“I think that's all we can do. It's what she wants.”
“I know. I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear she's alright.” I felt a surge of happiness, a weight lifting from my shoulders. I couldn't feel angry at Bonnie for not staying. I couldn't judge her for running away. She had her own problems, her own issues she needed to work through, and I couldn't resent her for putting herself first for a change. Knowing that she was out there, living, resting, whatever it was she was doing, even if it was in less than ideal circumstances, made me feel light and happy. “This is a very good week,” I smiled.
Isabel nodded, putting her hand on my cheek. “It is. I have a feeling things are going to get better and better from here Rox. For all of us.
Chapter Sixteen
Five months later.
“Hi baby, we're home!” I called, pushing my way through the back door and into the kitchen. I dropped the heavy bags full of fresh food onto the kitchen table and stripped off my coat and scarf, sweating in the heated house after the frigid air outside. Oscar was fast asleep on my chest, cocooned in a sling, and I could already see his face glowing rosy red. Leaving the shopping on the table, I padded upstairs. I could hear the shower running.
“I'll be out in a minute,” Lucas called. “You've been ages!” I popped my head through the door as the shower shut off. Lucas was drying himself with a massive fluffy towel.
“I know, time got away from me. I went to the Saturday farmer's market after I met the girls, I've got loads of stuff.”
“Food?”
“Yep. I probably should have taken the car though, it was a bloody long walk with all those bags, and this little monkey is getting heavy. And he threw up his milk all down my chest. I had to give myself a wipe down with baby-wipes!”
“Yuk. Is he okay?”
“Just indigestion I think. I'm going to put him down in bed, he's making me boil.” Lucas nodded, following me through to the bedroom and pulling on a pair of jeans. The day had been blissful so far. I'd met up with a couple of friends from work for brunch, both of them mothers too, and we had chatted about nappies and feeding, bedtime routines and how none of us ever had time to wash our hair anymore. The kind of topics that should have been mind-numbing, but were actually indescribably fulfilling. I loved it. All of it. I loved meeting other mums for coffee while our babies rolled on the floor or slept in our arms. I loved waking up at dawn, snuggling together in bed before taking a stroll outside, Oscar on my hip as we listened to the sounds of the birds waking up.
Every day was similar, yet never predictable. He was doing new things every week, smiling, babbling, getting little chubby thigh rolls. He was teething now too which was an added challenge, but I had nothing but sympathy for him. Even when he was screaming I found myself almost looking down from above, smiling at the image of us swaying on the carpet wearing holes in it, blissfully aware of how lucky I was to have him at all. It was so much more than I had ever hoped for – I even tackled the baby singing groups with a smile on my face.
I unstrapped the sling and lowered the sleeping baby onto the mattress, where he rolled on his side and nuzzled into a blanket. I smiled. He was a miracle to me, and watching him sleep was one of the best parts of my day.
“Do you want to go to the park when he wakes up? Or the soft play maybe?” Lucas asked, keeping his voice low so as not to wake Oscar.
I stood up, stripping off my jumper, and was hit with a dizzying wave of head rush. A splitting pain bolted between my eyes and my vision clouded, Lucas's face blurring. I tried to say something, to answer his question, but I couldn't seem to summon the words. A crashing, whooshing sound rang in my ears, deafening me and I lost all sense of up and down, my balance slipping away. I realised, with a strange sort of detachment, that I was falling. My head was exploding. Blackness was engulfing me.
I opened my eyes, to find myself laying in Lucas's lap, my head cradled in his arm, his deep dark eyes panicked and concerned. I could see all the details of his face. The thunder in my ears had gone entirely. I felt fine, if a little confused. “What happened?” I asked, staring up at my husband.
“That's what I was going to ask,” he said. “You fainted. I only just managed to catch you before you hit the floor. How do you feel?”
I pulled myself up to a sitting position, assessing the situation. “Actually, I feel fine.”
He shook his head. “You must have exhausted yourself going out for so long, carrying all the shopping back. You aren't getting enough rest as it is what with all the night-time feeding and Oscar's teething. You need to take it easy,” he insisted, brushing the hair back from my face and tucking it behind my ear.
“I was. I am. I don't know what that was, I just came over all dizzy. I must have stood up too fast after putting Oscar down. And it's too hot in here.”
Lucas frowned. “Head rush? You think it's normal to faint because of a head rush?”
“Maybe. It could be hormones. My body's all weird at the moment, it's adapting. I'm sure it's not uncommon for a new mum to have a fainting spell.”
Lucas nodded, still frowning. “Perhaps. But whatever the reason, you need to rest.”
“I'm not tired.”
He was already pulling back the duvet, guiding me into the bed. “Lucas!” I protested. “I still need to put the shopping away. And it's the middle of the day, I don't want to go to bed.”
He ignored me, pulling off my jeans and t-shirt, leaving me sitting on the mattress in my underwear. “Rest. Sleep. You need to take care of yourself.” Oscar was beginning to stir and Lucas scooped him up. “Hey little one. What do you say us boys go for an adventure?” Oscar gave a gummy smile and grabbed for Lucas's nose, and I couldn't help but grin.
“You're being over the top,” I said, though I knew him well enough that I was sure he wouldn't back down.
“I'm making sure you don't burn out.” He kissed me softly, his breath warm on my skin, then lowered my head down onto the pillow. He offered Oscar's tiny little cheek for me to kiss too. “We'll be fine. Won't we Osccy?”
“Don't call him Osccy!”
“Rest.” He blew a kiss and left, leaving me feeling utterly lost. What would I do now? It had been a long time since I hadn't had Oscar to keep me busy. As I lay between the cool cotton sheets, listening to the sounds of Lucas banging around in the kitchen putting the shopping away, then opening the front door and heading outside with my son, I felt suddenly heavy. I was tired. I hadn't really thought about it until now, but Lucas was right. I felt it deep within me, an undercurrent of absolute exhaustion. Reflecting on how well my husband knew me, I let my eyes close. I would sleep. And I would not think about the fact that I had just lied to him. I would shut away that thought, block it out, so it wouldn't be true.
Chapter Seventeen
Two months later.
I glanced anxiously at the clock, then back to the beautiful baby suckling at my breast. I would be late if he didn't finish his feed soon. Stroking a finger across the downy silk of his chubby cheek, I wondered how the time had passed so quickly. How could he be seven months old already? The time leading up until his birth had seemed as if it were stuck in tar, each second lasting a lifetime as I'd waited nervously for him to come. Yet the moment he was born, everything had changed. Now life was on fast forward and I found myself grabbing desperately to the moments, holding onto them tightly. It was all going too fast.