Aidan was right. This was a terrible idea.
Sluggishly, I move up the stairs to my office. As soon as I sit down, I start writing furiously, striking the laptop keys like my life depends on it. I try my damnedest to get all of the emotions out to dull the feelings inside me, turning them into fiction, pulling them out of reality.
Tears start to fall, but the cathartic release is necessary. I’ll stay here until these aren’t my feelings anymore. I’ll write until I convince myself it was all fiction. Not real.
It’s the only way to grab control. Knowing I almost let him fuck me against the wall is enough to remind me how weak I’m letting myself be.
So I write. I force the words out on paper so they can’t hurt me. So they’re not real.
I remind myself I’m not like everyone else, and go through all the steps to detach myself from the situation.
It’s not real.
Chapter 17
CHASE
Mom is passed out, and I turn her on her stomach as I always do… Just in case. At least he can’t hit her anymore. He’s too scared of what I’ll do to him. He spent four days in the hospital last time.
“That James kid is a menace,” is all the cops said to the doctor before I left the hospital that day. The doctor had checked my wrist, but he lied and told them there was no way I caused that damage to my old man because my wrist had been fractured for at least a week.
As soon as they’d left, he put my arm in a cast and told me I was tough as hell. Not to worry.
Now Dad is probably in a bar, boozing away all of our money. The electricity was cut off four days ago. If he knew I worked, he’d be stealing every dime of the money I have hidden away. He’d use it to gamble. Not pay our bills. Fortunately he stays too drunk to know where I am or what I’m doing.
Food stamps kept me from starving as a kid. Now I eat whatever leftovers are at the diner. Every dime I make goes toward a better future. A better future with Mika. She’s the only person to have ever looked at me and not be scared. She doesn’t give a damn about the rat hole I live in. She doesn’t give a fuck about my parents being shitty and disgusting.
My eyes glance over the words of her latest letter, letting her words bring me back into the light.
Chase,
I’m supposed to be doing homework, but all I can think about is you right now. I miss you. I love you. I can’t wait until summer is here again. Even more importantly, I can’t wait until graduation. I’ve put some pictures in the envelope. I had pictures of us developed from this past summer. It’s not much, but it’s something to hold onto. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Love,
Mika
My fingers trace over her face on the picture, and I can’t help but notice the way she’s staring up at me, looking at me like I’m something more. Something special. I never want to lose that.
All she cares about is me. Even her father likes me. He lets me be with her without telling her I’m not good enough. With Mika, I have a chance. I’ll treat her better than my dad ever treated my mom.
I’ll make sure she knows how much I love her every single day. She’ll never regret it.
Can’t get her out of my fucking head. Every time I close my eyes, forgotten memories resurface. Two days ago, my lips were on hers, her body was in my hands, and I managed to force myself to walk away.
“Why can’t you just be with her if she’s in Hayden anyway?” Blake asks.
I hate fucking tequila. I rarely drink liquor. It’s even rarer that I actually get drunk. My parents were both useless alcoholics who drowned themselves out of the world daily. Dad managed to hold down a job to support his habit. Mom got drunk and would screw whatever guy paid her twenty dollars just so she could get her next meth fix to go with her shot of liquor.
Getting drunk makes you forget, or it makes you bare your fucking soul or some shit. Unfortunately, the latter was my issue the other night, so now Blake knows everything.
“Because she needs to leave.” It doesn’t even sound like a good answer to me anymore. But Mika and I… There’s just too much history there, and I’d fall back into the trap of being someone else, getting lost in her like there’s hope for a happy ending. Then have it brutally ripped away from me when she realizes the same thing her father did all those years ago.
She’ll want more than I can ever give her. With Mika, there’s no chance of a no-strings relationship, or I’d fuck her just to get it out of my system. No. There’s no such thing as getting her out of my system—I’ve been trying for many fucking years.
With Mika, I’ll get consumed all over again. She’s like a fucking drug.
“I still wish I knew why she seems familiar,” Blake says idly.
“No idea. You didn’t move here until after she stopped coming.”
“It’s the eyes… Something about those eyes.”