The room smelled stale and clearly hadn’t had a remodel since the seventies. A double bed with an orange and brown duvet was pushed against the back wall. A small table was crammed into a corner with two mismatched chairs. A TV was bolted to the wall with what looked like a heavy chain and padlock.
“It’s not much, but at least it’s dry,” Yoss said, cranking the thermostat. The radiator started clanging but soon the room was toasty. Almost too hot. But neither of us cared. It was nice to be out of the cold.
“It’s great, Yoss.” I took off my wet shoes and left them by the door.
We both peeled off our socks and draped them over the radiator. I hung my jacket over one of the chairs and took off the hoodie that I hadn’t removed in months. It smelled horrible.
I went into the bathroom and could have cried. There was a bar of soap, two wrapped razors, and a small bottle of shampoo by the sink. Thin, yellow towels were folded on a shelf above the toilet. The sight of them was my undoing. The events of the last twenty-four hours crashed into me, and my legs couldn’t hold me up any longer.
I sat down on the edge of the tub and covered my face with my hands crying for so many things. For Bug. For losing what little I owned in the fire. For the new world of uncertainty that Yoss and I were forced to navigate now that The Pit was gone.
And for that tiny bottle of shampoo and dirty bar of soap. Necessities that had become treasures in my throwaway life.
There was a knock on the bathroom door and I heard Yoss calling my name.
“Imogen. Are you okay? What’s wrong?” I felt him pull me into his arms and I sobbed harder.
“I know, baby, I know,” he crooned in my ear. “I know.”
“There’s soap,” I sniffled when I could speak. “And shampoo and towels.” I sat back and wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. “I’m sitting here happy because I get to sleep in a bed and Bug is dead. What is wrong with me? What sort of person thinks like that?” I was close to hysterics. My brain was short-circuiting.
“It’s okay, Imi. There’s nothing wrong with you.” He kissed my cheeks. My nose. My quivering lips. He took my hands and held them to his mouth. “We will cry for Bug. We will grieve. And we will be warm and comfortable and happy that for tonight we’re safe. We’ll do that together.”
The tears fell harder and faster. I couldn’t stop them. All of the ugly, all of the horror came rushing over me and it was too much.
Yoss turned on the shower, the hot steam filling the bathroom. “You’ll feel better once you’re clean,” he murmured. “Do you need me to help you?”
I shook my head. I needed a few moments to myself. To try to get myself together.
“Okay, I’ll be right out here if you need me.” Yoss kissed me again and quietly left the bathroom.
It took me several tries to get my clothes off. My jeans were stiff from dirt and my T-shirt ripped as I pulled it over my head. I stood in front of the mirror in my bra and underwear. My ribs stood out beneath my stretched, pale skin. Any curves I used to have were long gone. Lost with the weight I had shed due to lack of food and constant stress.
I barely knew the girl that stared back at me. She was a far cry from the young woman who left her mother’s house all those months ago.
She was older.
She had seen things she would never unsee.
Her eyes were lost.
I grabbed the soap, shampoo, and disposable razor on the sink and got in the shower, the tears falling again at the feel of the warm water on my back.
I let the hot spray wash away more than the dirt. Something had to change. This life wasn’t the one I wanted for Yoss and me.
I thought about Bug and the future he’d never have.
But Yoss and I would be different.
We had to be.
There was a new story that we needed to tell.
Because our love needed a happy ending.
Present
Yoss slept for hours after we got back to my house. I cleaned up a little and put Yoss’s clothes in the washing machine. I carefully went through each item and was glad to see that a lot of them looked okay. The jeans were in fairly good shape and the flannels and sweatshirts, while stained, were in one piece.
There wasn’t a lot of clothing and I was able to get everything in one load.
After that I straightened up the living room as much as I was able to. I looked around at all the clutter and knew I needed to do something about my hoarding. Maybe it was time to get rid of a few things.
I knew why I held onto everything, but that didn’t mean I should.
At the end of the day, they were only things. It didn’t make my life any less empty. It didn’t fill the void that only one person could fill.
I boxed up a bunch of knickknacks and put them by the front door. I had a mild panic attack as I started clearing off my windowsills and end tables, but when I was finished it looked a lot better.
As I waited for Yoss’s clothes to finish in the wash, I decided to turn on a movie. Twenty minutes into Bedknobs and Broomsticks, I was passed out on the couch.
It was dark when I woke up and I realized I was no longer alone. I sat up, wiping my eyes. Yoss was watching A Street Car Named Desire, his legs stretched out in front of him.