Once in my car, thoughts of Amanda and Shane drifted away. Instead, my thoughts were consumed with what I was doing. I was walking a delicate line and had to be careful not to sway too far one way or the other. Why was I putting myself through this? The situation I currently found myself in caused nothing but stress. And it was a huge distraction. I had just learned how to handle my own shit when I had his foisted upon me. And his shit was way heavier than mine. Then I free myself from all of the Max-centered drama, only to willingly walk back into it. And for what? I really didn’t need this aggravation when I had just gotten myself back on track with Adam.
But, ultimately, I knew why I was doing it. I just couldn’t leave things on bad terms with Max, especially not now that I knew what he had done for me. And I knew that he still needed me. Yes, it was twisted and confusing and more than slightly insane, but none of that really mattered. Not when you had the power to help someone put the pieces back together again. Even if his life would never be perfect, at least it could be whole. After all, I had been the reason he had shattered in the first place. I had to try and make it right.
As I parked my car and walked up his driveway, I thought about how far our relationship had come in the past four months. He had gone from flat out refusing to see me, to yelling at me, to calling me late at night when his depression hit him hardest, to finally starting to let me back into his life. And I did want to be in his life, even if it had disaster written all over it.
I rang the doorbell and took a deep breath. I wondered if I would always experience this hesitation when I saw him. Despite how much progress our friendship had made before I’d ended it, I still felt butterflies at the prospect of being in his company. As he pulled the door open, my eyes surveyed him briefly, and I quickly tried to steel my resolve. I was there for noble reasons. I was there as a friend. I would not fall back into the same old pattern with him. He deserved better than that. But goddamn, was he sexy.
“Hey,” he said quietly, a shy smile playing on his lips. His coyness only made him more attractive. This man in front of me was different from the one I knew so intimately nine months ago. I wasn’t sure which I liked more.
He stepped back so that I could enter. As I moved closer to him, I felt the familiar jolt of electricity that crackled between us whenever we were near. The feeling both terrified and titillated me. I looked up at him as I passed, our gazes locking instantly, and I spoke the only word my mind could formulate.
“Hi.”
Chapter 26: Max
Am I fucking dreaming? What the hell is she doing here? My mind was rapid firing expletive-filled questions as I watched her walk into my house and greet my dogs. Why do I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my fucking chest? I closed the door, and tried to regulate my breathing. And my emotions.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about having her there. On one hand, I was more excited than a six-year-old on Christmas. But on the other, I felt like an inmate peering out of the prison fence, looking at the life he would never have. I turned around to see her bent down on one knee, petting my dogs as they licked her lovingly. I’d never been more jealous of an animal in my life. “I’m surprised to see you. Everything okay?” My voice was soft, quiet, unsure. All of the things I normally wasn’t.
She straightened, dropped her shoulders, and turned around to face me. “I’m not sure.” Her face contorted into a genuine look of confusion.
“That sounds . . . ominous.”
She laughed and I was overcome with the depth with which I loved that laugh. Part of my road to self-discovery over the past few weeks had involved me coming to terms with my feelings for Lily. And as I finally accepted how deep they were, I knew that I had to also accept that they’d never be returned. But with her there, in my house, a slight flicker of hope radiated within my chest. And I almost hated her for putting it there. This unannounced visit would set back the progress I had made in trying to get over her. And since there had been virtually no progress to begin with, I knew I was totally fucked.
She looked down at her hands clasped in front of her before jerking her eyes up to me sheepishly. “I have to ask you something, and I need the truth.”
“Am I known for lying to you?” Though I’m sure she hadn’t intended it to, her comment stung. Between the two of us, I was definitely not the bigger liar.
Reading the irritation in my voice, she dropped her hands and lifted her face so that I could see her fully. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you. I just meant that I don’t want you to spare anything. I want to know it all.”
My arms were crossed over my chest, and I leaned against the nearest wall. “Go ahead.”
“Why did you talk to Adam?” She wasted no time asking the question, almost as if she needed to hurry up and put it out there before she lost the nerve.
My body jerked slightly at her words. Of all the things I thought she’d come here to ask me, this wasn’t one of them. I had expected an inquiry about the coupon I’d slipped in her coat, or my not telling her about the broadcasting gig, but definitely not this. What the hell kind of fucked up mind games is Carter playing? I lifted myself off the wall and dropped my hands to my side, before raising my shoulders in a small shrug. “If he told you about our conversation, then I think it’s clear why I did it.”