“Thank you.”
Dr. Messina took the podium and began our lecture, saving me from the potential disaster of communicating any more with Landon. Maybe he had it right the first time—it was easier to walk away when you didn’t have to see the person every day.
One by one we stood, presenting our small papers comparing and contrasting two of the cultures we’d been studying. I took copious notes, doing my best to concentrate anywhere but on Landon sitting next to me. On his eyes that watched every time I flipped the page in my notebook. On his hands that flexed on the desk like he had to keep himself from reaching for me.
Good job not noticing.
I presented and managed to keep my eyes locked on our professor, who sat in the back of the room. That effort alone deserved an A. When Landon spoke, I focused on my notepad and definitely did not listen to his comparison involving the Dani tribe and their courting rituals.
I did not think about the way I’d started to feel like he was my forever.
I did not remember his hands on my body.
Slamming my notebook closed, I got the hell out of there as soon as she dismissed class.
“Rachel!” Landon called down the hallway.
“You okay?” Hugo asked.
“I’m fine,” I assured him as I stopped. “Go ahead.”
He looked skeptical but left me in the hallway like I’d asked. Students walked around me, all headed to their various classes as I stood like a rock in a rushing stream, blocking the flow.
“Hey, can we talk?” Landon asked.
“Sure.” I hardened every single defense I could muster against him and followed him into an empty classroom. He shut the door behind us, and I held my books in front of me like they could shield my heart from whatever he was going to throw at me next.
He put his on the desk. Probably because he knows he has nothing to fear from me.
I’d never been the one to dish out the deathblows in our relationship.
“What can I do for you?” I asked.
He leaned back against the desk closest to the door. “Talk to me.”
“Okay, well, how is the Nepal trip coming? Do you have it all mapped out? Weather check? I’ve heard it’s snow season, so I’m a little skeptical, but hey, it’s your dream, so I’m all for it.”
“Seriously? You want to talk about Nepal?”
“I don’t really want to talk. But you do, so I’m obliging you. Talk away.”
“Look. I didn’t know about the sponsorship deals. As far as I knew, we’d already killed the Gremlin contract, but Nick didn’t know. He was the one negotiating on our behalf. I would never agree to take any amount of sponsorship money to keep me away from you—”
“But you did,” I interrupted softly. My voice was flat, the byproduct of the blessed numbness that still gripped my heart. “That’s exactly what you agreed to the first time we tried this.”
His eyes closed in pain, like I’d just wounded him. “I know. You have no idea how sorry I am—how much I regret that decision.”
“I don’t.”
“You what?” He leaned forward.
“You leaving me like that led me to Leah, which in turn led her to Wilder. I can’t regret any role I had in that, no matter how badly it hurt. I can’t regret seeing your true colors.”
“Rachel.”
“I only regret that I didn’t pay close enough attention, that I let my guard down again when I already knew what you were. Everything that happened the first time—that’s on you. And we’ve been through it so many times that I’m just sick of thinking about it. The fact that you did it for money…” I shrugged. “I could have gotten over it if you’d just told me.”
“I was so scared of losing you.” His voice strained, emotion bleeding from him in a way I couldn’t let myself feel.
“Ironic, since you lost me by not telling me,” I replied.
“Did I? Did I lose you?”
“You sold me to my father, Landon.” The reality of it struck me as I said it, and I felt the first crack in the ice around my heart. Keep it together.
“Not this time. I didn’t. The first time I fucked up, but I didn’t make the same mistake. I promise. You have to believe me.” He stood and crossed the distance between us. I flinched when he took my face between his palms but didn’t protest.
That simple contact broke through my numbness, and as though someone had melted the ice with a flamethrower, my heart burned, and it hurt.
My eyes fluttered shut against the onslaught of agony, my body reaching for his, unable to recognize that he was the cause of the pain.
“Rachel, please. I know this is bad, but we are so good together. Fate, destiny, whatever you want to call it—you’re my infinity, my always. Tell me what I have to say to make this right. Tell me what to—”
“There’s nothing,” I said quietly, opening my eyes to see his locked on me. “Maybe that’s why this hurts so damn much now, seeing you and knowing that we’ll never be us again. I love you. I think there’s a huge possibility that I will always love you. And that doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t feel cherished, or respected, or loved. I feel stupid. You make me feel small and insignificant, and that’s not something I’m okay with.”
“No. God, no,” he said, shaking his head. “You are—”
“Stop,” I begged in a harsh whisper as my eyes prickled. “Just stop. I can’t hear another word out of your beautiful mouth. Or maybe I can. Maybe the problem is that I can stand here and talk to you because I’ve already come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what you want to tell me. There’s nothing you can say that will ever make me trust you again.”
He sucked in his breath, his eyes watering just like mine were.
“So let’s just agree to stop this. Stop hurting each other. Because there can always be love—it’s foolishly blind—but one thing I’ve learned from my parents is that relationships can’t exist without trust.”
I stepped out of his hands, the separation feeling more than physical.
“I love you,” he argued.
I smiled sadly as a single tear escaped down my cheek. “That’s what makes this so much harder, Casanova. I almost believe you.”
For the first time since I’d met him, he let me walk away without a fight.
Chapter Thirty
Landon
Hong Kong
Well, this plan was better in conception than execution.
How did I not think to bring a book? I’d already been trapped in here the last half hour, and I was going to go out of my mind if I had to stay here much longer with only my thoughts for company.
I checked my watch. She would board any minute now.
Pray she doesn’t have to use the bathroom.
I looked in the bathroom mirror, noting my bloodshot eyes and pale complexion. Good thing I’d managed to ditch the cameras. That had been the hardest part about arranging this whole damn thing—getting Bobby off my back.
This had to work. I was out of fucking options if it didn’t.
“Holy shit, a private plane?” I heard Rachel’s voice and tensed.