"Mom, you need to use that consistently. It works best that way, and you know it. Your skin is all tight now because it's dry. No wonder it's uncomfortable. Here, let me put some on for you."
She nodded and went into the other room to wash her hands and then came back and sat down in the chair next to the fireplace, leaning her head on the back, her shoulder-length blonde hair cascading over it. I could see strands of gray woven through it now, and they sparkled in the firelight as if they were glittering pieces of tinsel like she used to toss onto our Christmas tree. We didn't use tinsel anymore. I wondered why not. I supposed it had gone out of style, but I'd loved it. Shaking my head free of the memory, I grabbed the small tube of cream and stood behind her, using a small bit of it on my fingertips to massage it into the thick, crisscrossed scars on the left side of her face, and down her neck. She sighed. "Thank you, darling, that's better. What would I do without you?"
I smiled, but my heart squeezed painfully to think of her without me. All alone. Sometimes I dreamed of going somewhere where there were lots of people, where I could sit and watch them without hiding, where maybe they'd even talk to me, too. I dreamed of things I didn't dare share with my own mother. I dreamed of things I knew could never be real.
"I like that dress, by the way," my mother said.
I smiled. It was my favorite, too. The white lace.
"You probably shouldn't wear dresses into the woods, though. You're bound to ruin them."
I shrugged. "If I don't wear them, they'll eventually just rot away. They deserve to live a little, don't you think?" I asked, smiling. "What will be done with them otherwise? Donated to some vintage clothing store eventually?"
My mom smiled back, the right side of her mouth tipping upward more than the left. "I suppose they do deserve to live a little, being that they've been packed away in a dark basement for so long," she said and cracked one eye at me, smiling bigger. Why did I feel like that was a good description of me? Kept in the dark. Forgotten.
"Well good, because I'm giving them plenty of new memories." I continued rubbing the cream into her skin. I'd even received my very first kiss in one of them.
After a minute, she asked. "Where do you go, Lily? When you go into the woods—where do you go? You're away for so long, all day sometimes."
"Not far," I answered. It was a lie, I knew. "I like it there." It was where I felt alive. "Sometimes I just wander and . . . lose track of time, I guess."
"I worry about you. It can't be one hundred percent safe."
"Nothing is, Mom." I sighed. "There's no need to worry, though. I promise."
"You don't go far? You won't get lost or anything?"
"No, I won't get lost."
"And you don't ever see anyone, do you?"
"Who would I see? It's the middle of nowhere, in the woods."
"I don't know, hikers or—"
"There are no trails in these woods, Mom."
My mother's eyes, clear and green, were opened now and she studied me closely, her expression a mixture of confusion and sadness. She seemed to look at me like that a lot lately. All the time, actually. But she didn't ask any more questions, and I was relieved.
"You could come walking with me, you know."
She pressed her lips together. "I walk in the garden. That's enough for me."
I sighed. She'd never change, never venture out. So where did that leave me?
"We have to think about leaving, you know. We only planned to be here for the summer. It's already the end of August. It's going to be your birthday soon. What do you think about leaving right before?"
I frowned. Despite what had happened with Holden, I wasn't sure I was ready to leave yet. Here I had freedom. "Can we think about it? It's still so beautiful in the forest. And you love the garden, right? You're happy here, Mom?"
She nodded, and I smiled down into her beloved face, my eyes moving over the familiar lines of her features, my heart suddenly filled with a terrible, aching sadness. "I love you," I said, swallowing the strange emotion.
That whole business with Holden had crushed me more than it should have. I had trusted Holden, been swept away, and now I was left empty and confused. My emotions were all jumbled up. My mother gave me a tender smile.
"I love you, too, my darling Lily. I always, always will."
As I continued to smooth the cream over the half of her ravaged face, my mind insisted on returning to Holden. Will you be waiting for me, Lily? Yes. I'd been foolish to promise something so recklessly. So, how far would I go back into the woods? I wouldn't go near his lodge. I wouldn't. I'd stay away. I would not subject myself to the pain he was sure to bring. I'd received my first kiss, and I'd have to hold on to that. It didn't have to mean any more.
CHAPTER TEN
Holden