“I’m not sure what to say.”
She smiled. My God, she had a beautiful smile. Her lips were full and red, the color of a ripe currant. “Say whatever you feel like saying, Mr. Steel. This time is for you.”
“First of all, no Mr. Steel. Only Jonah. Or Joe. Whichever you prefer.”
“Okay, Jonah. Why don’t you just start with what brought you in to see me today?”
I felt like a fraud. My brother had been through so much, and here I was, seeing a therapist when there was nothing wrong with me at all—nothing except the guilt that lived inside me like a parasite, killing me from the inside out.
I looked around the room, playing for time. On the wall behind her desk were her various degrees. I was surprised to see a medical degree.
“I thought you were a psychologist,” I said.
“I am.”
“But you went to medical school? Wouldn’t that make you a psychiatrist?”
She cleared her throat. “Technically, yes. But I also have a master’s degree in psychotherapy, which is what I practice. Because I rarely prescribe medication, I prefer the term psychologist or psychotherapist.”
I shook my head. “That’s a lot of schooling.”
She tilted her head back a little. “Yes, there were times when I thought it would never end. Being a psychiatrist has some advantages, too. I have admitting privileges at Valleycrest Hospital, in case any of my patients need more day-to-day care. But I consider myself more of a psychologist than a medical doctor.”
I nodded, continuing to peruse her office.
“So do my qualifications meet your approval?” she asked.
I turned back to her abruptly. “Of course. I was just curious.”
“You mean you were desperate for something to talk about other than what brought you in here today.” She smiled.
Guilty. She knew as well as I did. No need to prolong it. “I… Well, you know my brother’s story.”
Dr. Carmichael nodded. “I do. And he has given me permission to discuss his case with you if we need to.”
My neck chilled. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what Talon had told the doctor. Hopefully this wouldn’t get to that.
“It was Talon who suggested I call you and make an appointment.”
“I know. He told me. And he talked to me a little bit about you.”
Christ. God only knew what Talon had said. He knew I’d gotten the shit kicked out of me by a couple thugs in a dark alley. What he didn’t know was that I’d been there on purpose, that I intentionally hadn’t fought back, that I’d actually started the fight. Thing was, I wasn’t a coward. I could’ve made quick work of the vagrants who’d attacked me. And I sure as hell didn’t want to tell this beautiful woman across from me that I’d let them beat me to a pulp.
Then the word popped out of my mouth.
“Guilt.”
“I understand,” Dr. Carmichael said. “You have a lot of guilt about what happened to your brother.”
I swallowed and nodded.
“Let’s talk about that,” she said. “Why do you feel so guilty?”
“Because I’m the older brother. I should’ve been able to protect him that day. I should’ve protected him the way he protected Ryan. But I wasn’t there, and he paid the ultimate price for my failure.”
“You do understand that Talon doesn’t blame you for what happened, don’t you?”
I understood that, all right. He’d told me enough. But that didn’t seem to matter. Still, I blamed myself. “I do know that, Melanie.” Shit, what a blunder. “I’m sorry. Dr. Carmichael.”
She smiled again, and my heart did a little dance. What a gorgeous smile.
“If you’re more comfortable calling me by my first name, please feel free to do so. After all, I’m calling you Jonah.”
For some reason, she was Melanie to me. Maybe because we’d met before. I didn’t know. “All right. If you don’t mind.”
“I don’t.”
“So anyway…Melanie, I know he doesn’t blame me. But I also know he resents what happened to him.”
“He may have in the past, but he no longer feels that way. And even if he did, it was completely subconscious. We’ve talked at length about that.”
I looked down at my hands. “God, it’s so weird for you to talk to me about this.”
“As I told you, Talon gave me carte blanche with you. He’s very concerned about you and the guilt you feel. He wants you to get help, and if his sessions with me can assist you along the way, he wants that to happen.”
“It just feels so…”