“I’m at the hotel in Los Angeles. We’re off the buses till Christmas night.”
“That must be a nice change, getting to sleep in a real bed.”
“It only reminds me that you’re not here with me.”
“I wish I were.”
“It’s really bugging me that I can’t be with you guys for Christmas.”
“I don’t understand why they don’t give you Christmas off.”
“Calvin’s always done Christmas shows. It’s sort of his tradition. It sucks. You’d think none of these people have families. I feel bad for the crew members with kids.”
“It doesn’t really ever end, does it?”
Justin sounded confused by my comment. “What in particular?”
“I mean, this tour will end. But the life of a musician never really does.”
“It’s not like I won’t have a choice in the matter. I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything I don’t want to.”
“Yes, but after this tour, so many more people will know who you are. The opportunities will start coming, and fame will be addicting. That was the point of all this, right? To grow your music career? Are you really going back to your software job, like none of this ever happened? What exactly is going to happen?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far. I just want to come home to you first. That’s all I want. I won’t be going away again anytime soon after that.”
“But you might be going away again at some point. This isn’t just a one-time thing, right? It never really ends.”
“Why all of the worrying all of a sudden, Amelia?”
“I don’t know. I guess I have too much time alone to think.”
“I’m sorry. But the truth is, I just don’t have all the answers tonight. I can only tell you what I’m feeling right now, and that’s that I don’t want to be here and would give anything to be home for Christmas with you and Bea.”
Rubbing my tired eyes, I said, “Alright. I’m sorry. It’s late, and you must be tired.”
“Don’t ever be sorry for talking to me about how you feel. Remember, you promised to be honest with me if something is bothering you.”
“I know.”
Just when my nerves had started to calm down, it sounded like there was a knock at his door.
“Hang on,” he said.
My heartbeat started to accelerate when I heard a woman’s voice in the background.
I couldn’t make out what she was saying but could hear Justin say, “No, thanks. I appreciate it, but no.” He paused. “Alright. Good night.” I could hear the door click shut.
He returned to the phone. “Sorry.”
“Who was that?”
“Someone wanted to know if I was interested in a massage.”
“Massage?”
“Yes. Calvin sometimes hires people to give massages. He must have sent someone up here to ask if I wanted one.”
The eggnog from earlier was starting to come up on me. “So it was just a random girl coming into your room to give you a massage?”
“Amelia…I didn’t ask for one, nor did I want one. I sent her away. I can’t help it if someone knocks on my door.”
“Have you ever had one?”
His tone was angry. “No!”
“I can’t handle this.”
“I get why a strange woman coming to my hotel room door would piss you off, alright? But you either trust me, or you don’t. Trust is a black or white issue. There is no such thing as trusting someone a little. It’s either there, or it isn’t. Fuck. I thought you trusted me.”
“I do! I never said I didn’t trust you. It’s just…that lifestyle makes me uncomfortable. And I’m lonely. I don’t know if this is the kind of life I want.”
“What exactly are you saying?”
“I don’t know.” I said, my voice barely audible.
There was a long moment of silence as I listened to his breathing. Then, he finally spoke, “I can’t even see the faces of the people in the audience. When I’m singing, I’m singing to you, counting down the days till I come home. Wouldn’t that just be a fucking hoot if there was nothing left to come home to.”
Why haven’t you told me you loved me?
I’d really pissed him off. I needed to end the call before I said something further that I’d regret.
“You have two big shows coming up. You can’t afford to get all stressed out. I’m sorry for causing a fight.”
“I’m sorry, too.”
“I’m gonna try to get some sleep.”
“Alright,” he said.
“Good night.”
“Good night.”
After we hung up, I had a hard time falling back to sleep. Ending the call on bad terms made me feel like shit. I thought I couldn’t feel any worse.
The events of the following morning would make the previous night’s argument seem vastly insignificant.
***
Call it mother’s intuition.
Something woke me up, even though it was quiet. The clock showed nearly 4AM.
As I tried to fall back to sleep a few minutes later, what sounded like light wheezing came through the baby monitor; you could barely hear it.