“And though I won't be here, you won't be alone. Not ever. You have the most wonderful father who will love you hard enough for the both of us. Your Auntie Isabel will always be there for you. Auntie Bonnie too,” I added, hoping it would be true. I kissed Oscar's head again and realised he had drifted off to sleep against me as I'd been talking.
“I know you'll wonder where I am darling. You won't be able to see me again. But though my body will be gone, my energy, the essence that fills me, and all of us, will continue on. I will become the trees, the flowers, even the wind. Energy never dies sweetheart. It just changes form. Maybe, if you stay very still and think of me, you'll be able to feel all the love I have for you. I hope so.”
I looked up to see Lucas standing in the doorway, watching me silently, tears streaming down his cheeks and suddenly I couldn't hold back my grief a second longer. I felt my composure shatter as the reality of what I had just done hit me hard in the chest, my throat closing up, tears pouring from my red, irritated eyes.
“Take us home,” I sobbed, reaching out a hand to Lucas. “Please, take us home now.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
The car pulled into our driveway after a long, quiet journey home and I gasped, reaching for Lucas's hand and squeezing tightly. “Bonnie,” I whispered. “It's Bonnie.” She was sitting on the doorstep, her arms wrapped tightly around her body, and even from my position in the passenger seat I could tell she'd changed considerably in the year since I'd last laid eyes on her. She stood, approaching the car tentatively, and I felt Lucas squeeze my hand hard as he drew in a deep breath. There were dark circles beneath her eyes, contrasting painfully with her lily white complexion. Her lips were rosy red, swollen and chapped, and her cheeks were sunken, giving her the appearance of some sort of ghostly clown. Her frame had always been slender, but now it was almost skeletal. My Bonnie. My sweet little Bonnie. I stepped out of the car, my legs shaking, and she smiled widely, a shadow of the girl I knew lingering on in her expression.
“Hey Sis,” she said, her voice soft, husky.
I grabbed her by the collar of her jacket, pulling her into me with such force I thought I might break her. She was here. Really here. “I missed you so much you bloody fool. Where have you been?”
Lucas stepped out of the car, walking slowly around to us, saving Bonnie from having to answer. Bonnie pulled back from me, smiling at Lucas. “Hey Bro.”
He dipped his head, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. “Welcome back.”
“Thanks.” She shuffled her feet, concealing a shiver and I realised she was freezing. “So, can I meet him?” Bonnie asked, nodding towards the car.
“Oscar?”
She nodded.
“Of course you can,” I laughed. “Of course you can!”
Thirty minutes later, after Bonnie had finally got to hold her nephew for the first time, Lucas took him out for a walk in the pram leaving Bonnie and I to talk. Having waited so long I found I didn't know where to begin. How to ask what had been happening with her. How to even start to explain what I'd been going through. I was scared anything I told her would push her right over the edge, and Bonnie seemed to sense this. She came to sit beside me on the sofa, taking my hand between hers. I flinched at how cold they were, the feel of her bones and tendons flexing beneath the paper thin surface. “It's not as bad as it seems,” she smiled, looking into my eyes. “I'm actually on the mend – no really,” she insisted as I raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “It's not been the easiest year, and I've made some stupid decisions, but things are getting better. I promise Roxy.”
I shook my head, not sure how to respond. I didn't believe her, but she seemed so level headed, so sure. “Bonnie, I... I have to tell you something.”
Bonnie dipped her face and when she looked back up I saw that she was crying. “I know. I got back a few days ago. Rox, you don't have to say anything. Isabel already did.”
“She told you? That I'm... That I'm going to –”
“She told me everything. She didn't want to, but I know when she's keeping a secret. Twin thing,” she shrugged. “Roxy, I'm sorry I was too selfish to be here for you when you needed me.”
“Don't say that! You aren't selfish. You couldn't have stayed, not when you had so much you needed to work through yourself. I understand that. I do.”
“I've wasted so much time with you. I should have been here.”
“You're here now.”
She put her arms round me, her forehead resting on mine. “Tell me what you need from me, please. There must be something I can do.”
I sighed. “I need you to tell me the truth. I need to know what's going on with you. I need you to be well and whole and happy again...”
“I'm trying.” She leaned back against the cushions, rubbing her eyes. “It wasn't your fault. You have to know that. I was already struggling... for a really long time. The accident just triggered something in me and I couldn't come back from that.”
“What is it sweetheart? What happened?”
“I think you know. I think I knew too, but I couldn't face it. I didn't want it to be true. I didn't want to end up like...”
“Like mum?” I murmured. “Bon, is it... do you have Bipolar?” She looked at me, her eyes on mine for a very long time, unable to speak. Finally, she gave a nod.
“I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough. I didn't know what to do, how to keep going, how to be normal. I didn't want to hurt you, like she did.”
“Oh Bonnie.” I took her hand. “You know, I never blamed mum for what happened. Not really.”
“I did. I hated her for leaving me.”
“You know she wouldn't have if she had been well. You know she loved us.”
“I do now... at least, I'm starting to.”
“Bonnie... is me, uh, leaving,” I said, unwilling to use the word dying. “Is it going to throw things off balance for you again? I couldn't bear the thought of you struggling because of me.”
“So stay.”
“You know I can't.”
“I do... Isabel explained.” She shook her head. “I'm seeing a doctor. I'm on meds. And I have time, I guess, time to prepare for losing... for losing...” Her words faded away and she wrapped her arms tightly around me, sobbing into my shoulder. “I wish I could change it. It's not fair.”
“Me too,” I whispered back. “But promise me, you'll stay well. You'll take the meds. You won't let losing me destroy you. Promise me Bon, you have to promise me!”
“I promise,” she replied.
A few hours later I climbed into bed having fed Oscar, watching in pleasure as his eyes had grown heavy, his breathing becoming deeper as he surrendered to sleep. His breath was sweet and milky as I kissed him softly, wishing him sweet dreams and placing him down on the mattress. Lucas got into bed on the other side of me and I turned to face him. “So is she going to be okay?” he asked, moving a strand of hair behind my ear.
“I hope so. Will you look after her?”
“You know I will.”
“I do.”
I rested my head on his chest, listening to the strong, reassuring sound of his heart. I felt a peace that had been out of reach for so long now. Seeing Bonnie had been something I had longed for since the moment she'd left. She was going to be okay. They all were. There were people who would love Oscar when I couldn't do it. Lucas would continue to be kind and strong and utterly gorgeous, and though it hurt to think of it, I knew he would find someone to love, someone to be happy with again. My family would grieve. They would mourn and they would eventually move on with their lives, thinking of me often.
“I love you Roxy,” Lucas said, his breath on my hair.
“I love you too.” He kissed me, his mouth soft, the perfect fit against my own. Then I closed my eyes, holding onto him tightly. My hand reached out behind me to hold Oscar's soft little fingers, and I felt a tear slip from the corner of my eye.
A few hours later I woke, unmoving, feeling the slow rise and fall of Lucas's chest beneath my cheek, the butterfly light touch of my son's hand in my own. The room was dark and still. The pain came fast, sudden but not entirely unexpected, and then there was nothing. It was over.
Lucas
Three years later.