I shrugged. "Sometimes I am. But sometimes I'm not."
Letting out a deep breath, Amanda took my hand in hers. "Lil, there is a ton of shit I know nothing about. Like what the hell Shane sees in me, or how I’m gonna survive on pine nuts and Paleo brownies." We both chuckled at her words, letting go of some of the tension of the moment. "But what I do know is that happiness should never be a part-time thing."
My whole body sagged. I knew she was right, but I had no idea how to fix it. Adam made me happy. But there were times, more often lately, that he made me unhappy too. It was like a puzzle with no solution.
"And, Lil," Amanda said, interrupting my internal wallowing. I brought my eyes to hers as she said, "Chances are, if you're not happy, he isn't either."
Burying my face in my hands, I willed our relationship to work. For everything to fall into place like it was supposed to.
That was when the tears came. And as they purged my system of the emotions I'd been carrying, I silently wished they could wash that thought from my mind too.
Chapter 38: Adam
Lily had been acting . . . strangely. I’d barely talked to her since the wedding, our phone conversations clipped and strained. When I’d called her out on it, she’d said she was just tired. That she just needed a few days to recuperate from the wedding. But it had been three days, and I was done waiting for her to tell me what was really bothering her.
So that’s how I found myself at her apartment building Tuesday night, using the key she’d given me to let myself into her building. I walked up to her apartment, my legs feeling heavier with every step I took. It was like my entire body was trying to warn me that this wasn’t going to end well. But as I rapped my knuckles against her door, not wanting to overly invade her privacy by letting myself in, I knew there was no disappearing now.
“Who is it?” I heard her voice ask tentatively.
At least she’s home. Though that thought was quickly replaced by my hoping that she was alone. And as my mind snowballed into her having a guy in her apartment, I silently scolded myself. Get it together, Carter.
“It’s Adam,” I rasped. I heard the sounds of the chain dropping and the bolt clicking before the door flew open. I didn’t like the look on her face. She looked . . . unhappy to see me.
“Adam, what are you doing here? Are you okay?” She was hugging the door, but moved back enough that I could enter. Closing it softly behind me, she turned toward me expectantly.
I took a seat on her couch, and she joined me. “I’m not allowed to come see my girlfriend?” I felt the shy smile on my face, hoping that my joking would set a more positive pace for our conversation.
“No, I mean yes, no . . .” She sighed deeply and smiled. “Yes, you’re absolutely allowed to be here. You just usually call. I’m surprised to see you.”
“Is it a good surprise?” Despite my desire to keep the tone light, my words were tinged with a childlike curiosity. I needed to know the answer, and I needed it to be the truth.
“Of course,” she replied with a tight smile. “When it’s you, it’s always a good surprise.”
Her posture was rigid and her eyes dropped as the words had left her mouth. She’s lying. And with that, the feelings of betrayal started to wash in like the tide during a hurricane. First she goes to Atlantic City with that asshole, then she becomes distant after the wedding, and now she’s fucking lying to me. I couldn’t help the thoughts forming in my head, or the words that were about to be released from my mouth. I was pissed.
“Do you have many people knocking on your door who aren’t good surprises?” My voice was nearly a growl, so deep I almost didn’t recognize that it had been me who had spoken.
She looked at me apprehensively. “No, I don’t get many door knocks. None actually.”
I exhaled heavily and dropped my head to my hands, pulling my fingers through my hair. “What the hell's going on here, Lil? I feel like I’m going crazy.” I steeled my resolve and looked up at her. “You’re avoiding me. I’m here to find out why.”
She bit her lower lip, her hands fidgeting in her lap. “I don’t know what you mean. I’ve just been tired.”
“That’s two,” I boomed as I held up two fingers. “Two times you’ve lied to me since I walked in here. Now shoot straight with me.” I waited for a few seconds, but when she made no move to speak, I filled the silence. “Are you seeing someone else?”
She rolled her eyes and scoffed as though she were disgusted. “Of course, that’s what it always comes back to, huh? I need some space, and automatically it’s because I’m screwing someone else. That’s really perfect, Adam.” She stood up and began to pace around the living room.