“You don't approve, Tocci?”
She finally turned to face him. The living room and dining room both abutted the front windows, and he was between them. He was standing up very straight – a defensive pose for him, she knew – and he had his hands shoved into his pockets. He should've looked odd, wearing expensive slacks and shiny black shoes along with only a sleeveless white undershirt on top. His hair was mussed up from their struggles, and she hadn't noticed in Carmel, but it had gotten long since their first date. It looked good. Wulf needed a little ruffling.
“It's beautiful here,” she was honest.
“Thank you. I paid a lot of money to make sure it was beautiful.”
“Money doesn't buy everything, Wulf.”
“I am very aware of that, Katya.”
It was such a charged moment. They were both saying very little, but it all meant so much more. Again, she found herself wishing he would just let go. Just say whatever it was he had to say. Get it all out, scream, yell, break something, anything, so she could have some closure, at least. She held her breath and waited, but his stubbornness won out over her body. A cold shiver raced down her spine, causing everything to shake for a moment.
“You should go get changed,” he sighed, moving from his spot. Those weren't the words she wanted to hear. Something in her brain snapped. What was she doing there? What was she really doing in his place? He clearly didn't have the balls to say what he wanted.
Well, good thing she did.
“What do you want from me?” she asked in a loud voice. He stopped mid-walk, one foot in front of the other, barely three feet away from her.
“Excuse me?”
“I never understood,” she said, holding out her hands. Her purse fell to the floor. “Why did you ask me out? You asked me out on a date. Why?”
“I told you why.”
“Then why'd you keep seeing me? You pursued this, Wulf. You showed up at my work, you showed up at my house. If all you wanted was sex, you had it. Why the long talks? Why the meals? What do you want from me?” she demanded.
He was silent for so long, she almost gave up on him. She'd already wasted so much time on the man – maybe he was just a lost cause. But as she took a deep breath, preparing herself for the final goodbye, he opened his mouth.
“Everything,” he said softly, staring straight at her. “I want everything.”
It almost killed her, but she refused to be taken in by beautiful words.
“That's not good enough,” she said, shaking her head. “You could've had everything. You walked away. And now you've brought me here. What do you want.”
“I ...”
“Jesus, Wulf. Just say it. Have you ever said it? About anything? What do you want for Christmas? For your birthday? Just for you. Only you. What do you want.”
“I just want you.”
“Really? Could've fooled me – you basically called me a naive slut, and then said I was stupid for thinking there was anything special between us.”
“I know I did. I was so angry at myself, and I took it out on you. I'm sorry.”
“Don't tell me you're 'sorry'.”
“Then what do you want me to tell you?”
“What you really want from me.”
Katya could just tell – he was still holding back. It was almost fascinating to her. A rich man, a powerful man, a successful man, yet he was completely unable to articulate his feelings. His basic wants and needs.
He sighed and rubbed a hand across this jaw, then took a couple steps towards her. He stopped in front of her. Not quite touching, but she could feel his body heat. Could see the confusion in his eyes while he seemed to search the floor for his answers. Eventually, he took another sigh and finally looked at her.
“I want you to look at me in that way you do – like I'm everything,” he said in a simple voice. “I want to see that look every single day. When I wake up, when I go to sleep, all the time. I want to be the only man that gets to touch you, hold you, kiss you. I want you to know … know that I look at you the same way. Like you're everything. You're everything to me.”
So many words strung together. Wulf rarely said a lot, but damn, when he did, he didn't mess around. She was blinking away tears by the time he was finished speaking. She looked away from him, trying to break the moment.
If she didn't, she'd end up broken.
“That's nice to hear,” she whispered, and out of her peripheral, she watched him hold his breath. “But if you felt that way, how could you say those things to me? I felt like I was going to die. Like you were hitting me. I don't understand how you could treat someone you care about that way. I just … I can't. I can't understand it, at all.”
Suddenly, he was in her personal space. Chest pressing against her shoulder, head bent to stare straight down at her. She refused to return the look and kept her eyes trained on the view. On the twinkling lights of the city.
“I wanted you to hurt. I was trying to put an end to your feelings,” he whispered back. “I thought … I knew if I didn't end it, you'd eventually leave me. And I couldn't handle that kind of pain.”
She finally looked up at him. It was heartbreaking. He looked like he was in pain right then. She was certainly in pain. So much hurting between two people who only wanted to love each other.
This is a very broken man.
“Why would you think I'd leave you?” she asked.
“Because, Katya. I'm a very bad man, who does very bad things, and you're a very good girl. It can't end any other way.”
She sucked in air quickly, dropping her gaze. It hurt, hearing him talk about himself that way. She remembered how Liam would get so angry at her whenever she said anything negative about herself. Now she understood. Hearing Wulf say that, it felt like hearing someone else say it. She wanted to get mad. She wanted to defend him, against himself. She wanted to hold up a mirror so he could see what she saw in him.
If she spoke, though, the tears would come. She didn't know how to help him. She'd already given huge pieces of herself, she wasn't sure she had anything else to give. Would he have to consume her, in order to feel whole? Would she have to break, in order for him to bend?
He seemed to understand that it was too much for her. He stepped away, cleared his throat, then walked back down the hall towards the entrance. She heard a door open, then a light was switched on. She took a couple fortifying breaths as he walked back into the living room.
“Go get changed,” he said. “Vieve stayed here last year, left some clothes. I put them in the bathroom for you.”