"I know. I know I did."
He simply watched me for a moment, making me feel even more uncomfortable than I already was. All right, so he wasn't going to make this easy for me now. Maybe I didn't blame him—he was in self-preservation mode. "Well, now you can say what you were going to say on the phone, in person," he said, but not unkindly. He was perfectly still as if every muscle was tensed.
"I wasn't sure what I was going to say, honestly. I thought I'd have a little bit of time to think on it."
"Ah."
"So, um, why are you home?"
"I called in sick."
"Oh. Are you? Sick, I mean?"
"No."
I paused, waiting for him to continue, but he just stared at me. He still had that slightly startled look in his eyes that he'd had at the charity event, as if he still couldn't quite believe I was real. I felt real now though. I felt very real. My heart—filled with pain and uncertainty—was reminding me with every heavy beat. "Oh, okay, well that's good." I took the note I'd written out of my pocket and handed it to him. He took it and put it in his pocket and then sucked his bottom lip into his mouth for a moment.
"Will you come in?"
"I . . . yes. I mean, if that's okay." Gather your courage, Lily. You didn't expect him to be home, but he is. Roll with it. He stepped back and to the side as I walked into his apartment, my eyes moving over the furniture, taking in the classic, simple design, noting that he was obviously a very tidy housekeeper. Although it looked like he'd been parked on his couch. His laptop was open and there was a bottle of water and what looked like the remainder of a sandwich sitting on a plate, a few books with papers sitting on top so I couldn't see the titles.
He waved his hand at a chair next to the couch and I sat down. He took a seat on the couch. "So what was the gist of what you were going to say when I called you? Which I would have. I would have called you right away." There was something moving behind his eyes—nervousness perhaps—but his expression remained neutral.
My fingers twisted in my lap, and I stared down at them before finally raising my eyes back up to his. "I owe you an explanation."
He was quiet for a moment. "Is that the only reason you're here? To explain things to me?" And then leave again was implied.
I blinked at him. "Well that, and to let you know that your girlfriend came to see me."
"My girlfriend?" He frowned. "You mean Jenna? Why?"
I nodded. "Oh, she didn't mention it? She was very clear that I should stay far away. That I was bad for you."
His lips thinned and he looked briefly surprised, but then his expression went blank. "So you two agree then."
"Yes. No!" Anger and indignation spiked through me. "God, Ryan. I understand why you want to make this hard on me. I understand why you're angry. But no, I don't agree with her. The way she put it . . . hearing it from someone else, made me realize . . ." I threw my hands up in the air. "I don't even know what it made me realize, but when she said it, it just sounded—"
"Wrong," he supplied.
I let out a frustrated breath. "Yes. Wrong. It sounded wrong."
His shoulders relaxed slightly, and he leaned his elbows on his knees, bringing himself just a little bit closer to me. "It is wrong. And Jenna isn't my girlfriend. Truthfully, we only went on a couple dates. I broke it off completely yesterday."
That surprised me after seeing the depth of her possessiveness. "Oh . . . I . . . I mean, why?"
"Because it's not fair to date one person when you're in love with another, that's why." His voice was suddenly filled with intensity as if he had been barely holding it back and with those words, could no longer contain it.
I let out a breath. He still loves me. "Ryan . . ."
"Come sit next to me, Lily. Explain what happened. Tell me about your life. I want to know about you. I want to know every little thing. Please don't be scared. Please know that there's nothing you can tell me that will cause me to feel any differently about you." When I stood up and sat back down next to him, he turned toward me and took my hands in his. I gave him a smile and felt my lips waver slightly. This. This is where I've longed to be. It felt so good to be touched by him. He smiled back, so gently, and then he pulled me toward him, wrapping his arms around me. I relaxed into his embrace. It felt so good to be held. I hadn't been held by anyone in the year we'd been separated. I'd missed him so much. I burrowed into his warm, solid chest as tears slid down my cheeks. When I leaned away from him, he used his thumbs to wipe them away. "Lily, Lily of the Night," he murmured. "You've been all alone, too. You've been lonely just like me."