He fell onto the bed, his weight coming down on her. She found it comforting. He was still fully clothed, but it didn’t matter. She held on to him because those memories were so close to the surface it felt like she was there again. “What did you wonder about?”
“I wondered if you would want me after what he did.” She closed her eyes because it was the question that had haunted her. “It was awful. It was a complete perversion of everything I loved about us. How did he know? How did he know exactly how to hurt me?”
Evans had taken particular pleasure in hurting her with the toys she’d always loved. He’d called her a pervert and a whore as he’d beaten and whipped her. He’d told her she asked for it by going to their club. He hadn’t understood at all. Alex would never have harmed her. What she and Alex had was a delicate dance of trust and love and pleasure.
“I wish I could have taken that pain for you. I don’t know how you made it through.” His voice was tortured, but he kissed her. He kissed his way down the scar on her neck. He didn’t let go. He didn’t pull away.
She let her arms tighten. It was safe to talk now. “I made it through because you were there with me. I closed my eyes and I pretended you were there. I went crazy. I started to see you when he would walk in and I would go somewhere else in my mind. I played back our sweet times in my head.”
“I was with you.” He whispered into her ears, his words achingly sweet. “I was with you. I knew you were in pain, and do you know what I wanted more than anything?”
“What?” She was sure he had wanted it to all go away.
“I wanted you alive. I prayed, angel. I prayed that you could take that pain and make your way back to me. I wanted nothing more than to be able to hold you like this. Just fucking like this. I love you. I loved you then. I love you now. I will love you long after we’re dead and gone. I love you, and I made the biggest mistake of my life when you came back to me. I should have danced and praised the fucking universe, and all I could do was give in to my guilt. Forgive me.”
How long had she needed to hear those simple words? “I needed you, Alex.”
He moved along her body, his erection pressed against her core. “Forgive me.”
“I tried to get your attention, but you were so far away. I thought that you didn’t want me. I thought that you didn’t want something that he’d had.”
A fierce look came into his eyes and he got to his knee, looking down at her. “You are mine. I don’t care what he did to you. You are fucking mine. You’ve been mine since the day you told me you loved me, and he can’t take that away unless we let him.” His hands went to his shirt and he tossed it overhead. “You gave yourself to me. You belong to me and nothing will change that except my own mistakes. I should have gotten inside you again the first chance I had. I should have pushed you, even just a little, but I let my guilt keep me away.”
His hands were working the fly of his jeans and Eve’s whole body softened. She likely looked a mess. She’d never been a pretty crier. She went all out, red nose and blotchy face, but Alex was looking at her like she was the goddess of love and beauty.
“I should have talked to you, but I was afraid of what I would hear,” Eve explained. “You aren’t the only one at fault here.”
He got off the bed with a frustrated growl and shoved his jeans off his hips, toeing off his shoes in the process. He just tossed his clothes to the side and then was back on top of her again. He seemed so hungry for her, as hungry as she was for him.
“I’ll tell you how I felt. I felt out of control. I felt lost. I didn’t want to make a wrong move with you.” He touched the scar on her neck. “I thought you were fragile, and I couldn’t stand the thought that I would break you.”
“I was fragile at the time.” She let her arms drift up to the headboard of the bed, offering him access. “I know I flinched when you touched me, but that wasn’t about you.”
“I knew that intellectually.” He ran his hand down from her neck to her breasts, brushing against the nipples. “But inside I wondered if you blamed me. I certainly did.”
She shook her head. “No, Alex.”
“You told me I was starting a war.”
“I didn’t imagine he would come after me. It didn’t really fit his profile. I had to change my profile afterward. He was very direct until his attack on me. Don’t blame yourself. You did everything you could. You left Tommy and Leon behind to protect me.”
His eyes closed briefly. “Only because Warren suggested it. Demanded is more like it. He even picked the guys. It still didn’t work.”
She needed to bring him back. She’d spent too many years letting him drift in his guilt, but now she knew it was her place to tether him so he couldn’t get lost again. “Kiss me, Alex.”
He frowned. “Where are we?”
In bed. So he would expect certain protocols. “Please kiss me, Master.”
“Better.” He brushed his lips against hers before returning to her breasts, his momentary lapse obviously gone. “I love your nipples. Have I ever mentioned that?”