“Well?” Jude said, wishing she’d downed a Xanax.
“She was released two days ago. Time was added onto her sentence for bad behavior.”
Jude’s foot tapped so fast she was practically dancing. “She came straight here.”
“You don’t know that.”
“We have to do something. Get an injunction or something. Maybe we should move.”
“We are not going to move.” Miles took her by the shoulders and made her look at him. “Calm down, Jude.”
“Are you insane?” Jude felt hysterical laughter bubbling up inside of her. She knew it was inappropriate to laugh now, but her emotions were all cross-wired these days. Sometimes she cried when she was happy and laughed when she was scared and screamed when she was tired. She pulled free of Miles and ran to her bedroom, where she found her Xanax and fumbled to open the bottle. “Damn childproof caps.”
Miles took it from her and opened it, handing her a pill, which she downed with his hot coffee. “You better get me an appointment with Dr. Bloom.”
She survived the next two hours in a medicated haze. She washed and dried her hair and dressed in a pale beige summer-weight sheath. It wasn’t until she was in Dr. Bloom’s chair, squirming under the psychiatrist’s sharp gaze, that she realized she was still in her slippers. “Thank you for making time for me,” Jude said, trying to hide her slippered feet.
“A panic attack. You haven’t had one in more than eighteen months. What happened?”
She couldn’t meet Harriet’s penetrating gaze. It made her feel weak and delusional. So she glanced to her left. “I was at Zach’s house on Saturday morning, making breakfast for everyone. Zach is studying for finals. School is going late this year. All those damn snow days add up.”
“And?” Harriet prompted.
“I saw Gracie outside … talking to … Lexi.”
“Lexi is the girl who was driving the car that night.”
“Yes.”
“We haven’t talked much about her. In fact, I believe you said you’d never come back if I mentioned her again.”
“Out of sight, out of mind,” Jude answered by rote, tapping her foot again.
“So you saw her again, after all these years, and you had a panic attack.”
“She was talking to Gracie!”
“Her daughter,” Dr. Bloom said.
Jude snapped to her feet and started pacing. She was having trouble breathing. “She gave up that right when she went to prison. She signed documents.”
“Is that when you think she gave up the right to be a mother? When she went to prison? Or when she killed your daughter?”
“Both,” Jude said, breathing hard now. Her chest hurt. “What’s the difference? She can’t waltz back in and act as if it never happened. Zach finally has his life back on track. I won’t let him see her again.”
“Sit down, Jude,” Dr. Bloom said in a reasonable voice.
“What if she wants … what if—oh, God.” Jude drew in a great gulping breath and started to panic. Dr. Bloom was beside her almost instantly, touching her back, rubbing it in a soothing way.
“You’re all right, Jude. Just breathe. Here, sit down.”
Jude got her breathing under control and the pain in her chest receded. With a shaking hand, she pushed the sweat-dampened hair out of her face and tried to smile. “I’m falling apart.”
“Would that really be so terrible?”
Jude wrenched away from the doctor. “Are you sure you went to med school?”
“Jude. You can’t control this situation.”
“Thanks for that pearl.” She looked longingly at the door. This wasn’t helping. “I should have swallowed a handful of pills when…” She couldn’t say the words out loud. She’d never been able to.
“You thought about it,” Dr. Bloom reminded her. “But even in the darkest times, you had hope.”
“You think hope is what stopped me?”