I had the arrowhead though. It was something, wasn't it? Wasn't it?
I thought for a moment, remembering the myriad of things Lily had said to me.
I logged on to my iTunes account and did a few searches. Love songs from the forties she'd said. "All of Me" started playing, filling the silence of my living room. I listened to it from beginning to end wondering if this was one of the ones Lily would have liked. As the collection of songs played, "I'll Be Seeing You" and "Tenderly" and "Some Enchanted Evening," I stared vacantly at the ceiling, my head resting on the back of the couch, my hand in my hair. And I wondered if these songs were supposed to be so very sad and create the intense ache in my chest.
And what of the lingering sadness that was ever-present in my heart? Could I miss someone who had never existed? Could I pine for a dream? I was back to myself, and yet without her, everything just felt . . . off. Exhausted by my own thoughts, I climbed into bed, Lily's face the last thing in my mind as I fell into a dreamless sleep.
**********
"Hey there, handsome," Jenna said, standing up from the stair of my building where she had been sitting, waiting for me. She was wearing a slim black skirt and a white blouse, obviously having come straight from work, like I was.
"Hey," I said, smiling. "What are you doing here?"
"I found out earlier today I have to fly to St. Louis tonight—emergency packaging problem." She rolled her eyes and I chuckled.
"Sounds serious."
"It's solvable. Hopefully. Anyway, I can't go to dinner tomorrow night and I'm bummed. I thought maybe we could spend a little time together now before I have to go home and pack." She tilted her head, looking hopeful.
"Oh, uh, yeah, okay."
She grimaced. "You're busy. I should have called. This isn't a good surprise. And I looked up your address and just showed up, which is probably crossing the line. I'm being too forward. God." An embarrassed blush rose in her cheeks, and it was endearing.
I couldn't help but smile as I held up my hand. "No, no. I don't mind. It's a good surprise. I was just going to the gym. But I'd rather spend time with you." I nodded toward my building. "Let me just change and then we can go grab some food?"
Jenna let out a breath. "Yeah, cool." She still looked unsure and so I leaned in and kissed her cheek.
"Nice to see you, by the way."
She grinned. "Nice to see you, too." I took her hand and led her up to my apartment.
Half an hour later we were strolling along a street near the marina headed toward a casual Italian restaurant I hadn't been to for over a year. "Oh, I wanted to ask if you're available two weeks from now? Friday?" Jenna asked, turning to me slightly as she walked.
"I think so," I said, stopping in front of the restaurant and holding the door open as she passed through. "What's going on Friday two weeks from now?"
"One of my biggest clients is helping host a charity thing in Marin. I told her I'd be there."
"What's the charity?"
"Guatemalan whatnot. They're building a school or something like that."
I chuckled and raised one brow. "A cause close to your heart, then?"
She laughed. "Not really, but there'll be free champagne. What do you say? Do you have a tux?"
My mind was momentarily blank as I recalled a very different reaction to people in need. There's always someone society chooses not to see. There's always someone who is invisible through no fault of their own. And yet she hadn't existed? Confusion and despair tugged at my heart, but I did my best to push the feelings aside. Refocusing on the woman before me—the real woman—I quickly thought back to what she'd asked me. A tux . . .
"I could get one."
"Awesome."
The hostess led us to our table, and we ordered wine.
"So what are you doing this weekend then?"
I cleared my throat. "Actually, I have to clean out Holden's house. I was considering doing it this weekend. It's been a year and a half, and I still haven't touched anything."
Jenna's mouth opened slightly. "Oh, geez. I didn't realize you were that close to Holden Scott."
I nodded. In truth, Holden had left everything to me—his money, his house, all his things. I'd thought about it and decided I was ready to go through some of it, at least get rid of his clothes, meaningless stuff like that. I'd do a little at a time, take it slow, see how I felt. At least that's what Dr. Katz had advised at my last session. "Yeah. Yeah, I was. We were best friends since childhood. We both grew up in Ohio."
Her eyes grew wide. "Oh God, Ryan. I'm sorry. What are you going to do with his stuff? I bet some of it would go for insane prices if you auctioned it."
"I wouldn't auction Holden's stuff," I said a little too defensively.
She put her hand on top of mine on the table. "I just meant that it could bring in some cash that you could use to help people. Was he a supporter of some charity or another?"