?” I open my eyes and I stare at the bathroom tiles. Shit! I fell asleep on the floor. I pull myself up against the basin, feeling groggy.
“Are you okay?” Damian asks. I can feel his eyes burning a hole into my back.
“I’m fine,” I grumble. I wipe the sleep from my eyes. I open the warm water and wait a second for it to run warmer before I splash some over my face. I fall into my morning routine of brushing my teeth and washing my face.
“Cara, it’s three in the morning. What have you been doing in here?” I hear actual concern in his voice. Even that hurts.
I finish drying my face and turn around and without a glance in his direction I push past him. How do I explain to him what I saw? How do I explain that I’m jealous of a stupid friendship?
I go to my room and crawl into my bed because I’m still tired.
The next morning I oversleep horribly.
I get up and quickly drag on a pair of jeans.
I’m fine. I’m a survivor. I’ll make it on my own. I will my heart to beat stronger.
I’ve just put on a bra when he knocks. I grab a shirt and don’t bother answering. I have my back to him as he comes in. My hands are cold against my skin as I pull the shirt over my torso.
“I can’t fix it if you don’t tell me what’s eating at you,” he says.
I pull on my sneakers and then only turn to him. “Nothing’s wrong,” I snap irritably.
“What the hell crawled up your ass?” he snaps
“Her!” I shriek. “The woman you have under the same roof as me.” I’m going to lose my shit right here. I’m going to go fucking crazy. “I saw the two of you, Damian. I fucking saw you and it’s total bullshit that she gets to see that side of you.” I straighten my back and take three deep breaths.
I close my eyes and will myself to calm down. I won’t crack. I won’t break. Not over her and him.
When I open my eyes, he’s standing in the exact same spot and his face is giving nothing away. Always the cold killer when it comes to me.
“You know what? Screw this shit. She can have you. If I meant anything I would’ve been your friend. I would have been the one you were lying with, talking to, watching a movie with. It’s obviously not the case. I’m just a mess you have to clean up, right?” I finally finish.
“We’re just friends,” he starts.
I shake my head hard. “And we are not. Don’t keep your friend waiting.” With every word I say a piece in me shuts down, becoming stone again. I don’t even know why I care what he does.
‘You thought you finally made a friend, you idiot!’ a voice taunts me.
“So I’m not allowed to talk to other women?” he snaps, clearly upset with me.
“I can’t tell you what to do, now can I? I’m just passing through.” He can fuck any woman. I have no right to him.
I was a fool to trust that this would be a safe place for me to stay.
“What’s really bothering you?” he asks, actually wanting me to finish but I’m done having this conversation. There’s nothing else to say.
“I’m sorry for my behavior, it was uncalled for. I have no right to tell you what to do.” My voice falls flat. I don’t take my eyes away from him. I deflate inside until I’m empty.
I breathe. I breathe. I breathe. That’s all I do. One breath at a time.
“That’s it?” he asks, and he takes a step towards me as he goes into predator mode, but this time it doesn’t scare me. “Now you’re sorry all of a sudden?” he hisses.
I nod, twice. “Yes,” I say clearly, “I’m sorry. You have all the right to do as you want. This is your house.”