“He had them angled away from the mausoleum, just in case there was an earthquake. He made sure that there was no chance they’d fall into her resting place, that they’d hurt her. Even after her death, he protected her. That is love, or at least the kind of love I want. The kind that takes every precaution to protect the person your heart belongs to. The kind that’s an equal partnership, and devotion, and passion, and trust. Sure, I can do without the seventeenth-century polygamy, but the rest…that’s golden. That is love. Love isn’t abandoning the woman you say you love without a word.”
“God…” His eyes squeezed shut tight, and something shifted in me. I didn’t want to hurt him. We’d done enough of that to each other for two lifetimes. I just needed him to understand—needed him to stop inadvertently hurting me.
Reaching for him, I laid my hand against his warm, solid forearm. “I don’t hate you. Sure, I did once, but I grew up and moved on. If that’s all you’re looking for, you have it. I don’t hate you. What happened between us sucked, but I think we can agree that we were both at fault at different points.”
His eyes opened, pleading with me for something he wouldn’t name, and I was grateful for the silence.
“I think we can be friends, but you have to stop pushing me.”
“I can’t. After everything, you’re here, and I can’t stop pushing. Believe me, I’ve tried. I can’t stay away. I go for a walk and end up at your door. I grab lunch, and I find a Cherry Coke in my hand when you know I can’t stand that stuff.”
“Landon—”
“I am incapable of not pushing, because you’re here. The simple fact that you’re near throws every logical thought out the window.”
The slight plea in his voice slid through me, sent chills up my arms. He left you and didn’t bother to even come looking to explain. If I wasn’t here, he’d be chasing his next conquest, because that’s what he was doing now. I just happened to be the one he was pursuing for the moment.
Leah waved to me across the courtyard, and I took the coward’s way out. “Just pretend I’m not here. You were doing fine before I showed up.”
He caught my hand as I moved to leave, but I didn’t look back. Not when he was so close to burrowing through the very defenses he’d caused me to build. “I can’t. Didn’t you hear anything I just said? Every thought I’ve had since you came on board has revolved around you.”
I tensed, and for that second I wished it was enough. Since you came on board… But I couldn’t remember a day I hadn’t thought about him in some way over the last couple years. I licked my dry lips and swallowed past the growing knot in my throat. “Don’t worry. That will go away again as soon as I leave. Out of sight, out of mind, right?”
He let my arm go, and I walked away as calmly as possible, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other as I made my way to Leah.
The truth hurt him, but it hurt me more.
He might have had me on the brain since I got here, but he’d been in my head since the day I met him. Even now, with the hatred and the spite draining away, the need to defend myself against him screamed at me.
It didn’t matter how sweet he was here, how caring, how…Landon; my subconscious wasn’t ever going to let me forget that he’d been the hot stove I’d held my hand to at one point. I still had the scars, and if they weren’t warning enough, the way he’d invaded every aspect of my life since coming aboard should have done the trick. He was everywhere—my classes, the halls, the cafeteria, even my thoughts weren’t safe. If I wasn’t thinking about him, I was fighting back memories, thinking about how to avoid him, how to build stronger defenses against him.
I nearly hit my knees but somehow stayed on my feet as the realization drove itself home. Leah was right.
I’d never stopped thinking about him because I’d never gotten over him.
Fuck. My. Life.
Chapter Twelve
Landon
Kathmandu, Nepal
The late-morning sun shone through my hotel room as I pulled myself up on the bathroom doorframe for the twenty-eighth time. I’d done my best to sleep on the plane last night when we’d flown from Agra, but I still felt twinges of exhaustion as I pulled up for number twenty-nine.
There was a knock at my door. “Come in,” I said, proud that my breathing wasn’t heavy as I hit number thirty. I’d busted my ass to stay in shape this trip. While Wilder had been hitting on Leah, I’d been hitting the gym.
All for this trip.
“Hey, did you want some lunch…?” Rachel’s voice trailed off, and my smile lit right up. She might not want to want me, but that didn’t change the fact that we still had some undeniable chemistry.
I dropped to the floor and grabbed the towel I’d left on my chair, wiping the sweat from my face and neck. She stood with her arms crossed under her breasts, looking anywhere but at my bare chest.
Her cargo pants hung on her hips like a wet dream, and her long-sleeve henley and Patagonia vest hugged her perfect torso. Rachel did the impossible—made expedition gear sexy.
“So, lunch?” I asked.
“So, shirt?” she responded, glancing up and then right back down.
I shook my head and grabbed the shirt I’d left on the bed with my pack. “Not like you haven’t seen it before.”
She snorted. “Yeah, well…that doesn’t…whatever.”
Rachel is flustered. The revelation brought a bigger grin to my face, until I was pretty sure I was reaching clown proportions.
“Let’s go,” I said after pulling on the shirt. I grabbed my wallet off the dresser and locked the door behind us as we walked down the hallway. “Where is everyone?”
“At the café across the street,” she answered as we took the stairs down from the third floor.
“And you came to get me? How thoughtful!”
“Wilder sent me. He’s still hung up on throwing us together at every possible opportunity.” She made it to the ground floor first, but only because I really liked to sneak peeks at her ass when she didn’t notice.
Yes, I was going to hell.
“And you agreed?” I asked as we walked into the lobby.
“He said no one was going to get you if I didn’t, and I figured you’d eventually get hungry.” She shrugged.
Damn, that sweet, swelling feeling was back in my chest.
“So you decided to give in so I didn’t go hungry?”
She spun in the middle of the lobby, blowing a strand of her purple highlights out of her face as she stared me down. “Look. Just because I don’t want you weak before we head up to twenty thousand feet doesn’t mean that I have gushy feelings about you. Don’t read into it.”
“Gushy? Pretty sure you killed every gushy feeling yesterday.” God knew she’d effectively removed my heart and stomped on it. I was getting used to it when it came to her.
Her face scrunched. “It needed to be said, and I’m not sorry.”
“Well, you made your point.” I yanked my beanie out of my left cargo pocket and tugged it over my hair, already missing my baseball cap.
She shifted her weight and recrossed her arms. “So…friends?”
I laughed, the urge to kiss the frown off her face stronger than almost anything. “Rachel, we will never be just friends. But we can fake it for as long as you like. I owe you at least that much.”
She sighed, and when I gestured toward the door, she led us out. From the lobby, I’d barely noticed that we were in Nepal, but once we walked outside, there was no denying it.