‘Well, that’s up to him.’
Mum tucks her hair behind her ears and her dangly earrings shimmer in the light from the window. These days her hair is dyed, and not particularly well. It has a metallic look about it. She’s wearing a beaded wool dress, black woolly tights and high-heeled ankle boots. She is a very attractive woman. I find it extraordinary that there are mothers at the girls’ school the same age as she is.
‘Oh, Mum.’
‘Don’t you “Oh, Mum” me, Vicky. Are you going to tell me what’s happened?’
I can’t finish the toast. I push the plate to one side and concentrate on my tea. She watches me while I drink it, waiting for me to speak. Then she hands me my coat.
‘Let’s take that darling boy of yours for a walk. You can tell me all about it.’
We trudge along the promenade with the wind in our faces, a see-through rain-cover pulled down over Josh. I describe meeting David and feeling punch-drunk with the excitement of it. I tell her how, whenever I saw him, my brain scrambled, how in the space of half a term I went from sane to obsessed. A glance and a smile from him could empty my mind of my family and conscience and make anything seem possible.
I’ve borrowed one of her woolly hats and pulled it down over my ears. Max scampers ahead of us, investigating other dogs and bits of litter flung up by the sea. He comes back with a length of blue nylon rope in his jaw. Mum fights him for it, laughing as he whips his head from side to side, eyes popping. About as threatening as a guinea pig.
I remember when we first came here, thinking I was in paradise. I didn’t care about the state of the house, all I cared about was that the sea was barely spitting distance away and I could see the pier and the crazy golf from the front windows. It was wonderful. In Streatham I’d had much less freedom.
I wipe the sea spray from my cheeks and push my damp hand back into my pocket.
‘Tom doesn’t know, that’s the main thing,’ Mum says.
‘But that means I have to lie to him for the rest of my life. I don’t think I can sustain that.’
‘That’s up to you, of course, but you need to think about what will happen. It won’t be a question of getting it off your chest and it going away. Once he knows, he knows, and his first reaction, even if he calms down, is the one that will stay with him. You aren’t in love with this man, are you, Vicky?’
I shake my head. ‘No.’
‘Well then.’
We walk on in silence, listening to the gulls. Over the sea the sky is blue, but as is so often the case, to the north it’s cloudy. I love that about the coast; you can drive through depressing weather knowing that on the other side of the South Downs there’s a good chance the sun will be out, making the sea shimmer. It works the other way round, of course.
‘Do you ever wish you’d married?’
Beside me, Mum snorts. ‘No, not at all.’
‘But there must have been someone, once, who you loved more than any of the others.’
She counters smartly with, ‘Yes, but he turned out to be worse than all the rest of them put together.’
‘Which one was he?’ There were several to choose from.
‘Never you mind. We’re talking about you, remember. Have you heard from David?’
I shake my head. ‘No. And what with the break-in and Josh’s injury, I haven’t had a moment. If I stop to think I just feel sick with relief. I could have lost everything, and for what? What was the point?’ I can’t bring myself to tell her what actually happened on the morning of the break-in. For some reason, I’m far more ashamed of that than I am about David North.
Max comes trotting back to us, sniffs around the wheels of the pram and dashes off along the beach. He races to the shore and barks frantically at the waves.
‘You’d never think he’s lived by the sea all his life,’ Mum says. ‘Or maybe he has amnesia and every time’s the first time. Can dogs get that?’
I laugh. ‘I have no idea.’
We walk a short way before she says anything else. I’m happy in the silence.
‘It’s just life and human nature, Vicky. Chemistry.’
‘Was that all it was for you?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. I went with it. I was weak. But you aren’t weak. You looked at what you had to lose and made a decision. I never did that – and look at me now. I’m scraping the barrel with men like Peter Calder.’
‘He wasn’t that bad. Tom liked him.’
‘Did he?’ Mum turns to me and smiles. ‘That was sweet of him to say so. I don’t have many regrets, but I suppose I never had as much to lose as you do, and I’ve always been independent. I’ve never wanted to be tied irrevocably to anyone.’
I turn to face the sea and breathe deeply. A tanker breaks the line of the horizon, moving so slowly that it seems suspended. ‘You know what I’m worried about?’
She moves beside me and tucks her arm into mine, bending to pat Max, who is evidently wondering why we’ve stopped. ‘What?’
‘That I’m fighting my true nature. That my whole life is going to be a struggle not to fall for other men; that I’m going to end up alone.’
‘I think you’re getting the whole thing wildly out of proportion.’
‘Wildly?’ I smile, pulling strands of windblown, salty hair from my lips and cheeks, stuffing them back under the hat.
‘For goodness’ sake, everyone fancies other people; it’s just that most do nothing about it. You’ve had a wake-up call, Vicky, nothing more. You’re the only one who knows, so don’t worry about it. David is hardly likely to tell his wife. And you won’t tell Tom, because Tom is the love of your life.’ She stops and looks at me, her full skirt flapping around her legs. ‘You won’t, will you?’
‘No. But I did tell Amber.’
‘Well, I’m sure you can trust her. She is your best friend, after all.’
‘Yup.’
Josh pushes himself forward and I lift the rain-cover and unbuckle him. We leave the pushchair behind us on the path and walk down to the sea. I hold him upright on the sand and kiss his pink cheeks as he points at the gulls. Small waves crash and froth at our feet.
‘I haven’t been a great role model, have I?’ Mum says, her voice almost lost in the gusting wind.
I turn to her. ‘Yes, you have. You taught me how to stand on my own two feet. You made sure I was equipped for that. And you taught me to be generous in my dealings with others. I don’t want you to think I’m blaming you for my shortcomings.’