“When are you going to get better?” he asked.
“Come here, Solomon.” Hana raised her right arm, stick thin and chalky. She waved it like an elegant wand of death. “I have missed you so much. If I’d never left you that summer…Well, I would have made you marry me. I would have ruined you, though—I ruin everything. I ruin everything.”
Solomon sat on the hard chair by her bed. None of the medications was working, Etsuko had told him. The doctors said there were only a few weeks or perhaps two months left at best. Dark lesions covered her neck and shoulders. Her left hand was unblemished, but her right was dry like her face. Her physical beauty had once been so extraordinary that it seemed to him that her current state was particularly cruel.
“Hana-chan, why can’t you go to America to see the doctors there? There have been so many advances in the States. I know things are much better there for this—” He didn’t want to play this stupid game where they wouldn’t talk about what was real. Just hearing her voice and sitting in her room where she couldn’t float away from him reminded him of everything magical and shining about her. He had been in her thrall, and oddly, even now, he felt so many things. He could not imagine her dying. He wanted to pick her up and spirit her away to New York. In America, everything seemed fixable, and in Japan, difficult problems were to be endured. Sho ga nai, sho ga nai. How many times had he heard these words? It cannot be helped. His mother had apparently hated that expression, and suddenly he understood her rage against this cultural resignation that violated her beliefs and wishes.
“Oh, Solomon. I don’t want to go to America.” Hana exhaled loudly. “I don’t want to live. I’m ready to die. You know? Do you ever want to die, Solomon? I’ve wanted to die for so many years, but I was too cowardly to say it or to do anything to make my wish come true. Maybe you could have saved me, but you know, even wonderful you, even you, my Solomon, I don’t think so. Everyone wants to die sometimes, nee?”
“That spring. When you left. I wanted to die.” Solomon grew quiet, never having admitted this to anyone. Sometimes he’d forget about that time, but being with her made the memory sharp and mean.
Hana frowned and began to cry.
“If I had stayed, we would’ve loved each other too much, and I felt certain that I would hurt you. You see, I’m not a good person, and you are a good person. You shouldn’t be with me. It’s simple. Mama said you got tested in America for your life insurance and that you are okay. I’m grateful for this. You’re the only person I have never ever wanted to hurt. And Mama told me that your girlfriend-o is a nice girl and educated like you. I don’t want to know if she is pretty. Tell me she’s hideous but has a good soul. I do know that she is a Korean girl. Tsugoi, Solomon. How amazing. You should marry her. Maybe people should marry from the same background. Maybe life is easier then. I am going to imagine you having three or four beautiful Korean children—with lovely Korean skin and hair. You have such wonderful hair, Solomon. I would have liked to have met your mother. Name one of your little girls after me, nee? Because you see, I will not have any. Promise me you will love little Hana, and you will think of me.”
“Shut up,” he said quietly, knowing she’d never listen. “Please, please shut up.”
“You know that you’re the one I loved. Hatsukoi was such a stupid idea to me until I met you. I’ve been with so many men, Solomon, and they were disgusting. All the filthy things I let them do. I’m so sorry for all of it. You, I loved, because you are good.”
“Hana, you are good.”
She shook her head, but for a moment she looked peaceful.
“I did bad things with boys after Mama left. That’s why I came to Tokyo. I was so angry when I met you, then when I was with you, I stopped being so upset. But I couldn’t handle it so I left and started hostessing. I didn’t want to love anybody. Then you went to America, and I was, I was—” Hana paused. “When I was drinking a lot, I thought you would look for me. Like in that American movie. I thought you would find where I lived, climb on a ladder up to the window, and carry me away. I used to tell all the girls that you would get me. All the girls wanted you to come for me.”
Solomon stared at her mouth as she spoke. She had the prettiest mouth.
“It’s disgusting, isn’t it?”
“What?” He felt like someone had slapped him.
“This.” She pointed to the lesions on her chin.
“No. I wasn’t looking at that.”
She didn’t believe him. Her eyes fluttered lightly, and Hana leaned back into the pillow.
“I want to rest now, Solomon. Will you come back soon?”
“Yes, I’ll come back,” he said, rising from the chair.