I shake my head. “That sounds like such a bullshit answer—”
He cuts me off. “It’s not. I don’t know how to be real with you. I don’t know how to be real with anyone. How to share myself with someone, how to show someone I—I care. I just can’t do it.”
His words make me hurt for him, but this isn’t my fault. I refuse to feel guilty for his past, for his lack of emotion. “I can’t be with someone who won’t tell me how he feels,” I whisper.
Again, his answer is silence.
He’s killing me.
“If you don’t know how to share yourself with me, then I don’t think this is ever going to work. I need you to trust me, Jordan,” I say quietly, speaking to my feet. I don’t want to look at him anymore.
I can’t.
“I don’t know how.” His words sound like an excuse.
And I’m done with excuses.
He shifts away from the door and opens it, silent permission for me to leave. So I take it, bolting out of that bathroom so fast, I practically trip over my own feet. I stagger down the short hall, end up in the kitchen, which is crawling with all sorts of people. I see Ryan sitting on a chair in the breakfast nook and Livvy is perched on his lap. They look cozy, like a real couple, and I’m taken over by a sudden wave of envy.
I wish I was sitting on Jordan’s lap, talking and flirting and letting everyone in the whole damn school know that we’re together.
But it will never be that easy with him. And while I’m all for fighting for love and that kind of stuff, it’s hard when the one that I want doesn’t seem to know what he wants.
It feels like I’m fighting a losing battle.
“Amanda! Come here!” Livvy waves me over, and I go to her and Ryan. “Eli is telling everyone you kissed him,” she says when I reach them.
Oh, God. I completely forgot what we did—or more like what we didn’t do. What does that say about me? I go from almost kissing one boy to actually kissing another in a matter of minutes. But that last boy, I care about. A lot. “Um, well. We didn’t.”
“So he’s lying,” Livvy says, sounding pissed.
“No, not exactly. We—sort of kissed.” That’s a nice way to put it, though why I’m trying to make it seem like more, I don’t know.
Livvy’s jaw drops open. And so does Ryan’s. “Seriously?” she squeaks.
“So he didn’t lie,” Ryan mutters, looking shocked.
“He kissed me on the cheek. It wasn’t a big deal.” Pretty underwhelming actually, not that I’d ever say that out loud.
“Well, it was a big deal to him,” Liv says, worry filling her eyes. “He’s telling everyone he made out with Tuttle’s ex in Tuttle’s bathroom.”
“Crap.” I rub my forehead and glance around the kitchen. They’re all watching me, looking away quickly when I catch them staring. They’re probably all talking about me too.
This is…not good.
“I can kick his ass for you if you want me to,” Ryan volunteers. “I’ll gladly do it.”
“Thanks, but I’ll pass,” I say sarcastically, then reconsider. “For now.”
This makes Ryan laugh, and Livvy too.
“There she is. Where’d you go, babe?” Eli is beside me, slipping his arm around my waist, like we’re a couple. “I missed you.”
“Cut the shit Eli,” I tell him, making him immediately drop his arm. “This is not a thing.”
“But the kiss…”
“It was nice.” I spare his feelings and reputation by not bringing up that the kiss was on the cheek. I’m setting myself up for countless rumors, but I don’t care. I’m over all of this. “You know it would never work out between us,” I tell him softly. “We’re too different.”
“So you’re breaking up with me?” He’s shouting. I guess he wants everyone to hear our conversation?
“I’m afraid so,” I tell him.
The entire kitchen has gone quiet. As in, they’re all listening. This is nuts. And by the wild look in his eyes, Eli is loving every minute of it.
“Well, that fucking sucks, Amanda. I thought we had something real between us, but I guess not.” He grabs hold of me one last time and presses his mouth to mine in a fierce, quick kiss. “See ya,” he murmurs with a smirk and a wink.
Yes. He just kissed me. And winked at me.
Eli saunters out of the kitchen and I swear, ten girls follow after him, every one of them calling his name.
“You just gave him tremendous street cred,” Ryan says, shaking his head. “Now all the girls will want him.”
“I don’t get boys. At all.” This I tell Livvy, who’s totally laughing at the spectacle Eli just made.
“Join the club,” she says, offering her hand up for a high five. I give her a weak one, but this time, I can’t muster up the energy to laugh with her.
It’s either I laugh or burst into tears though. And I definitely don’t want to cry. Then everyone will think Eli was the one who made me cry, when he had nothing to do with it.
It was all Jordan. Jordan and his bossy demands, not letting me leave the bathroom, acting like such a complete jerk I started hitting him and telling him I hate him.