I sighed. "Yeah. I'll think on it." God, even talking about it like this was making me tired. Could I really even do it?
Jenna paused, giving me a small smile. "If you can wait a few days, I can come along and help."
I resisted grimacing. "No. No, thank you, Jenna. This is something I have to do on my own."
Her face fell as she pulled her hand away. "I understand."
"Thanks." Thankfully, the waitress interrupted the ensuing awkward pause with our wine. I fiddled with the silverware sitting on the table in front of me. "Listen, Jenna," I said. She stilled as if waiting for bad news. "I think I should tell you something about me. I mean before this goes any further. I don't want you to feel duped down the road and—"
"You're dating someone else," she said.
"What? No. No, nothing like that. No, it's about me."
She appeared to relax. "Okay, what is it?"
I paused, searching for the right words. "When Holden died, I . . . lost it for a while. I," Jesus, this was hard, "went a little crazy."
Jenna tilted her head, looking confused. "Okay. Well, I think that's only natural. I mean, it had to have been a huge blow. Now that I know you were best friends . . . it must have been devastating."
I nodded. "Yes, but . . . I don't think I'm communicating the severity of my breakdown. The truth is, I didn't just go a little crazy, I went a lot crazy." I let out a small laugh containing little humor. "I think you should know. And I won't blame you if you want to run in the opposite direction."
She watched me for a moment, and I shifted in discomfort, looking down. "Ryan, are you trying to tell me you're damaged goods?"
I met her eyes. "Uh, yeah, I guess that’s what I'm trying to tell you. That’s exactly what I'm trying to tell you."
She reached out her hand and put it over mine once again. "I'm sorry you went through such a hard time. And I'm sorry you lost someone you loved. But I think the fact that you took it so hard shows you're someone I want to know better, not someone I want to run away from."
I opened my mouth to say something and then closed it again. That was really nice. I wasn't sure I had properly conveyed the extent of my insanity, but I also wasn't sure I owed her all the details either. I felt better just having given her the bare bones.
Jenna raised her glass. "Okay, so, to new beginnings," she said. "To wonder and magic." The candle on the table flickered and for a moment, the light hit her eyes and they appeared almost violet. Lily. I blinked just as the light shifted, and they returned to their true hazel color.
I smiled and it felt a little bit wobbly. Holding my glass up and inclining my head, I said, "To Disneyland."
Later, I drove her back to her apartment and walked her to her door. And then, because she was pretty and nice, because she'd made me genuinely laugh for the first time in almost a year, and because she'd made me feel like I might not be damaged goods, I kissed her. Her lips were warm and soft and tasted of a new beginning.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Lily
"What do you think?" my grandmother asked.
I looked around at the plain room in the rental house, just a bed, a dresser, and a bedside table. The linens on the bed were white. Sterile. It didn't look much different than the room from which I'd just moved. At least it didn't smell like disinfectant. "It's nice," I said.
My grandmother smiled. "Well, it's just temporary anyway, but get yourself settled. I took the liberty of ordering a few dresses for you. They're in the closet. Try them on when you feel up to it, darling."
I stiffened, not turning as I nodded my head. "Thank you," I murmured.