I smile weakly and let my head fall to the side.
“The intravenous didn’t work then, I take it?” I’ve been getting intravenous chemotherapy with rituximab every other month for almost two years. At first it was just the pills. Then oral chemo and steroids to reduce the swelling in my spleen and prepare my body for chemotherapy.
I was hoping intravenous every other month would be enough. After all, money can buy the best doctors and good health. Can’t it? Apparently not.
“I’m sorry Logan, it’s time that we move to the next step. The scan shows that it’s moving from the bone, which can be painful.”
I huff a humorless laugh. Painful doesn’t begin to describe what I felt on that stage. It was like someone stabbing me in my calf, straight to the bone over and over again.
The anger was just barely enough to keep me from acting on the pain. Chadwick Patterson is going to go down for what he did to my Rose. He had the fucking audacity to show up to the conference. That motherfucker. Smashing in his face isn’t anywhere close to justice.
I look down at my hand for the first time since I woke up. An IV is sticking out from the back of it, with a thick piece of tape holding it in place.
As I flex my hand it moves slightly, and it’s irritating as fuck. There are small cuts on my knuckles that are raw and bruised. Good. I hope his face looks even worse.
“The radiation is only for twenty-one days and it’s user-friendly, so to speak.” I look back up to the good doctor and feel slightly sympathetic that I’ve been ignoring him.
“You’ll remain relatively pain free, just tired constantly, and you shouldn’t lose your hair,” he continues.
“Do I have a choice?” I ask. I don’t want radiation. My grandfather died the day they started radiation. He was fine up until then. The slight pain in his chest was the only indication that anything was wrong. I see it as a sign. I don’t want it.
“If you want to kill it and live,” he says and I look him in the eyes while he gives me a grave expression, “then no, you don’t.”
I nod my head solemnly, giving in to the inevitable.
A small knock at the door takes the doctor’s attention.
He opens it and reveals Charlotte, my Rose. So fragile and beautiful. Yet something I shouldn’t hold.
Guilt presses against my chest as I stare into her glassy eyes. Her cheeks are red and tearstained.
Doctor Wallace turns to face me, standing in the doorway to prevent her from coming in farther. “Mr. Park-”
“Yes, let her in.” I won’t deny her.
She lets out a small sob as she walks into the room.
“Logan,” she says and her voice cracks.
“I’m sorry, Rose.” She puts a small hand over mine. “I should have told you.”
In this moment I hate myself. I know I never had a right to make her feel anything for me. I was selfish. I’m so fucking undeserving of her.
She shakes her head and doesn’t answer me. Instead she grips onto me tighter and tries to calm herself down.
“I still have faith that you’ll get through this, Logan,” Doctor Wallace says as he opens the door, “I need you to agree to do the radiation though. You have to stop working and work on yourself.”
Rose watches as he shuts the door, leaving us alone in the small room.
“I’m sor-” I start to speak, but she interrupts me.
“I talked to the nurses,” she says as she goes to the corner of the room and drags a chair across the floor and brings it closer to the bed. She flinches and mouths, sorry when the leg of the chair scraping along the floor causes a loud scratching sound.
She clears her throat and picks my hand back up. “They said it’s curable.”
Her eyes move from where our hands are clasped to my eyes. “They said the odds are in your,” her voice breaks and she lets go of my hand to cover her face.
Fuck. It breaks my heart to see her like this.
She takes in a ragged but steadying breath and angrily wipes under her eyes.
“Rose, my Rose. I’m so-”
“I’ll stay with you.” She interrupts me again and takes my hand with both of hers. My lips part and my heart swells. I want so badly to be a selfish prick and not push her away.
But she deserves more.
“I might not make it through this…” A small sob is ripped through her throat again as I press on and say, “You deserve so much more.”