“Oh my god, Imogen. You can’t stay out here,” Amanda said, her hands wringing together. The momentary levity was long gone.
“I have nowhere else to go,” I reminded her, wishing it weren’t true.
“You could go home—”
“She hasn’t come looking for me, Mandy,” I said quietly. “I’ve been gone a month. Do you think she even cares that I’m gone?” It was a rhetorical question. I didn’t expect a response.
From the look on Amanda’s face, she knew the answer as well as I did.
“I saw her last week,” Amanda mentioned, watching the kids ride their skateboards up and down the ramp.
“You saw my mom?” I asked, hating how hopeful I sounded.
Amanda nodded, turning her attention back to me. “She was at the mall with whatshisface.”
“Adam,” I filled in.
“Yeah, the guy who is way too young and way too hot for her,” Amanda complained.
“What were they doing?” My voice sounded small.
Amanda hesitated.
“It’s okay. You can tell me,” I coaxed. I was pretty sure that whatever Amanda had to say wouldn’t hurt me anymore than I was already hurting.
I was wrong.
“They were buying a bunch of new clothes. Your mom was all dressed up. She looked good actually. Happy.”
Knife one to the gut.
“Oh. Okay,” I said slowly.
Amanda gave me a sympathetic look. “She saw me and said hello. She asked me what I was doing with my summer. I mentioned that I had spoken to you.”
I swallowed thickly, feeling ill. “What did she say?”
My friend put her hand on top of mine and squeezed. “She didn’t say anything. Didn’t bat an eyelash. Nothing. She carried on talking about some place Adam was taking her over the weekend. She fucking giggled, Imi. Giggled! It pissed me off so much that I wanted to slap her. But I figured I didn’t want to get arrested or anything so I just walked away before I could claw her eyes out.”
We were both quiet for a long time. I shouldn’t have been surprised by what Amanda told me. I knew my mother didn’t care. But the confirmation burned. It maimed. It tore me apart.
“I can talk to my dad again, tell him you need somewhere to stay. Maybe he’ll understand—”
“I don’t want to put you in that position, Mandy, but thanks. I’m fine out here.”
I didn’t believe me and I knew Amanda didn’t either.
“You can’t stay out here forever, though. What will you do when it gets cold? When it snows? What will you do when school starts in September?”
I felt agitated. She was asking all the questions I hadn’t dared think about. Not yet. I was simply trying to get through each day. The future seemed like some distant idea that was just out of reach.
“I don’t know,” I told her truthfully. I didn’t have the energy for lies.
“You can’t go to class looking like you picked your clothes from a dumpster,” Amanda said, crinkling her nose.
“Yeah, because what I’m wearing is my priority right now,” I spat out, annoyed again.
Amanda jerked back in surprise. “I didn’t mean—”
“Look, you came to see if I was okay, well I am. You don’t have to stick around down here. I know you have other things to do.” I wanted her to leave. She was making me think about things that were better left avoided.
Like my mother.
My questionable future.
I felt like I was spinning wildly out of control and I was in for a painful landing.
“Don’t go uber bitch.” Amanda pursed her lips.
“I can’t talk about all of that right now, okay? I can’t think about what my life will be like in two months.” My voice shook. “I think it’s best if you go. I’ll call you when I can, alright?”
Amanda looked torn. “I could speak to your mom,” she suggested and I felt myself getting angry.
“Don’t you dare talk to her! I don’t want her knowing anything about me!” I shouted. Shane and Di looked my way and I knew they were minutes away from coming over to find out what was going on.
“I won’t, okay. No need to bite my head off.” Amanda sniffled and I felt bad for yelling at her. I reached over and quickly squeezed her arm. I tried not to notice how she cringed at the sight of my dirty hands. My nails ragged, the once bright red polish now chipped.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized.
Amanda looked around again and grimaced. “I can’t believe I ever thought it was cool to hang out down here. It’s really kind of scary.”
“It’s not so bad once you get used to it,” I found myself saying, defending the only home I currently had.
Amanda got to her feet, wiping debris from her clothes. “Well, I’d better get going. You’ll call me?”
“Yeah. I’ll call you,” I said, though I wasn’t sure I would. The longer I was out here, the harder it was to hold onto the life I had before.
“Okay. Bye, Imi.” Amanda gave me a quick hug and then hurried off, stumbling in her ridiculous heels. A few of the guys called out to her. She ignored them, all but running up the embankment.
Seeing Amanda had been jarring. I felt depressed. Overwhelmed.