She reached out and put a hand on my leg, squeezing it gently. "It's okay, it was a surprise. To run into someone from your past, it's such a confusing feeling."
I remembered the first night I'd met her at the bar—she'd said her ex-boyfriend had shown up with his fiancée. Still, she hadn't thought her ex was a ghost . . .
"Yeah, it was a shock."
She looked down. "Have you spoken to her? Lily, right?"
I paused. "I have. She doesn't want anything to do with me."
It looked as if Jenna's shoulders relaxed slightly. "And you?"
I sighed. "That's more difficult to answer, Jenna. And I'm sorry about that. I really am." She shifted, crossing her legs and removing her hand from my thigh.
"You're still in love with her?"
I bent my head forward, massaging the back of my neck, stalling because I felt terrible about this whole situation. After a moment, I looked back up at Jenna. "Yes, I'm still in love with her."
Her face crumpled a little. "And yet, she doesn't want you."
"No, she doesn't want me."
Jenna took a deep breath, sitting taller. "Listen, Ryan, we just started dating. I understand you have lingering feelings for someone else. And that sucks for me. But, why not see where this can go between us? I'm willing to stay and see what happens. I really feel like, given the time, we can have something special together."
I blinked at her. "Jenna . . ." I let out a breath, shaking my head from side to side slowly. "Lily doesn't want to be with me, but it doesn't change how I feel about her. It won't change how I feel about her—at least, not for a while. And Jenna, it wouldn't be fair for me not to end things with you when my heart is still wrapped up in someone else. That would be wrong."
"But you like me," she said, hurt evident in her voice.
I closed my eyes for a moment. "I do like you. I like you a lot. That's why this is so hard."
"But you're dumping me for a girl who doesn't want you? You won't even give us a chance?" Her face was a mixture of disappointment and confusion.
"I . . . no. I'm sorry." I shook my head. "I thought I'd moved on enough, but I haven't." God, this fucking sucked. But I owed it to both of us to be honest. There was no way I could continue dating Jenna, no way I could dredge up any interest in kissing her, touching her, when I knew Lily was on the other side of town. Just . . . no way. And I knew it made me a fool. I knew it made me pitiful and probably stupid. No, no probably about it—it definitely made me stupid. But I wasn't going to drag Jenna into my idiocy. Then I'd be stupid and immoral.
Jenna let out a long breath. "Well, then I guess that's that," she said sadly.
I almost apologized again, but there were only so many times I could say sorry before it would start getting plain annoying and possibly conceited. Jenna was a nice, beautiful, intelligent girl. She wouldn't have any trouble finding someone else, someone with far more to offer. I pressed my lips together and gave her a look I hoped conveyed the extent of my regret over this whole situation. She stood and I did, too. Her eyes looked misty. I stepped in to hug her, but she held up her hand and shook her head and so I stepped back. I almost said something else, something about hoping she found someone who wasn't an idiot hung up on someone else, how she deserved more, how awful I felt right then, but none of it seemed right. Everything that flitted through my mind sounded like a line or a platitude. In the end, I decided it was best not to say anything.
"Goodbye, Ryan. I wish you the best. I really do." Her expression was sad, but her voice was clipped. She wasn't going to drag this out. I felt guilty, but relieved.
I nodded. "Thank you, Jenna. I feel the same way."
She turned and left, closing the door quietly behind her. I sunk back down on the couch, resting my head against the back and groaning in frustration. God, Lily, what are you doing to me?
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Lily
I took a deep breath and knocked on the door in front of me. Ryan's door. He wouldn't be home, of course. It was a weekday, and he'd be at work, but I figured I'd try anyway, before putting the note with my phone number asking him to call me in his mailbox. So when the door swung open, I sucked in a startled breath and stepped back. Ryan stood there, wearing jeans and a black T-shirt, his expression one of immediate surprise. "Lily," he said, staring at me.
I opened my mouth to speak and then shut it, unprepared, not knowing exactly what to say. "I didn't expect you to be home," I finally managed.
He leaned his hip against the doorway and crossed his arms over his chest, his expression slightly wary, as if he was waiting for me to hurt him. Again. The way I'd done at the charity event and then at the aquarium. "So why'd you come here if you didn't think I'd be home?"
I bit at my lip for a moment. "I was going to leave you a note, with my number on it. I was hoping you might call me."
He paused, his eyes running over me quickly. After another moment he said, "Two days ago you told me never to contact you again."