I shake my head. “Quite the opposite, actually. She said she’d follow me anywhere, but I don’t want to take her from her brother or the dog shelter. That’d be fucked up.”
“Zee, for once in your life, stop trying to protect everyone around you. She’s trying to give you an out of this persona you’ve played into. She’s telling you she’ll move wherever you need. Let someone else have your back for once.”
“Fuck, Maddison.” The tears are flowing now. Granted, they’ve barely stopped all week, but I usually do it in private. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.” My voice cracks. “I was trying to shield her from all the celebrity bullshit, but I can’t even think straight. I miss her so much.”
“Why would you break up with her then?” he gently asks, though I can tell he’d much rather curse me out for my mistake.
“As I said, I was trying to protect her from everything.”
He stays silent, allowing me to continue.
“I was trying to protect her from me,” I add in realization.
Looking up at him, it’s clear he knew this as his lips lift in a sad smile.
“I left her before she could leave me.” A disbelieving breath escapes me. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”
“Nothing is wrong with you, Zee.”
“Yes, there is!” I yell in frustration. “I was so sure she was going to break up with me after seeing all that shit about me online that I did it before she could.” I bury my face in my hands. “I thought she was going to abandon me just like every else did.”
I had three fucking sessions with Eddie last week, and he couldn’t tell me what I was doing? It took a middle-of-the-night conversation with my best friend and some warm whiskey to figure out I’m still dealing with shit from my fucking mother?
“Stevie loved you even when you were trying to show her your worst. But your best? Who you really are? You have to trust that she loves you enough to stick around.”
“She doesn’t love me.” I shake my head, quickly brushing him off.
“Bullshit.” Maddison laughs condescendingly.
“She doesn’t.”
“Zee.”
I try to look up, but it’s difficult to make eye contact. Maddison can’t and thankfully never will understand me in this way. He has family love, and he has soulmate love. He’s never been without it to understand the mindset I’ve had to create for myself just to survive.
No one has ever loved me. No one could or ever would love me, so I had to love myself enough to make up for it. What he’s asking of me, to trust someone else to take on that responsibility, is too big a task.
I heard what Stevie said when I was leaving her apartment last week, but in all honesty, I thought that was a tactic to get me to stay or to take it all back. My own mother couldn’t love me. In what world would I expect someone else to be able to?
“Zee,” Maddison repeats. “My kids love you. My family loves you, and you believe it. So, why the fuck can’t you trust that Stevie loves you too?”
I stay silent, too many emotions, memories, insecurities flowing through me to allow words to come out. Love is a scary idea, and I’ve spent my entire adult life convincing myself I don’t need it. That I can love myself enough so I don’t have to seek it from others, but that fragile belief has quickly started crumbling since Stevie’s been gone.
“You love so hard, but you need to start believing you are loved.”
Fuck.
“Trust me from experience,” Maddison continues. “All of this”—he motions around the hotel room—“the fame, the money, the fans. None of this is worth it if she’s not a part of it.”
I nod in agreement but have no idea how to fix it. I don’t know how I could dream of fixing things with Stevie when I need to mend so much of the past that haunts me and holds me back.
“She can’t handle the media bullshit anyway. She stayed away from it with Ryan, and here I come into the picture.” I shake my head, remembering why I ended things, why I gave her an out. “She doesn’t deserve the kind of hate you get from being associated with me.”
Maddison rolls his eyes. “Why don’t you let her decide what she can and can’t handle.”
I narrow my gaze before breaking the heavy tension. “You’re spending too much time with your wife, getting all wise and shit.”
“I’ve learned a thing or two over the years,” he laughs.
“Say something hockey-related in case someone sees you leaving my room so we can say we weren’t just crying and drinking whiskey.”
“That’ll give them some headlines, huh?” Maddison stands from the couch. “You’re going to get your shit together and are winning on Thursday. Then we’re going home and winning this series in five in Chicago. And next, we’re winning the fucking Stanley Cup.”
I stand with him, putting my hand in his, swinging the other around his back, and tapping his shoulder with my fist. “Deal.”
“You’re the best guy, Zee. You deserve good things, but you’ve got to accept them when they come into your life.”
I nod my head, agreeing but still trying to convince myself.
“I love Eddie, but for fuck’s sake, fire him and put me on retainer!” Maddison laughs to himself in the hall as he heads back to his room.
For the first time in days, I laugh. I smile. My mind has clarity.
But as I lay in bed with the blackness surrounding me, I pull a couple of pillows into my side, needing to hold something like the sad fuck I am. It’s something, but it’s not her, and my muscle memory misses the feel of her in my arms every night.
Anxiety runs through every nerve in my body, flowing through every fingertip, refusing to allow rest to find me. My throat is thick as I attempt to swallow, and my lungs are shallow as the realization hits me.
What happens when you learn you need love, but then you don’t have it?
45
STEVIE
My dad’s flight left a couple of hours ago, and I already miss him. But after a few days away from Chicago and Zanders, even though I knew he was in the same city as me, the fog began to lift from my mind. Clarity started to take over, and at this point, the only thing keeping my feet moving forward is the overwhelming determination to put myself first.
Zanders might not have chosen me, but from here on out, I’m going to.
Since the version of happiness that I want, the one where Zanders is in my life again, is off the table, I’m going to choose the next best thing. And that’s a life far away from him where I can walk outside my apartment and not see his. Where I can go to the dog park and not wonder if I’ll spot Rosie. Where I can work on an airplane without him being one of my passengers.
It might not be my happiest life, but it will be happy enough, and the overwhelming need to feel a spark of joy in my life is the only thing driving my decisions.
As the final seconds wind down on game four in Seattle, I want to cheer on the plane with Indy, but even though I truly am so happy for Zanders, my exhausted body doesn’t have it in me to celebrate. And on a selfish note, part of me hates that I won’t be on board for the finals if and when that series comes.