“Okay, okay, I get it,” Amanda laughed. “You won’t be nearly as sad to see me go as I am to leave.”
“Oh, come on,” I smirked. “You know sarcasm is my best defense mechanism. It’s gonna be so different here without you. Whose clothes will I borrow when I get sick of my own?” Amanda shot me a look that told me it was time to stop protecting my feelings. “Oh, alright,” I sighed. “The truth is I’m really gonna miss you. You’ve only been married two days, and I’m already going through withdrawal.” I stood up to put my arms around her, rubbing her back to show her how much I cared. But the truth was, I held tightly onto Amanda more for myself than for her. Because even though I was glad she was moving on with her life, I was still scared of being left behind.
“We’ll see each other all the time, Lil. Don’t be upset. You can come over whenever you want.” She gave me one last squeeze before letting me go. “Just make sure you knock first,” she added quickly. “Besides, you’ll probably be old and married soon enough too.”
“Hmph, maybe,” I said as I plopped back down onto the bed.
“What? What’s that about? ‘Hmph, maybe.’ Why do you say it like that? You and Adam are so good together. Well, except for that whole birthday thing,” she laughed. My expression must have told her to drop it. “But seriously, he’s a great guy, and you both seem happy together. You love him, right?”
“Yeah. I love him.”
“And he loves you?”
“Yeah.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
Uncomfortable with where this conversation might be going, I picked at my fingernails, hoping Amanda would just forget that I’d had such a strange response to her marriage comment. But her silence told me she wouldn’t let it go until I answered. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out myself,” I said. “I meant what I said at your wedding . . . how great you and Shane are together.”
“Lily, don’t do that.” I shifted my eyes up to look at her, and she stopped packing to take a seat next to me on the edge of her bed. “Don’t compare your relationship to ours.”
Refusing to listen to her, I continued my train of thought. “Just tell me how you do it . . . not let things get old when you’re in love.”
Amanda breathed deeply and let her shoulders fall heavily as she exhaled, preparing to respond. “I don’t really know how to answer that. We haven’t been together that long. I’m no expert on love, Lil. I think you’re expecting love to be this perfect fairy tale, and it just isn’t. Every relationship has its issues, including my own.”
“It’s just . . . in the beginning, when things were still new, even when we were getting to know each other again for the second time, our conversations were so easy. Our time together never seemed long enough, especially when it was just the two of us.” I paused to organize the jumbled thoughts in my head. “I don’t know. It’s like . . . when it's just the two of us, we fit together perfectly. But as soon as we try to incorporate the other one into our individual lives it's . . . awkward. Even at your wedding, our first instinct was to escape everyone and be alone. But I don't want to be that person who withdraws from her friends to be with her boyfriend. That just isn't me." I let my head fall as the realization of my revelation sunk in.
“I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Relationships take work.”
“We’ve tried twice now.” Although, I knew as I said it that it wasn’t entirely true. The first time around I hadn’t given my relationship with Adam my all. A part of me wondered if the reason it seemed so difficult now was because I’d made things so difficult the first time. I had a feeling that even though Adam assured me otherwise, he still harbored lingering feelings about my betrayal—feelings he may never get past. I shook my head, unsure of my own emotions. “It’s like . . . we’re so good at falling in love. We just don’t know what to do when we stop falling."
“I think you need to talk to Adam about this. Chances are he’s feeling the same way. It’s perfectly normal. You guys just need to work through this together. Falling in love and staying in love are two completely different things.”
"But for you and Shane, it was the falling you had a hard time with. The staying seems to be going great." I couldn't help the pout in my voice.
"I told you not to compare. Shane and I do everything backwards. You can't use us as your benchmark."
"But you're the only truly happy couple I know." I spoke softly, knowing what my words meant, even though the veracity of them surprised me.
And as I watched Amanda's eyes widen, I knew she got their meaning too. "So you're not happy?"