"What's the plan, Holden?" I asked, staring over at him. He knew what I was asking.
His head fell back on the chair. "My plan is to be amazing and awesome," he said dully, delivering the line he'd used so many times. Until recently, it had been said with humor and vibrancy. It used to make me smile.
"You used to be amazing and awesome all the time," I said, clearing my throat. My voice sounded scratchy. Now he was just . . . sad. Why? Why was he so fucking sad?
"How about we get out of here?" I asked. "Away from all these people. I'll treat you to some breakfast. Denny's? Moons Over my Hammy?"
"You're the one who likes breakfast for dinner. And you just like saying Moons Over my Hammy."
I gave him a wan smile. It was true, I did. Best breakfast name ever. "What's not to like about breakfast for dinner?"
He shrugged, looking genuinely confused. "I don't know. It's like I can't find it in me to like anything these days."
"That's the pills, Holden. You've gotta get off the pills. Your knee's been healed for months now."
"The pills might be the only things I actually do like."
I pressed my lips together, at a loss. As I stood, I said, "Well, if you're not going to help yourself, Holden, there's nothing I can do for you." Feeling useless, I walked to the sliding glass door leading inside.
"Jesus, have you seen this sunset?" he asked.
I paused and glanced back. Holden had walked to the rail of the balcony. He looked . . . lost, yet eerily calm.
"I never fucking look at sunsets anymore. You ever just . . . enjoy something for the sake of it anymore, Ry?"
I released the door handle. "Yeah," I said. "I mean, I try."
He nodded. "That's good," he said, and I heard the tears in his voice. I went still. Was Holden crying? He leaned over the wrought-iron rail of the balcony. "It's so high up," he said, leaning even farther.
"Holden, what the fuck?"
"It's good to feel something, though, isn't it?" His voice was muffled and upside down.
I took a step toward him and in that moment, he flipped over the railing. "Holy fuck!" I shouted, lunging toward him. He let out a yell, grabbing one of the rail spindles, hanging by one hand. I went down on my knees and wrapped my hands around his. "Help!" I yelled behind me, "Help!" But the party inside was too loud. No one could hear me. "Don't let go, Holden." I was panting, my heart beating out of my chest in terror. "I'm going to stand up and lean over and I want you to grab my hand. Okay, Holden, grab my hand. I won't let you fall. I won't let you fall."
As I stood, my legs were shaking so badly, I could barely move. But I stood and I leaned over, holding my hand out to him. "Grab on," I choked out. "Grab my hand, Holden." His eyes were wild as he reached up and took my hand. I let out a whoosh of air, my heart hammering so hard. "Okay, okay, I've got you, okay? I'm going to pull you up now. Work with me, okay?" I started to pull him up, both my hands clasped around his, his other hand on the balcony. He suddenly let go of the ledge and only held on to me. I grunted with the sudden pull of holding over two hundred pounds of weight. My hands were shaking and my arms were throbbing. I couldn't even force out words.
"I'm sorry, Ry. I'm just too tired," he said, something coming into his eyes that caused a sharp spike of terror to stab through my gut. Something . . . something. I didn't know what. His hand loosened in mine, our sweaty palms slipping apart as I screamed. And as his body hit the ground below with a loud thud, I shattered.
He was gone.
He was gone.
Gone.
My hero was gone.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Ryan
I'd convinced Brandon to take me to Whittington. He'd humored me with a worried frown on his face. But I hadn't cared. I'd been desperate to find Lily. When we got to the gate, though, there was a rusty padlock on it that hadn't been there before. "It was open last time," I'd mumbled. After walking around the perimeter, we found a broken portion of the gate next to the garden and squeezed through.
The garden obviously hadn't been maintained in a very long time, but it was bursting with color, perhaps even more beautiful for its wildness, the way vines grew up the brick wall and everything blended together. Funny the things you notice even when your heart is breaking.
"This is the creepiest shit I've ever done," Brandon had muttered, as he’d followed me inside the building through the front door that was still unlocked from the last time I'd been here. "But kinda awesome, too," he’d admitted, a small chuckle following his words. For fifteen minutes, we'd wandered the mostly empty hallways, stepping around rusted wheelchairs, pushing aside heavy metal doors, looking inside small rooms that must have been cells once upon a time, me calling Lily's name again and again. That's when I'd found the rooms I’d recognized—the rooms I'd detoxed in. They were empty. There was no furniture, except a metal bedframe in the room where I'd made love to Lily.