I don’t hate him.
God, I think I’m in love with him.
Yes. That’s my problem. I’m in love with Jordan Tuttle. I’m madly in love with him, and he doesn’t love me back.
“What’s wrong?” I jerk my head up to find Livvy climbing off of Ryan’s lap and coming over to grab hold of my arm. She’s frowning, her eyes full of concern. “You all right?”
“Why do you ask?” My voice is shaky and my knees are wobbly. I need to sit down.
“You look like you just saw a ghost. Or got sucker punched.”
“The last one. Definitely,” I mumble, feeling faint. “I think I need to sit.”
She leads me over to a chair and I fall into it, leaning my head back so I can close my eyes. I cover my face with my hands and sit like that for a while, running over everything that just happened in my head.
“You look traumatized over the entire Eli scene,” Livvy says. “I hope you know you’re just making him look that much more desirable.”
I lift my head and start laughing. I can’t help it. “This night is surreal.”
Liv grabs a chair and sits in front of me. “Tell me what happened.”
So I do. I tell her about Eli dragging me to the bathroom. How we really didn’t kiss, it was just on the cheek—and then how Tuttle interrupted us.
“And he thought you were kissing Eli, right?” Liv’s eyebrows practically shoot up into her hairline.
I nod. “He was so pissed.”
“I’m sure,” she murmurs, her gaze growing distant. “Not like he has any room to feel anything, considering how he’s been ignoring you.”
That exact thought ran through my head again and again. It still does. Worse, I feel guilty for what happened between Eli and me—and nothing happened. I didn’t do a thing, yet it feels like I somehow cheated on Tuttle.
I absolutely, one hundred percent didn’t. He rejected me. He kicked me to the side like I meant nothing to him and he forgot all about me. No explanation, no nothing. Just…one night he’s got me naked in his bed and a few days later, we’re acting like strangers.
His rejection still hurts. It hurts so much.
“What happened after that?”
“He kicked Eli out, and then we—got into a fight.”
“Oh my God, Amanda! He didn’t hurt you, did he?”
“No! He would never do that. It was a stupid argument. I totally overreacted.” I shake my head. “And then after I overreacted and cried all over his shirt, he—he kissed me.”
“Oh. Wow.” Livvy leans back in her chair, staring at me. “He kissed you?”
I nod, the tears threatening to spill again. I press my lips together, desperate to keep it together. “And then I told him we had to stop.”
“You made him stop.”
“I had to. He won’t commit to me, Liv. I can’t be with someone who runs so hot and cold. He doesn’t trust me, and that means I can’t trust him either.” I don’t tell her everything Jordan said to me. That’s private.
“You’re never going to get over him if you two keep doing this. Trust me, I should know.” Yeah, she should, what with her Ryan and Dustin love triangle. “Once Dustin and I stopped doing whatever it was we were doing, I was able to focus on Ryan. And that’s exactly what I needed.”
“You’re not telling me to forget about Tuttle so I can focus on Eli, are you?” I am horrified at the thought.
“No.” Livvy shakes her head, laughing a little. “Absolutely not. He’s not the right distraction for you. But you do need to move on from Tuttle. He’s only hurting you, Amanda. I hate to see you in pain. As hard as that is to hear, you’re never going to get over him if you don’t eventually meet someone else.”
“I don’t want to be with someone else.” I want to be with Jordan.
Okay, that thought makes the tears flow. I wipe at my cheeks, frustrated at my lack of control, and when I glance up, I catch sight of Tuttle standing near the refrigerator, frozen in place as he watches me.
I stare back, letting him see me in all of my pitiful glory. Maybe he’ll come running over to me. He’ll pull me into his arms and tell me it’ll be okay and then we’ll be back to normal. He’ll say he trusts me and I’ll trust him, and then eventually I’ll admit I love him, and he’ll repeat the same words to me. He can be my first, and we’ll be the perfect high school couple.
But none of that happens. I’m living in a complete fantasy world. Tuttle turns away and exits the kitchen, his retreating back reminding me that I’m a fool.
A total fool.
I spent the night at Liv’s Friday and while we groaned and bitched at getting up so early this morning, we did make it to the caf by nine. Both of us are clutching venti PSLs in one hand and a warmed croissant in the other, surveying the mess that is the cafeteria.