She was quiet for a moment, her finger stilling. "I can't. My mother . . ." A slight look of confusion crossed her beautiful features, but then it disappeared, making me wonder if I'd just imagined it.
"Your mother could come with us. Hell, I'll buy your mother her own house."
She smiled. "She'd never allow that. It's just not possible."
I tilted my head to look down at her. "Lily, she can't expect you to live on the edge of the woods for the rest of your life. What kind of life do you really have out here?"
"You don't know what my life is like," she said, her voice sounding harder. "Not really."
I sighed. The last thing I wanted to do was fight with her or push her after what we'd just done. "I know. I just mean . . . aren't you lonely?"
She hesitated before answering. "Yes. Sometimes. But not tonight." She snuggled closer, covering a small yawn. "Hold me." I pulled her tighter, kissing her head. We would talk about this in a couple days when I'd gone through the worst of the withdrawals. My body tensed at the thought alone. Here we go again. But I'd worry about that tomorrow. Tonight I had Lily. I fell asleep holding her in my arms, the smell of us bringing me happiness and comfort.
At some point in the middle of the night, I woke up to hear her whimpering softly and pulled her to me more tightly. "Shh," I crooned. "You're just dreaming."
"Don't leave me," she murmured, a note of fearful distress in her sleepy tone.
"Lily," I said, shaking her a bit. "Wake up, you're dreaming."
I could barely see her eyes open in the dark and for a second she just stared at me as if she didn't know where she was or who she was with. "Boy Scout," she finally murmured as she relaxed against me, wrapping her arms around my waist and falling back to sleep. I waited a few minutes and then got up as slowly and quietly as possible. I went to the bathroom and relieved myself and then retrieved a couple pills from the bottle I'd left in the medicine cabinet. I raised them to my lips and then hesitated. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror for a moment, thinking of Lily, thinking of all she'd given me, feeling my love for her flow through my body like a healing balm. I love you, Boy Scout. I wanted to be better for Lily. She deserved more than the man I was right now. I tossed the pills in the toilet and flushed. And then I took the two bottles Taylor had brought and emptied those into the toilet, too, and flushed again, exhaling a long gust of breath. I tossed both empty bottles in the trash. That was that. Jesus, that was that.
Nestled back in bed with Lily's warm body, I somehow fell immediately back to sleep.
I woke to the sunrise streaming through the window. The beast inside was clawing at my guts.
And I was alone.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Holden
It hurt. Oh God, it hurt so badly. My body was a flaming ball of fiery pain, each muscle screaming in agony. You can do this. You can do this. Lily. Lily. I was just so damned thirsty. Thirsty to the point of pain. But whenever I'd tried to drink anything, it came right back up. I wanted Lily. But I couldn't let her see me this way.
You can do this.
I wanted to be back in that bed with her. I just wanted to live there forever.
You can. Once you get through this. You can.
I needed air. I groaned, managing to drag myself from the couch out to the deck where I gulped in big breaths of fresh air. A muscle in my leg seized and I screamed, grabbing the back of my thigh. I hopped a couple steps, my leg coming out from under me. I hadn't realized I was right near the top of the stairs until I was plunging down them. I heard something crack and more pain exploded in my body. I couldn't even pinpoint where—it happened too fast. And then I slammed into the concrete below, stars bursting before my eyes, right before everything went black.
I was in the woods.
I hurt and yet I kept moving forward, moving toward Lily.
I just needed Lily.
I had to find her.
Everything ached, and I didn't know how long I could keep walking.
Shaking so violently I could barely see.
Lily.
I moved forward anyway, tripping, falling here and there, losing time, coming to as I stumbled forward some more.
Lily.
And then I stepped into nothing. I yelled out loudly as the earth dropped out beneath me.
Lily.
Falling.
Falling.
Pain bursting.
Lily.
**********
My head was throbbing, the light too bright behind my closed lids. I grimaced, turning my head and moaning, falling halfway back into the sleep I'd been pulled from in some way I couldn't remember. My hand felt heavy and numb.
I heard a voice. Lily, it was Lily's voice. The answer to a prayer. She was talking to someone in whispered tones. I tried to pull myself out of sleep, but was too tired. Too tired. Random words and phrases floated my way, but I didn't have the strength to try to grasp them.
"Quiet, he'll hear you," Lily said.
"So what? I only said he's handsome. I'm sure he's aware, right?"
"Yes and no," Lily whispered brokenly.
"What does that mean?" the other woman demanded.
"I'll tell you once he's taken care of," Lily said. Why did she sound so sad?