I play the message and it guts what’s left of me to gut.
“Hey. Sorry to be all stalkery with the multiple voice mails in one hour but I should’ve said something on the other message and I didn’t. So here goes. I want you to come to rehearsal tonight. I want you to play with us next Friday night at the Phi Kap gig and in the battle on Saturday. But mostly, I want us to not hate each other or hurt each other anymore. At least not if we can help it. I love you, Gavin. Bigger than your mistakes and bigger than the pain you cause me sometimes. Maybe that makes you mad or makes me seem desperate or stupid but I love you as much as I love music, maybe even more because I’ve loved you longer. Anyway, I do think we owe it to ourselves to see if the band has what it takes. Whatever happens afterward, I figure we’ll deal with when it comes.”
Since my mom hasn’t been around, there are no drugs that I know of in the house. Which means if I want any kind of fix, substance or sexual or otherwise, I have to go out. I suspect Dallas might be waiting to pounce on my ass or pound this shit out of me, depending on how much he knows.
I play her two messages a few more times and then I sit in silence until it nearly deafens me.
I can’t be what she needs. I’m not built to be the kind of man that could truly make her happy. But the thought of letting my mopey shit or temptations take away her dream is unthinkable.
If she wants the band, she’ll have the band. This much I can’t possibly screw up. If she wants a drummer, a drummer she will get.
15 | Dixie
“ACCORDING TO THE owner of the Tavern, there’s a drummer that sits in with the house band we might be able to hire for the battle,” Dallas tells me when I arrive at the studio downtown where we rehearse. “He says the guy has shit for brains and not the greatest work ethic but is a fantastic drummer.”
It wasn’t that long ago that Gavin and I stood on the rooftop of this very building and I wished for our dreams to come true. Feels like a lifetime ago. That was a different girl.
Gavin was right, though; that girl was honest and now it’s harder for me to open up about what I want. Though I did leave a perfectly good and thoroughly humiliating message on his voice mail. I can’t help but wonder if he ever listened to it.
“It’s Gavin,” I say, absently while applying rosin to my bow.
“Yeah, I know,” Dallas answers. “Ideally Gavin will show. But I’m saying if Gavin doesn’t show we should hire the house band guy as a backup.”
“No, I mean the guy that sits in with them. It’s him. Gavin.”
Dallas’s eyebrows shoot up. “Seriously?”
“Yep. You got a plan B?”
“I can see if Levi’s guy might want to play with us. They got that contract with Sony and they can’t participate in any events sponsored by other labels as their band, but I don’t know if that applies to them as individuals. I can ask.”
“Couldn’t hurt, I guess. Just feels . . .”
“Like cheating on him or something?”
I nod. “Kind of. How’s the nursery coming?”
“It’s nearly finished.” Dallas derails my attempt at a subject change. “You ever going to tell me exactly what happened?” He stops tuning his guitar and waits for me to answer.
I shake my head. “Honestly, I think if the situation were reversed, I’d rather not know this sort of thing about you.”
Dallas winces. “Got it.”
“Don’t make that face. It’s not just about . . . that. It’s . . . he’s not . . . I can’t . . .”
“Gavin has demons, little sister. He just does. He battles them every day and some days he doesn’t win. I know you love him, and I love his fucked-up ass, too, but I am your brother and it’s my natural instinct to protect you.”
There’s a hidden confession in there somewhere. “Dallas . . . did you say something to him?”