‘He’ll be delighted. He’ll have Robert and I’ll have you and the girls will have Sophie. Win win!’
Robert stands behind Amber as we leave, with his arms wrapped protectively round her waist. She gives me a smile that is at once complicit and affectionate and it confuses me. Poor thing. The idea of asking a friend for money appals me, as it must appal her. She must have been thinking about it for days, worrying about how to put it, and I probably made her feel so much worse. I won’t tell Tom, I decide. She would be mortified if he knew. By the time we leave the flat I’m clear in my mind that the offer of a holiday was not only the right, but the only thing to do.
May 1992
JUST BEFORE HALF-TERM Luke was made redundant. He said it was to do with government cuts and seemed unworried. Sally said they were fine for the time being because she was able to go back to work at King’s, but it took Katya barely a second to realize that this meant Luke would be in charge of her in the evenings. She sat at the kitchen table while Sally explained all this. Luke was out. Sally said that he would have a new job in no time at all, but until then they would try and make sure nothing changed too much for Katya.
‘I could come to the hospital after school and wait for you,’ Katya said.
Sally ruffled her hair. ‘That’s sweet of you, but you’d only get bored. No, it’s straight home every afternoon for your tea.’
Katya’s mouth turned down at the corners.
‘Hey.’ Sally stroked her hair back, her eyes searching Katya’s face. ‘Are you all right, love?’
‘I don’t mind if you don’t want to keep me. If I cost too much money.’
Sally gave her a hug, pressing Katya against her bony body. She smelt faintly of onions. ‘I wouldn’t give you back for all the tea in China. You deserve some stability in your life. You’re not going anywhere.’ She let her go, smiling now, and got the biscuit tin out of the cupboard.
Katya chose a chocolate-chip cookie. When her mum was alive she often didn’t go straight home after school. She liked to give Linda plenty of time to get herself together and had had enough nasty surprises to know not to hurry or walk in without letting her know she was there. She would go to the library and do her homework, or in the summer she would hang around the park and the playground, hiding behind a book, avoiding people. She could do that again. It would be easier now she was nearly eleven.
‘I thought I’d pop by and see how you were both doing,’ Maggie said. It was four o’clock, and Katya had come in from school to find Maggie sitting at the kitchen table with Luke, mugs of tea in front of them. Sally was at work.
‘We’re getting along like a house on fire, aren’t we, Katya?’ Luke said.
Maggie stood up and went to the window. ‘What beautiful tulips.’ Her voice sounded funny, not natural. More like she was acting a part.
‘That’s Sal,’ he said. ‘She does the flowers; I do the heavy stuff.’
He held the glass door open for her and Katya watched as the two adults wandered across the lawn. She thought it was weird how they seemed to suit each other better than Luke and Sally did. They were both tall, both brown-haired and brown-eyed. When Luke was with Maggie it felt like he was wearing the right set of clothes.
The kettle clicked and she filled their mugs. They had pink rosebuds on them. At home none of the mugs matched so you could have your favourite. It seemed less personal somehow when they were all the same. But at least they got washed up. She hoped she would get a chance to talk to Maggie on her own this time. Luke was looking pleased with himself, like he’d told a good joke. He had his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans and Maggie was rocking on her feet. She looked a bit mad, Katya decided.
Later Maggie went through things with Luke while Katya pretended to read. In reality, the book was a struggle and boring so she listened to what they were saying instead. How had it been? Was he under any pressure? How were finances? How was his relationship with Sally? She wonders whether, if Luke told her about the quarrels he and Sally had been having, she might get to leave and live with Maggie. But he left that bit out.
‘You’ve done so well,’ Maggie said. ‘I wouldn’t blame you if you decided that you couldn’t carry on with the fostering.’
‘I can’t imagine not having Katya with us.’ He added in a louder voice, ‘You’re happy, aren’t you, Katya?’
She turned round slowly, as if her attention was on her book. ‘I don’t mind if you want me to go.’ She tried to catch Maggie’s eye, but the social worker was gazing at Luke’s profile, her mouth twitching at the corners.
‘Now you’ve hurt my feelings,’ Luke said.
He made a face at her so that she knew she hadn’t. He was teasing. She didn’t like it when he did that; it made her feel as though he’d come too close, like he knew what was going on inside her. Something had changed. It was nothing she could explain; it was just a feeling like when something tiny gets stuck between your teeth and your tongue keeps worrying at it.
‘I’d better get on,’ Maggie said. ‘Emily’s round at a friend’s. I should pick her up. Katya?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why don’t you show me to my car?’
Maggie chuckled at something Luke said and touched his arm lightly. Katya scowled behind their backs. She was jealous. It was a horrible feeling, filling her head so that normal stuff was pushed out. She had felt it with Linda in the early days, before she realized there was safety in numbers, and at school with Gabriella.
‘Now,’ Maggie said, once they were out in the street. ‘Is everything all right?’
‘Why do I have to stay with them?’
‘Because they know you and they like you. You don’t want to have to start all over again with a new family, do you?’
She shrugged. ‘I don’t like it here. There’s nothing to do.’
Her chin started to wobble and she tensed the muscles in her face. She couldn’t put it in words because words would get her into trouble, so she stared at Maggie, but Maggie wasn’t looking at her, she was digging in her leather bag for her keys. By the time she’d found them, Katya had pulled herself together.
‘Let’s see how you get on for the next few weeks. We’ll talk about it again.’
‘Why can’t I stay with you and Emily?’ The words burst from her.
‘I’ve explained that,’ Maggie said. ‘It wouldn’t be appropriate.’
‘But why not?’
‘Katya.’ She let out a breath. ‘I’m extremely fond of you, but you have to understand, this is my job. If I adopted every child I looked after, my flat would be bursting at the seams. The only way I can do this is to keep a bit of distance. Do you understand what I mean?’ She held her shoulders and, when Katya started to cry, drew her in so that her face was pressed against her generous bosom. She stroked her hair but managed to gently push her away at the same time. ‘Cheer up, lovely. Things will get better. I promise I’ll always be here for you.’
Luke was reading the paper, his feet up, when Katya came back in. ‘Come and sit down then.’