“Okay,” I said, nodding. “So I have some time to get used to the idea.”
“You’ve got time, hopefully a lot of it.”
“Thanks.”
He stared at me, still frowning. “You can change your mind, you know.”
“I won’t.”
“But you can. Anytime you want out, tell me, and I’ll make sure you’re out.”
“I’m not backing down.”
He smiled softly. “Yeah. I don’t expect you will. You’ve always been a strong girl, Janine.”
“Thanks,” I said.
He stood up, sighing. “Damn, I’m getting old.” He nodded at the door. “Come on. Let’s eat something.”
I followed him out back toward the bar and sat down with him and Stonewall.
We talked and joked, but the laughter seemed strained. I could tell that Stonewall knew what the conversation had been about and knew what my decision was. I couldn’t guess what he thought of it, but neither of the men seemed particularly happy about what was going on.
This was the cost of war. This was what I did to help my club through a war. Maybe I couldn’t ride or shoot a gun, but I could do this for them. I could make sacrifices.
Clutch would come around and accept it eventually. Or maybe he wouldn’t. That shouldn’t matter to me.
And yet all I wanted was for him to come back through that door, crack some cocky joke, and go back to the way things used to be.
This was how it had to be. I’d made this decision and I had to deal with the consequences. Clutch should understand that the club came first, even if I wasn’t an official member.
The club mattered over everything else. Wasn’t that the sort of thing they always said? Maybe I didn’t wear the patch, but I was family.
And I was going to sacrifice to keep my family safe.
12
Clutch
I felt the cool air whipping past my body as I rode out along the highway.
I’d been riding my whole life, and it still was the only thing that really cleared my head. Sex felt good and calmed me, violence and excitement felt good and made life worth living, but riding was the only thing that really relaxed me anymore.
And I knew that I needed to get away from that clubhouse. My blood was on fire as the memory of the night before came back to me. I remembered the feeling of those douchebag college kids getting beaten down for disrespecting Janine, and I remembered her body pressed against mine in the parking lot.
I hated her decision. I understood it, understood why she wanted to do what she was doing, but I couldn’t support that shit.
A lot of guys in the club treated their women like fucking garbage to be thrown out, and I was guilty of that shit too. I fucked around plenty, though I never promised I was doing anything more than that. But when it came to Janine, I couldn’t picture marrying her off like she was some cheap product to be bought and sold.
I didn’t know what the fuck was happening with me. Maybe I was going soft all of a sudden. I knew the other guys wouldn’t love that we’d marry off one of our girls to further the club’s agenda, but they’d shut their mouth because the club came first.
Well, I’d been putting the club first for most of my life. I wasn’t a fucking mindless drone just following orders. I felt like marrying Janine off like that was wrong, and I wasn’t going to sit around and pretend otherwise.
I rode farther and farther out into the desert. Out here, it felt like the world had no end. Distances were deep and long, ground flat and smooth, broken up by mountains and cities. The red dust of the ground blew endlessly, shifting inches every year, both living and dead. It was the perfect place as far as I was concerned, as I lived my life in that place between the living and the dead.
I was an enforcer, death riding a bike. I destroyed my club’s enemies with a righteous fury and never once looked back.
But what did I do when my enemies were a part of my club?
I stayed out riding for an hour, but I knew I had to go back. I couldn’t just run from my fucking problems; I wasn’t that type of man. I turned around and headed back toward the clubhouse, my body a mess of tension.
The place was more crowded when I pulled up. I recognized a bunch of the bikes parked outside and saw Dow sitting with Ford over at a table in the corner. I headed over there.
“Clutch,” Ford said.
“Dow, Ford.” I sat down. “What’s the word?”
Dow shrugged. “You know about Janine, right?”
“Yeah,” I grunted. “I’ve been her bodyguard.”
Ford laughed. “Bodyguard? You?”
“Yeah, I know,” I said. “I’ve been following her around, sleeping on her couch.”
“Shit, man,” Dow said. “You know she’s a claimed lady now, right?”
“I know it,” I said.
“Guess you can’t be slipping into her bed at night,” Dow went on.
“Never did.”