He nods like he’s thinking that over, silently digesting my words.
“Not him, Mika,” he says finally. “You have to have a slow relationship that builds and grows. Someone who learns your limits and expectations without expectations of their own. You… This isn’t what you really want. You just want what you once had, and you can’t have that back.”
Yeah, it hurts to hear it confirmed aloud, but it’s more than that. I’ve felt more like me these past two weeks than I’ve felt in years.
“It’s not just wanting what I had back. We have… something different. It’s just as intense as it was, but it’s still different. And the way he looks at me… Aidan, I miss people not looking at me like I’m broken or need to be studied.”
When tears form in my eyes, he cuts his gaze away as his jaw tics. He’s reining in his anger, but I can tell he wants to explode.
“That sick fuck of a doctor was sadistic, but he was right about Chase. You made the relationship something it really wasn’t in your head. Yeah, it was intense. But he fucking broke things off and was on the verge of fucking someone else when you saw him again, Mika. How epic of a love is that?” he asks coldly.
A knot forms in my stomach as sickness tries to unfurl. Dr. Kravitz convinced me there was never a relationship as powerful as it seemed to my teenage mind. But in the past few weeks, I’ve quickly learned he was wrong.
I was just as in love with Chase as I always thought I was, and he loved me just as much.
“I don’t expect you to understand,” I say quietly. “You’ve never felt it. But I can’t deny what I feel for him, Aidan. It’s as intense as I remembered and just as real as I always thought.”
He shakes his head, standing before walking away from me.
“No. No. Your mind doesn’t have the ability to rationalize things now, Mika. You’re just forming an attachment too strong because you can’t stop yourself.”
That pisses me off. “I’m not like that anymore, Aidan. As long as I’m not agitated, I have the ability to rationalize things.”
He turns to me with pained, exhausted eyes. “You think you do. You haven’t been in a situation like this in years. Remember the last guy who you tried to date? It resulted in you crying on the floor and breaking half the shit in the house. You didn’t care about him, but you couldn’t stop yourself from needing him.”
I swallow down the bile from that sickening memory that still makes me hate myself.
“Yeah. I know. But I also know that I never loved him, Aidan. I knew I was being irrationally attached. I’ve had Dr. Stein since then, by the way.”
He stares at me, angry again.
“So you get involved with Chase, even though you know how irrational he made you before you were injured. What happens when he hurts you again? Do I end up in the ER with you?”
More bile fills my mouth, and I look away. He should slap me instead of saying things like that. Reflexively, my arms go around my middle.
“I haven’t hurt myself like that in seven years,” I say quietly. “I have healthy outlets now.”
“Does he even know the extent of what you need? Does he know how dangerous it can be for him to form a routine with you?”
I shake my head, staring at the floor.
“Some love. You can’t tell him because you know he’ll leave you, Mika.”
My eyes come up, and my lip trembles as tears start to drip.
“You’re wrong, Aidan. That’s not why I haven’t told him. I don’t want him to look at me the way you do. It’s the only reason I’ve left him in the dark.”
Hurt replaces his anger in that instant, and regret shades his eyes as he walks toward me.
“Mika—”
“Don’t,” I say while clearing my throat and holding my hand up. “Don’t deny it. I realize what I’m risking, but you have no idea how much worse it hurts to see pity instead of freedom when someone looks at you.”
He sinks to the chair adjacent to me, staring helplessly at me as I wipe the tears away.
“I don’t want him to feel trapped with me. I always worry about that with you. You’re my brother, but I sometimes feel like you feel stuck with me. It makes me feel so guilty. I just wanted someone to be with me because they wanted to be. I haven’t had that in so long, Aidan. Chase was my best friend first. I was his light.”
My voice breaks as Aidan looks down at the ground.
“He’s going to hurt you,” he says quietly.
“Maybe,” I confess. “But it’s worth it to me.”
My phone goes off with a text tone, and I look over to see it’s from Chase.
CHASE: Running out for a beer with Blake. Be there after we finish up. Shouldn’t be long.
Nausea hits me, but I slow my breathing, forcing my shaky hands to text him, but it’s no use. There’s only one letter I’m able to send and not beg him to get here now, expose my weakness.
ME: k