Millie scrunched her eyes shut. ‘Oh, I really didn’t need that mental image again.’
I took the stairs two at a time. In my bedroom, I shoved the remainder of my clothes into a bag and grabbed a photo of my family – a Christmas shot from three years ago. We were dressed in matching Santa hats and hideously oversized reindeer sweaters, and smiling gleefully at the camera. My father looked at least twenty years younger, his face unlined by worry. My mother was as beautiful as ever, her hair framing her face in a golden halo as she pressed her cheek to mine. I looked at myself in the photo, and saw a stranger staring back. My hair was bright and glossy, my skin tanned. I was smiling so much my cheeks were probably hurting.
Jack had taken the photo. He had downed at least eight glasses of eggnog and kept swaying back and forth, and my father had been chastising him for it, my mother keeping her mouth shut. Swallowing her annoyance, because it was Christmas, and she couldn’t kick Jack out at Christmas. I wished she had. I wished she had kicked him to the other side of the world and left him there. At least he wasn’t in the photo. There was still the matter of my father and his lying eyes, but it was the best photo I had, and the only one I bothered to take with me. I left the rest – the DVDs and trinkets, notepads, all those prison letters from my father – all those false words.
The scent of lavender was fading from my mother’s bedroom. It took every ounce of strength not to lie down in her bed, bury myself in the duvets and never get up. I packed some of her jewellery, a sapphire teardrop necklace and matching earrings – I’d be damned if Donata Marino ever got her spindly fingers on them. I took my mom’s favourite sweater, too, pressing my face into it before folding it up.
After calling down to Millie to make sure she was still there – which she was, and obviously texting Crispin too, because she was giggling like a haunted doll from a horror movie – I slipped into a black shift dress and matching ankle boots. I brushed my hair out, swept it away from my face and looked at myself in the mirror. I was giving off a pretty potent Wednesday Addams vibe, but at least I was demure. I was elegant. My mother would have approved.
I looked at my phone. There was a reply from Luca:
Where are you now? Are you by yourself?
I didn’t bother texting him back. If he wanted to give out to me, he could save it for later. I wasn’t in the mood right now. At the bottom of the stairs, I filled Millie’s arms with all the things I was taking from the house, and tried to ignore all the things I was leaving behind. After this, there would be no looking back. Nothing left undone or unsaid. Today was about closure. Today was about moving on.
‘You look nice,’ she said. ‘I like that dress.’
I shrugged. ‘My mom always liked me in dresses, even though they make me look about five years old.’
‘Ah, Soph, don’t be dramatic. You look at least seven and a half in that.’
I stuck my tongue out at her as I slipped into the sitting room, and then found myself standing in front of the urn on the mantelpiece. Stalling.
I stared at it for a minute – this thing that now held the essence of my mother. The urn was dark purple, her favourite colour – I must have told them that. I couldn’t remember now. There was a thin gold band around the top, and a banner of floral filigree bordering it. It was beautiful, I supposed, but it made me a little sick inside.
When we got back into the car it was almost one p.m. Millie was adjusting her mirror, frowning. ‘You can’t be serious.’
‘What is it?’ I asked.
‘Black SUV at the end of the street,’ she sighed. ‘Can’t tell which Falcone it is.’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ I said, refusing to turn around. I was singularly focused. Today was about my mother. Today was about goodbye. ‘Let’s just go. I don’t want to be late.’
*
Beyond the last rows of boxy houses and the dilapidated football field, the town sloped upwards, turning the street narrow as it climbed until the land flattened out unexpectedly and gave rise to a generous spread of cedar trees. It was a peaceful wedge of nature, where everything was crisp and green and pretty, and if you weaved your way through the trees to where the hill sloped down again, you could see the river winding towards the town below.
It was my mother’s favourite place. We used to go on walks there together when I was younger. Back when I got bored easily and complained about being too cold or too tired to climb the hill. Back when I didn’t know how good I had it.
At the top of the hill, Millie parked along a dirt border beneath a cluster of trees. We got out, my hands clutched tight around the urn. The scent of pine wrapped around me, the light breeze pushing wisps of hair across my face. It smelt like the past.
Ursula, Gracewell’s Diner’s former assistant manager, bustled towards me, her usual bright clothes replaced by a long black dress and matching coat. She was wrapped up to her nose in a grey scarf, revealing only a hint of her inky black eyes and cropped white hair.
She embraced me awkwardly, the urn still held between us. She cupped my face in her hands, as if she was trying to peer into my soul. ‘How have you been? Where have you been?’ She took a step back, affording me a cursory once-over. ‘I’ve been worried about you. It’s been too long since I’ve seen you.’
I brushed off her questions, like I had been rehearsing. I told her I was staying with friends outside the city, trying to come to terms with everything. She didn’t push it, but curiosity burnt in those dark eyes. ‘Thanks for coming,’ I offered, before she could burrow any deeper into my barefaced lie. I felt glad of her familiarity, even if it did come peppered with suspicion. ‘It means a lot to me.’
She squeezed my arm, her brows creasing. ‘I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Sophie.’
People who make time for the sadness in your life, not just the joy, are worth keeping around. It saddened me to think of my new life now, and how there was no place for Ursula in it.
Almost everyone I had invited was here: Mrs Bailey, who was wearing a netted black veil and a huge fur coat that seemed to say I’m the chief mourner here and I am also very rich. Millie’s parents had come, and her brother Alex too. He embraced me in an awkward hug, and I tried to remember the time when that would have been the best thing to ever happen to me.