Apparently, Izzy was taking too long to answer, or revealed some kind of emotional discomfort, as Dr. Kwon leaned forward and said, her voice soft and reassuring, “I’m sure this is a difficult thing to talk about, but I just want you to help me fill in a few blanks.”
“He’s not alive,” Izzy finally said. “He didn’t want me to have the baby. I said I was going to have the baby. He killed himself.”
“I’m very sorry, Izzy,” Dr. Kwon said. “Do you think you can tell me just a little bit about him?”
“He was older than me. He was an artist, a painter.” With each new detail, Izzy felt strangely elated, as if she was reconstructing Hal, bringing him back to life. “He was also a teacher. He was well educated, a B.F.A. and an M.F.A. in art from Yale. He was a very good cook. He had traveled a lot.”
“Was he married? To someone else, I mean.”
“No.”
“And you were his girlfriend?”
“Sort of. Yes, I think so.”
“And why don’t you want to mention his name on the forms?”
“He didn’t want the baby,” Izzy said, feeling as if she was also explaining this to herself for the first time. “I don’t want to involve him in any of this if I don’t have to.”
“And his family? How much do you envision them playing a part in raising your child?”
“None,” Izzy said, feeling strangely exhilarated. “They do not want any part in raising the child.”
Dr. Kwon flipped through the pages in what Izzy assumed was her own personal file. “Well, could you tell me a few of the skills you possess that you would like to pass on to your child?”
“What do you mean?” Izzy said, feeling quite certain that she had no skills that any child would want.
“When your child is developing and becoming his or her own person, what aspects of your own life do you hope to instill in him or her?”
“It’s a him,” Izzy said. “I just found out today.”
“Congratulations,” Dr. Kwon replied. “Well, what things about yourself do you want to pass on to him?”
“I guess a love of literature and art,” Izzy said cautiously.
“Do you write or paint, Izzy?”
“Not really. I just appreciate it.”
“What else?”
“I don’t know, to be honest. I haven’t thought about this. I just want him to be kind. I want him to be kind to other people and I want him to be happy.”
“Okay, let me ask you in a different way. If someone asked you to brag about yourself, what would you offer them?”
“I would not offer anything. I wouldn’t brag.”
“Just suppose you had to.”
“I’m a hard worker.”
“Okay. That’s important.”
“Um.” Izzy could not believe that this was all, but it seemed like this was the sum total of what she had to offer.
Dr. Kwon offered her hand, palm out, as if to beg forgiveness. “We can move on, Izzy.”
“I can barbecue.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m really good at barbecue. Whole hog. I can prepare a pig and smoke it and serve it. It’s very good. I’m actually a fairly good cook across the board.”
“That’s wonderful. That’s what I’m looking for, Izzy. Great.”
“I can speed-read.”
“Excellent. That’s very useful, I would imagine. I wouldn’t mind having that skill.”
“I can whittle,” Izzy said.
“What does that mean?” Dr. Kwon asked, genuinely puzzled, it seemed.
Izzy reached into her messenger bag and produced the unfinished duck. She gently skidded it across the table to Dr. Kwon, who picked it up and inspected it.
“How did you make this?” she asked.
“I carved it with a knife.”
“This is impressive.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re more talented than you gave yourself credit for.”
“I guess so,” Izzy said, feeling slightly embarrassed that she was offering up these ridiculous talents as if they meant something. She felt like she was three years old, but she couldn’t stop herself.
“Can I keep this, Izzy?” Dr. Kwon asked, holding up the duck.
“It’s not finished,” Izzy said.
“I think it’s wonderful.”
“Well, yeah, you can have it.”
Dr. Kwon ran her thumb along the wooden animal and then placed the object in the pocket of her business suit.
“I know you’ve been reading about child development in preparation for the birth of your child, especially about attachment parenting, and I’m wondering if you have any fears or concerns about what you’ve been reading.”
“I’m terrified of just about all of it, really,” Izzy replied. The fact of the matter was that Izzy was already at a disadvantage, no husband to help shoulder the load, and she knew this. She knew what the books said about how important the early stages of childhood were and she knew that she was all alone in making this happen for her child.
“Why are you terrified about it?” Dr. Kwon asked.