“It makes me feel like shit.” My head drops back, eyes screwing shut, needing to hold in the tears that want to fall. “In the time Zanders and I were together, he made me feel like I was his first choice. I’ve never been anyone’s first choice, and now it feels like it was all a lie. And it’s not that I want him to choose me over his career, but there could’ve been another option, and he didn’t even try to find another way.”
My dad hesitates, eyes darting around the room before they fall back on me. “I saw the headlines. Do you think maybe he was trying to protect you? Because that makes a lot of sense to me. I don’t know the guy, but from what you’ve told me of him, he’s known to be protective of the people he cares about.”
“Maybe, but I don’t need him to protect me. I’m sick of it, actually. Ryan does it too much, and maybe Zanders is doing it too, but I can stand up for myself. Those comments about me online were disgusting, and people are trash, but they didn’t upset me nearly as much as the way people were talking about him. I wasn’t even thinking about myself in that situation.”
My dad cocks his head, pride evident on his face.
“What?” I cautiously ask.
“You love him.”
“Geez, Dad.” I bury my face in my hands, needing to hide my burning tear-filled eyes. “Don’t remind me.”
He squeezes my arm. “I’m sorry. I’ve just never seen you like this. I know your heart hurts, and I’m not trying to disregard that. I’m just not used to seeing you so sure of yourself. I like it.”
It’s something Zanders instilled in me, to be sure of myself, to stand up for myself, but is all that gone now that he is too?
“Mom doesn’t like it.”
My dad’s lips press together as he attempts to hold back. “I didn’t want to bring her up in case you didn’t want to talk about her.”
“She’s been calling me nonstop.”
“I know.”
Silence lingers between us as we share awkward glances. It’s been nice not being subjected to the backhanded comments and the disapproving looks, but at the same time, I don’t know that I want my mom out of my life forever. I want us to have a better relationship. I want us to have the relationship we had when I was younger, and she thought I was going to follow in her footsteps. It wasn’t until I became an adult that my choices began disappointing her and our relationship suffered, but I do wonder if one day she could find the ability to be supportive again.
“Is she okay?” I finally ask.
My dad takes another long swig of his beer. “She’s coming to some realizations, and they’re hitting her pretty hard. She had a tough time seeing those headlines and knowing they were about you. But I’m not going to sit here and say she doesn’t deserve to feel the way she’s feeling.”
“They only said exactly what she’s been saying for years.”
“That’s my point. I think seeing them written down in front of her face, and coming from other people, woke her up to what she’s been doing to you.”
My dad’s words don’t have much emotion behind them, and he’s a somewhat sensitive guy who cares about his family more than anything, but the way he’s talking about my mom feels detached. It feels different.
My brows furrow. “Are you guys okay?”
His eyes leave mine. “I don’t know, Vee. This isn’t something you should discuss with your kids.”
“Well, if it’s about me, I think you should tell me. I’m an adult.”
“Things have been a bit strained, but I don’t want you worrying yourself about it.”
I sit up straighter. “Well, now I am. I don’t want you guys to have problems because of me.”
His chest moves in a sigh, his brown eyes glossing over slightly. “She’s a good person, Stevie. She’s just been lost these last few years, and she hasn’t been a good mom to you. I know that, and deep down, she knows that too. It’s hard watching her hurt you when she wasn’t always like this, you know. She was a really good mom to you when you were younger.” My sweet dad’s voice breaks before covering his mouth with his palm.
“I know, Dad.” I squeeze his arm. “I remember. I just wanted her to be proud of me the way she used to be, but I’ve given up at this point.”
He nods in understanding. “You never met your grandmother, but she was a real piece of work.” He releases a breathy laugh that has no humor in it. “She treated your mom exactly how your mom has been treating you. The only difference is you got out. You formed your own path and didn’t do every little thing she expected you to do. But your mom, she had some big dreams she put on hold to try to please her own. We got married much younger than we planned because her mother was pressuring us. She went to a college her mother chose for her.” My dad nudges me as if he’s silently asking, Sound familiar? “Now, I’m not going to put words in her mouth, but I think there’s some jealousy going on, and instead of being proud of you, the way a loving mom should be, she’s envious. But you know, I think she’s starting to see it, and the realization is hitting her that she treats you the exact way her own mother did. Who, by the way, she resents still to this day.”
I stay silent, absorbing this new information. I’ve never known much about my mom’s past or how she was raised. Her perfect little mask is hard to see behind.
“I’m not trying to make excuses for her,” my dad continues. “But generational trauma isn’t easy to break, and for the first time in a long time, I have a bit of hope that she might be able to learn and grow from this.”
I can physically see the emotional toll it’s taking on him, trying to be an empathetic husband while also standing up for his daughter. No part of cutting my mom out of my life was supposed to affect him or their relationship, but of course, it did.
Holding my beer out for him to cheers, I add, “Well, maybe something good can come out of those stupid headlines after all.”
He connects his empty bottle with mine. “Maybe.”
“I think I need another beer after that.” Standing from the couch, I grab two more from the counter.
“Speaking my language.” He takes a swig of his fresh one. “So, tell me everything else. How’s work? How’s the shelter?”
“The shelter is great. I love being there. The owner is the best, and the dogs are so sweet. As far as work goes, I don’t know how much longer I’ll have a job, so there’s that.”
“Do they know it was you in the picture?”
“Officially, no, but it’s only a matter of time until my name is released, and I’ll be out of a job.”
“When Ryan called, he mentioned there’s a couple of airlines hiring, and one happens to be out here in Seattle.”
“Yeah, but that’s off the table. I can’t leave him in Chicago. Not after he worked so hard to get me out there in the first place.”
“He wanted me to encourage you to look into it.”
That causes me to pause. “Wait. Really?”
“Yeah. If you want to.”
“Why didn’t he say something to me?”