“Oscar,” Lucas repeated. “Oscar Bowen. We've waited a very long time to meet you little one.” He kissed his cheek and then placed the baby on my chest, covering the pair of us with the warm duvet. I felt like someone completely different. Someone who understood new levels of happiness, previously uncharted depths of emotion. As Lucas climbed onto the bed and settled his arm around me, I felt like I would burst with love for him too. The way he was looking at me made me certain he felt the same. “You are the most incredible woman,” he murmured softly into my ear. “I'm in awe of what you just did. But tell me,” he asked, his chocolate brown eyes burning into my own, “did you always plan to do this alone? I know we didn't talk about it, but I assumed you would want to go to the hospital?”
I shook my head. “I didn't want to go anywhere. I don't know... I didn't plan it, but when my waters broke, I knew I didn't want to do anything to disturb it. He was coming, and I knew I could do it. I was so sure.”
“You were right.”
“It was amazing Lucas. So amazing. There were points where I thought I couldn't cope anymore, but I just kept reaching further and further. I realised how much I'm capable of. Honestly it was the best thing I have ever done. I'm sorry I didn't include you in it. I thought you might be scared.”
“I would have been. I don't want to lose you. I want to keep you safe. But I would have respected your choice.” He kissed the top of my head.
“I know you would have,” I replied sleepily. I felt Oscar shuffling around, his lips smacking together against me. Smiling, I unbuttoned my pyjama top and offered him my breast. He latched hungrily, and I felt tears spring to my eyes.
“Does it hurt?” Lucas asked, concerned.
I shook my head. “No, it's just... I never thought I would be here. Doing this. I've waited so long for this moment.”
“Me too.”
“I want it to last forever.”
“You deserve so much happiness Roxy. We all do. Everything has changed for us now. This is a whole new chapter of our lives.” He eased his arm out from behind me, lowering my head onto the pillow. I moved Oscar so he was lying in the crook on my arm, still feeding ravenously. We watched him, his perfect rosy cheeks, his tiny moon shaped fingernails, his little button nose. I had done it. I had kept him safe and now he was here. I was finally a mother to a living, whole, beautiful boy, and I planned to be the best mother he could ever wish for.
Chapter Fifteen
I was in heaven. Raw, unrefined heaven. My pillows were butter-soft beneath my head, the smell of the fresh damp air streaming through the open window, cooling and awakening. The downy pink bundle in the crook of my arm lay completely still, his mouth wide, his eyes glued closed. Every now and then I would dip my head, hovering my ear just above his face to check he was still breathing, so at peace in his slumber it was impossible to tell.
Somewhere around day two I had started to believe it was real. This baby was mine. I had made him, I had carried him and now I had birthed him. I was really a mother. In truth, though I had always been too embarrassed to voice my feelings, I had considered myself a mother from that very first pregnancy. Something had changed from that moment, and though I had never got to meet or hold them or discover all the wonderful intricacies of the tiny beings that would have become my children, I had loved them all the same, unconditionally, keeping a space for each of them deep within my heart. But I had never talked of them. I had never referred to myself as a parent. It would have brought up too many unanswerable questions, too many painful memories. Oscar had changed that for me. I stroked my finger over his silky smooth cheek, wondering how long he would sleep. Soft footsteps sounded on the stairs and I looked up to see Lucas entering the room, bringing a tray of tea and buttered crumpets.
“You don't have to do that. I can get up you know?” I laughed.
“Don't you dare.” He put the tray down on the bed beside me and leaned over to kiss me, resting his forehead against mine. “You've earned a long rest in bed. Enjoy it.”
I smiled. Lucas was loving his new role as a doting father. He'd insisted on calling the midwife to check me and the baby over after the birth, and after she had given us the all clear, he had relaxed noticeably. I'd barely left the bed in the three days since Oscar had arrived, not due to exhaustion or illness, but because Lucas had insisted I savour these precious early days, and honestly I was far too content to argue with him. I'd waited too long for this to want to rush it. Oscar and I had been getting to know each other over the previous few days, and I had fallen deeper and deeper in love with him as every minute passed. He was a relaxed, happy little thing, he slept a lot, fed frequently and cried rarely. In fact, the only time I ever heard him complain was when I changed his clothes. He didn't like to be manoeuvred and manipulated into a new vest, and protested loudly, his face turning almost as red as his hair.
Lucas picked up the camera from the bedside table and snapped a photo of Oscar and I. A knock at the front door echoed through the house. “I bet I can guess who that is,” I smiled.
“She's been calling non-stop. I told her it was okay to come today,” Lucas said.
“Well go on then, don't leave her standing around on the doorstep.”
“Spoil sport.” He grinned and disappeared out of the room. A minute later Isabel poked her beautiful face around the door.
“Hey,” she whispered softly.
“Hey you.”
She tiptoed in, coming to sit beside me on the bed. “Oh my goodness... he's gorgeous. Roxy, you're a mummy. You have an actual baby!”
“I know.”
“It suits you. You look absolutely radiant.”
“I thought the radiant part was supposed to come during the pregnancy, not after?” I giggled.
“Well, when have you ever followed the rules, hey? Can I hold him?” she asked, looking longingly at Oscar. I nodded, though passing him over was more difficult than I had anticipated. The moment his warmth left my arms I felt an overwhelming urge to snatch him back. I resisted somehow, contenting myself with sitting beside Isabel and watching his peaceful little face.
“I wish Bonnie was here too. I can't believe she's missed so much. She doesn't even know she has a nephew,” I murmured. Isabel looked at me and I saw something unreadable in her eyes. “What?”
She shook her head. “It's probably not the right time...”
“What is it Issy? Tell me.”
She sighed, looking down at the baby. “Well, I suppose there's never a good time, is there? It's Bon. She wrote to me, I just got the letter a few days ago.”
“What did she say? Is she alright?”
“See for yourself.” She balanced Oscar on one arm and reached into her brown leather handbag. Fishing around inside it she pulled out a crumpled envelope, disconcertingly slim. She handed it to me and I took it with shaking hands, sliding the letter out carefully.
Isabel, Roxy,
I know I should have been in touch sooner. I'm so sorry. I didn't stop caring, it was just such a massive shock, Rox, seeing you like that. I was scared. I think you'll understand why. I read every single report in the news, and I was so relieved to see that you were okay.
I just don't feel ready to come back yet. I'm not ready to resume my life. I just need some time. I know you probably think I'm being selfish, but there are things you can't understand, things I can't put into words for a letter. It's complicated.
I will come back. I just need time.
I love you both so much,
Bonnie xxx
I read the letter in silence, my fingertips pressing into the thin paper as if I could reach my sister through the fine sheet. I could feel Isabel watching me, concern etched on her features. “Well,” I spoke finally. “I'm glad she's alive. I just wish she had given us a way to get in touch with her. I don't like that she's going through whatever it is she's struggling with on her own.”
“We don't know that she's alone. She could be with friends.”
“Perhaps.” I looked at the letter again, turning it over, hoping to see an address or a phone number. There was nothing. “She sounds pretty clear headed. Like she understands what she needs. I guess we just have to be patient. Wait for her to come home.”