“It’s not.”
I stared at her for a moment, willing her with my eyes not to do this. The talk with Adam had been one of the most difficult things I’d ever done in my life. Ceding defeat to that prick had been gut-wrenching. I’d replayed the night in my mind at least a hundred times: sometimes with regret, sometimes with sadness, and sometimes with rage. “I don’t want to stand in the way of anyone’s happiness anymore. That’s all.”
“Oh come on, Max. First I find the apology coupon, and then Adam tells me that you went to him and promised you’d stay away from me. I—"
“A promise you’re making me break by being here, I might add. What do you want from me, Lily? To admit that I’m a dick? Fine, I’m a dick. Everything you said to me that night in my driveway was the truth. I’m a taker, a user, a spoiled brat who’s only out for himself. But I don’t enjoy being that person, especially not when it comes to you. So I finally try to be a decent person for once in my life and fix something that I broke, and I get fucking interrogated for it in my own goddamn house.” The more I spoke, the more my anger flared. She was always fucking with my head, calling me out on things that were best left the hell alone. Why couldn’t she just go have her happily ever after with that asshole and leave me to try and figure out my own shit?
“Stop being a drama queen. I’m not interrogating you; I’m just trying to figure out . . .” she flailed her hand in my direction, “you.” She took a deep breath and seemed to try to organize her thoughts before she spoke again. “I feel bad.”
I started to speak—tell her that I didn’t need her fucking pity—but she rose a hand to stop me.
“I feel bad because I’ve placed a lot of blame on you for everything that’s happened in my life during the past year. And even though I’ve said over and over again that I accept responsibility for my actions, I really haven’t. It’s easier to lash out at you, to make you the bad guy, to point out all of your flaws and shortcomings than to take ownership of my own. When I called you in September, I acted like I was doing some noble thing: helping out poor, sad Max. But we both know I’m far from noble, don’t we?” She smiled sadly. “Part of me needs you. And whether it’s because you’ll willingly play the bad guy so that I don’t have to, or because you so adeptly play the victim while I get to be the savior, or because we have some kind of fucked up co-dependence, I’m really not sure. But whatever it is, I can’t let you feel that you need to keep paying for some sin that you never committed.” Suddenly, her face lit up into a genuine smile. “I’m here to help ya down off the cross, Samson. You don’t need to pay for my mistakes anymore.”
I stood there for a second, trying to process what the hell had just happened. Then, my lips twitched into a sardonic smile as I said, “Did I just get saved?”
Lily released a throaty laugh and shook her head. “You’re such an ass.”
I let the smile fade slowly from my lips. Then I looked at her seriously. “So where does all of this leave us?”
“I don’t know.” She rubbed a hand over her face. “My life is beyond complicated.” She looked at me hopefully, clearly wanting me to pose a solution that could make this all better. But there was no such solution.
“I think that we both only complicate things further for each other.”
Her brows lifted in surprise at my words, but then she cast her gaze downward, accepting the truth of them all the same.
She stayed silent, so I continued. “We both have a lot to figure out. And while I don’t plan to actively avoid you, especially since I was serious when I told Shane I wanted to see what that CrossFit bullshit is all about, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to try to have any kind of meaningful friendship right now. We’re people with a history that we can’t ignore, but I don’t think that necessarily means we can have a common future. We’re just not heading in the same direction.”
Lily looked at me thoughtfully. “You’re doing it again.”
“What?”
“The whole new I’m-selfless-and-I-want-to-do-what’s-best-for-everyone-else thing. It’s kind of endearing,” she teased.
I blushed at her words, but tried to cover it with a laugh. “Let’s not get crazy. I’m pretty sure I’m still an asshole.”
Then she grew serious, closing the distance between us as she placed her hand on my cheek. “But an endearing asshole all the same.” She leaned into me, raised up on her tiptoes, and placed a soft kiss on my cheek where her hand had just been. “See ya around, Max.”
And with that, she walked around me, opened the door, and disappeared behind it.
I stood there, looking at the door that had just led her away from me. After who knows how long, I reached beside me on the wall and flicked off the foyer light. “Goodbye, doll,” I whispered before heading upstairs and going to sleep.
Chapter 27: Lily