I nod. “I’m sure.”
Three steps. It will take me three steps to get to him and only a moment to put my arms around his neck, only a moment more to kiss him. It could all be over in a few seconds.
I don’t move.
Gopal told me the men we were targeting were evil, a threat to the kingdom, enemies of the Raja. These small truths have been my only solace for years. But Deven—I think of the way he carried Mani on his shoulders all the way back to our flat, the way he held me while I trembled. I can’t do this. I won’t.
Deven squeezes my hand. “I’ll see you soon,” he says. He pushes the door open and is swallowed up by the crowd.
The relief that washes over me lasts only a moment. Deven is safe for now, but if Gopal wants him dead, he’ll be dead. I’m not Gopal’s only option.
I stay in the bookshop until closing, and Japa’s face is lined with concern as he hugs me goodbye. “You’re sure there’s nothing I can do?” he asks me for what must be the fourth time.
“I’m fine, Japa,” I tell him. “Really I am.”
He shakes his head. “You’re not a very good liar,” he says. His tone is playful, but a chill runs through me. I’m a better liar than he knows. “But if you need anything, Marinda…if things are bad at home…well, know that I’m here.”
Tears prickle at the backs of my eyes. He sounds so sincere, and for a moment I’m tempted to tell him everything and beg him for help. Help to hide, help to run, help to escape. But I know that if I don’t show up at the flat soon, I’ll never see Mani again, so I just nod. “Thank you,” I tell him, and then I leave before he can say anything else. Before he can tempt me to trust him with the truth.
All the shops on Gali Street are closing and the crowds have thinned out. I walk as fast as I dare without drawing attention to myself. Suddenly I’m desperate to see Mani and make sure he is okay. I feel like I can sense Gopal’s anger already, and I want to shield Mani from his wrath. I have never disobeyed a kill-order before. Not ever. Gopal knows I hate what he makes me do, but I’ve never refused to do it.
I arrive at our red door and rap three times. The door swings open. Gita has fire in her eyes. “Where have you been?” Gopal is standing behind her. He’s almost never here when I return from an assignment. This one must be important to him. Suddenly I know what I have to do.
“The mark never showed,” I say. I hope I sound annoyed.
“What do you mean he never showed?” Gopal asks. There’s a challenge in his voice, but I try to keep my face passive. I kick my sandals off and sink down into a chair. At least I don’t have to fake the exhaustion.
“He never showed. I waited all day and nothing.” Smudge circles my ankles and I pet her in careful strokes with steady hands. She purrs contentedly.
Gita is looking anxiously between me and Gopal. “Maybe we had the wrong day?” she offers. “Or the wrong place.”
His eyes narrow. “Or the wrong girl,” he says softly.
My stomach is swimming with panic, but I hope my face is calm. I think it is. Gopal is nobody, I tell myself. Just another man I must make trust me. It’s a lie, but it’s a good one and I feel steady.
I shrug. “Unless the mark was a mother with small children or a balding man with bad dreams, then he didn’t show. I can’t kiss someone who isn’t there. Even I’m not that good.”
Gita’s face smooths out and I know I have convinced her, but Gopal just continues staring at me. “Are you playing games with me?” he asks. I look straight into his eyes.
“I’ve been wondering the same thing about you all day,” I say. This part is true and I know that Gopal can see it in my face.
He looks away first and I feel like I’ve won a small victory. He makes it to the door in two strides. “I’ll be in touch,” he says, and then slams the door behind him.
Gita puts a hand to her chest and lets out a long sigh. She stands like that for a while before she meets my gaze. “I made some rice,” she says, gesturing toward the table. Mani is sitting in front of an untouched bowl. He hasn’t said a word since I arrived.
“Thank you, Gita,” I say. “I can take it from here.” A hurt look flits across her face, and I almost laugh that she thinks she has the right to be wounded. As if, after today, I should want the pleasure of her company.
Mani doesn’t look up until she leaves, but then he hops off his chair and flings himself into my arms. “That was the longest day ever,” he says.
I pull him close to me. “Did they hurt you?”
It’s a senseless question, because their very existence hurts him, but he knows what I mean. Did they use my tardiness to punish you?